Help understanding actions of a long-term love

Recently the person I've been with for more than 6 years has told me that we need some time apart. He loves me but doesn't feel I can be what he needs right now. This person has suffered from severe depression throughout our relationship - to the point where unemployment has been steady and finishing a college education has been painfully slow. In our relationship one of us has made more than enough money to live on and live relatively well so it hasn't been demanded that he get a job. All he's had to do really is be loving and supportive and succeed in college again. At that point, we can move on to both of us working. But he's become increasingly distant, and yet we talk about future plans and getting more involved with family things.....So when I hear "you are not what I need right now, or I've been unhappy for awhile or I'm not attracted to you anymore", I'm inclined to think it's the illness and has nothing to do with me. After having a pretty good relationship full of patience, love, and support, FOR the depressed and not necessarily from them, I wonder about this. It's not normal for 1 person to carry the load and I may have been wrong in doing that for a long time. But I can't help but wonder if this is really something that needs to be worked out individually before we can come back to a better place. Feeling blue right now and like I should have done something differently or how can someone so depressed throw away something so wonderful?

Thank you for that. Yes, I have been carrying the load. But we have talked a few times and what I've now been told is that he really loves me but needs to do some serious work on his own self before he can be the man I deserve. He also said it has bothered him that I've sacrificed so much for him. He loves me dearly and for us to have a chance together we need time apart. We've been together more than 6 years and have a house and pets. I love him with all my heart and maybe giving him time to work, work on himself in therapy, and try to fix himself without what we had will make us much better. He also told me that he feels badly that I don't think I deserve better than him. But we did recently agree that time away to work ourselves individually will make us happier together when the time is right. Goodness...it sure doesn't make it any easier after such a long time, but I have to believe that such a deep relationship and investment isn't really done. But I do know t hat when you have NO self-love or self-respect you can only love someone in a very limited capacity. Hopefully these changes will make him see what he needs to do and the kind of relationship we will have then.

Again, thank you. We have continued to talk over the course of the last 48 hours and now I know where his head/heart is and it does help. He really feels like we need to be more equal as partners and we even talked about moving back in together next year as we had planned. We have agreed to step back from the seriousness of having to deal with each others' stresses while living together but because we do have pets together and do love each other we are going to continue to see each other - Not on a level of togetherness like it was but as friends who love each other and need to work some things out. I'm now feeling like this is a great idea and will only help us grow closer. Still painful but I'm handling it better now. People who have suffered from depression their whole adults lives typically blame everyone else, especially people who really love them, for their own short-comings. But I believe once we are apart, he will not only see what he needs to do but see how great things will be once he's being a better man.

I think that last thing I need help with is this: When you have been together for so long and been thru and shared so much, hardship, stress, unemployment, one person doing everything, it can't be that easy to start over. His depression and moodiness has impacted a lot of parts of our relationship including somewhat depleting me. Taking some time apart could mean a lot of things but I think under our circumstances, it's critical for him to feel good about himself and feel like he's able to be the kind of person he thinks I deserve, without me carrying him. During this time, we will still be seeing each other because of our pets, but he also wants to remain friends. He has been incredibly depressed and suffered a great deal, all with me being there for him and pulling the full load in every possible way. Although we did talk about how much we love each other, he seems to think that a "Romeo & Juliet" kind of love is a lasting thing. I've said that an idea like that is incredibly diluted because that is NOT a lasting love. He's always been very open and honest and seemingly not afraid to say things even if it may hurt my feelings. Am I wrong to really believe that once we make the break it will only improve our relationship and allows us back together after some time to reclaim ourselves? We have not determined a time but we had planned on buying a bigger and better house in the spring of next year. I know how important it is for one to have a strong sense of "self" in a relationship and since we haven't had that, once we both do, the 6 1/2 years of love and time will not have diminished our love but make it stronger. I do realize that nothing is certain, but because we've always been so open and honest with each other, if this was not necessary for our success together in the long-run, he would just say it. Am I over-thinking this too much?
By the way, I am 32 and he is 42.

Post Edited (FE0306) : 5/24/2012 2:25:37 PM (GMT-6)

Over this tumultuous long weekend, I really realized that after such a long time with someone a separation is a great thing. I really want to be loved and appreciated and be in a place where we can carry each other thru stressful life situations and we've not been good at that in the last 6 months or so. I've been carrying the load.....I want to spend my life with this person but I also want him to realize that the best things in life are usually realized once we've lost. If thru this time apart, he can learn to love himself, then he can love me and we can have a strong healthy relationship that will be forever. It's not fun to wonder if your partner loves you and thinks your special but when they feel so badly about themselves it's nearly impossible to give and think loving thoughts about anyone else. The bowels of depression get the best of you....and make it impossible to give and even receive love. While I'm still feeling the blows and waves of sadness, I am starting to believe that this is only going to make us better, once the haze clears. The love is there so that's all I can go on right now and let him do his thing.

If the seperation is not feeling right, let him know. Maybe you could go through some couples couseling together. Instead of seperating... Something to think about. I really hope it works out for both of you. I have faith in your relationship. Let him know how you feel though...

Hugs, Karen

I think you're right....Giving the space with no pressure is only going to make things better. He continually tells me he loves me even while we're at the beginning of our "break" or whatever you want to call it. We just talked about moving back into together next in the house we are planning on buying next spring. It's very hard for me to switch gears to a loving friendship instead of a loving partnership right now, but I am starting to think that once he gets his own business in order things will work out. I've never really questioned the love but being so deeply depressed has a tendency to mask things that have always been there. I definitely don't want to be with someone who doesn't return the love. Time away I think will bring everything full circle.

Just think,

this time out is nothing compared to the time you will have together. You will have the rest of your lives. This too seems strange to me, but he must have his reasons. If he wants to get stronger and for you to get stronger. I really hope that this helps your relationship. Do keep us posted on how things are going between you two.

Hugs, Karen