Husband of a wife suffering from depression .... what can I do?

Hi there,

And welcome to the depression forum. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. I suggest that you talk to her about counseling and seeing the pdoc about this. But you can't make her well. She has to do that by herself. It is hard watching somebody else suffer. But they need to be proactive with their illness and they need to do the work. The best that you can do is get her going in the right direction. But like I say, you can't do this for her. She has to do this by herself. Let her know that you are there for her and that you want her to go to counseling. Steer her in the right direction, but let her take the steps. I hope that things get better soon.

Hugs, Karen

Wereyouthere,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am glad that you joined us.

Reisha sri,

Welcome to the forum also.

Hugs, Karen...

Ok ... a follow-up to my original 'Post' from my 'Husband of a wife suffering from depression .... what can I do?

A few updates:

1. My wife has met 4/5 times with a Psychiatrist who was referred to her by our church. One would assume that, given the source of the recommendation, that the counselor would view issues, circumstances and treatment through a 'Biblical Worldview' lens. I'm not so sure that's happening - OR - my wife if sharing information with me that is being taken out of context since the primary outcomes to date that my wife has shared with me is that;
A) The psychiatrist has said she has 'depression like symptoms,
B) That my wife is one of the most complicated 'cases' she has ever dealt with and,
C) that my wife should be seeing a lawyer.

I wouldn't disagree with A or B above, however, I've got serious issues with 'C' ... the see a lawyer (suggesting that divorce proceedings should be started).

'See a lawyer?' - How can anyone properly assess a situation - even a 'professional' - particularly a marital relationship without ever speaking with the spouse? If there's a car accident, a policeman hears from both parties, in a legal proceeding both parties present their case, in business dispute both parties are seated at the table. I realize I'm getting the information through my wife's 'filter' but really .... never talking to the spouse? It should be noted that this counselor has suggested that I meet with a male therapist in the same office?

Shouldn't I meet with the same person that my wife is? I welcome informed and/or experienced thoughts and comments on this issue.

2. I will be meeting this morning with a Christian therapist. My thought in doing so (this is the 3rd time in 6 months that I'm meeting with her) is that I am interested in being 'coached' and 'held accountable' in how to deal with and be an encouragement to my wife. I've tried the 'self-taught and self-motivated' approach and it's failed several times. I figure if the best athletes in the world pursue 3rd party coaching, then why shouldn't I do the same in pursuit of a God honoring marriage and a desire to 'help' myself deal with my wife's depression and possibly help her deal with it herself.

I'm scared, I believe my wife is approaching her personal 'breaking point'. The 'pressures and challenges of life' that lie ahead for my wife and our marriage are huge! My work demands continue to be very high (i.e. long hours), in the next 3/4 months we will become 'Empty-Nesters' as our youngest goes to college, our oldest son will be getting married, my wife's mother (who she assumes a disproportionate share of the care responsibilities for) is suffering from increasingly more severe dementia.

We'll see where this goes but one thing I know for sure .... it'll be me that needs to change to help my wife and save our marriage, I just don't know what that looks like?

I look forward to your thoughts and comments.

I would take your wife in to her doctor to get a full physical work up, as dementia can run in families and
you should have her checked to see if she might be starting to suffer with dementia and maybe seek out another
counselor for your wife to see, a counselor should not be pushing for your wife to get a lawyer, but should
be helping you both get closer, something seems wrong and maybe you should seek out a lawyer for a free consult.
Maybe look into your wifes counselor credentials...
I hope things turn out for you but you do have a lot to look into and consider...maybe seek out couples counseling
and see if your wife will go with you to that...keep us posted as we do care...

'Thru' ....

Thanks for you note .... it's as if you knew (personally) what my wife was going thru, your comments had a certain '1st Person' orientation to them.

Since you asked some really interesting and insightful (i.e. diagnostic) questions, I thought I'd answer them one at a time and see what it might reveal to myself - and others?

1. Do I tell my wife that I love her? Yes I do, though not often enough ... but I'm working on that. The 'battle' for me in doing this (which I'm fighting daily) is that she treats me in such a way (i.e. Zero affection, Needling comments, Badgering behavior) that it almost appears she' trying to sabotage our relationship. I've determined that it's the depression acting itself out .... not my wife's heart.

2. Do I tell her I'm looking forward to it just being 'the two of us again? ... Yes I do, her response is, 'Once the kid's are gone all I've got left is you :-( She doesn't find any encouragement in that .... she's invested so much in her kid's (at her own expense) that there's little (in her mind) to look forward to once they are out of the house.

3. Do I hug her (See #1 above) and tell her not to worry. I used to but she finds a material amount of her self-worth in being a 'worryer' (it has been dividends for her before) so she has no desire to live a 'low worry' life.

4. Do I try to do simple things she enjoys and have fun? I've not done a good job of this, interestingly the counselor I met with last week seeing 'Husband Coaching' also suggested that I deliberately look for opportunities to do this as well as fine small opportunities to verbally affirm her ..... I'm focused on this in the near term. I've cancelled 2 multi-day business trips so that I can be home to 'help out' with a number of events that involved her.

5. My wife's therapist. A point of clarification, I'm not particularly interested in talking with her - rather - I thought it was interesting that her therapist didn't express an interest in talking (i.e. relational due diligence) to me. I don't want to do anything that would compromise my wife spending time with someone that's there to 'help her' (I'd appreciate a more positive environment than 'you should find a lawyer').

6. Care-giver Challengers (her Mother). There is little I can do to help her with her mother (she's got 2 sisters that are doing that) other than give her a 'warm ear' to vent into after she's spent the day with her. I'll continue to provide that as best I can.

7. Husband. I'm sure, over the years, that I've been a significant contributor to many of the problems / issue's that my wife has / is / will be dealing with. I'm just working to neutralize some of those by being a 'help mate' going forward. That's why I'm seeking 'experienced, wise, biblical counsel.'

Thanks again for the perspectives and insight, they are much appreciated!

Hugging and saying 'I love you' are almost never wrong. (unless she is like me and hates being touched). She is probably being snappish because she is scared right now. It must be so awful for her to deal with her mother. It's hard enough dealing with a sick elderly parent. It's even worse if they have somehow abused you. Maybe after a rough day with her mom offer to run her a warm bath or some such relaxing activity.
You say you keep cancelling business trips, why not go and take her with you? It sounds like your kids are old enough to be on their own for a day or so and it could give her a break from daily woes.
I can understand the therapist not having interest in talking with you. Your wife's counseling is for and about your wife, not you. That's hard to accept for some, but that's the way it works best.
As to the pending empty nest, have you considered getting her a pet? It would give her something to care for and pets can be very therapeutic.
I wish you luck and hope things work out for you and your wife :)

Thanks for the comments and encouragement .... both are appreciated.

In reading (and re-reading) the notes that have been posted it occurred to me that my efforts to present 'the situation' may be a bit one-sided. In the interest of full-disclosure, as well as my desire to be transparent with those who I'm asking for insight, encouragement and coaching I thought I'd provide some additional bullet points / factoids on me. The thinking here is that in doing this you'll be getting a more 'fair and balanced' snapshot.

Here goes:

1. Small Businessman ... I'm a small business person who has experienced significant success (professionally and financially) - AND - serious financial hardship ... which is where I am now. The fact that I'm alive (professionally speaking) to live another day is, by itself, a measure of success. Think 'Financial Katrina." Notwithstanding the financial challenges that we (my wife and I) are experiencing, we have now - and have always had - a relatively low standard of living so no one (family or otherwise) really has any appreciation for the challenges we're experiencing.

2. Workaholic ... I work alot and love to work. My hours; Monday thru Friday 6:00 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. Even with those hours it's still difficult to get all the work out the door. I've tried to explain to my wife that she's married to a 'Farmer' of sorts. The analogy speaks to the fact that a farmer almost never has a day off.

3. Financial Stress ... Believing that it would make her depression worse, I did not keep my wife informed of the failing family finances (BIG MISTAKE now that I look back). When the telephone would ring and it was credit card companies calling and saying that the payment was late, or the checkbook balance had a 'very low' balance in it my wife 'freeked out' and claimed that I was lying to her (not lying, just now full-disclosre). The lying issue would then trigger memories of her alcoholic mother lying to her about her drinking.

4. Faith ... My faith (i.e. Evangelical Christian) has been and continues to be my source of strength through all the trials in my life (I couldn't ever go to my wife due to her own struggles). Without the confidence I have in God I have NO IDEA how I would cope.

My wife love's the Lord, she - like me - is 'Saved' and will spend eternity with God - - - Praise The Lord! For my wife, her faith isn't as dynamic a part of her life as it is for me - as you might expect, that creates conflict between us :-( Where God is my strength, she questions God for 'giving her this crappy life.'

Ok .... hopefully this information will 'round out' your understanding of the kind of guy I am (with plenty of my own issue's) and allow you to have a little bit more perspective on me - and the marriage I wish to save.

I am happy that your wife is feeling better. It is hard with depression...

Hugs, Karen