Breakdown/Depression

I was released and went to the family doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist.  I spent two hours with the psychiatrist who said, "you're not bipolar".  Both primary and psychiatrist refused to continue the medication.  According to the psychiatrist bipolar is very rare a 71 year old.

Since this happened I have become very depressed.  I can't face people and almost never leave my apartment.  When I do it's at night when most people that I know are at home.  I'm humiliated. Occasionally when I do run into people that I know they seem very uncomfortable and many try to avoid me.  If I had a heart attack or stroke people would rally but not a mental breakdown. 

It's extremely important that I leave this community.  I have identified another community just 4 miles away where no one knows me.  Once I move I'll be fine.  I'm having problems doing simple chores like taking a shower, shaving, brushing teeth so how can I possibly pick up and move.  I own my apartment but can easily purchase or rent another without selling. 

I finally got around to making an appointment with a therapist who I see on Tuesday.  I'm hoping that in time I'll become stronger and will be able to make the move.  For the past 6 months, I've become a prisoner in my own apartment. 

I'm grateful that I became sick for the first time in 71 years.  At the municipal psychiatrict ward everyone that I met was welfare, medicaid ,food stamps, SSI, residing in the streets, 1/2 way houses, 3/4 houses, shelters.  No one had a job or money.  I say this because it made me feel so grateful for all that I have. 

I spent so much time outdoors with casual friends and neighbors before this happened.  Fortunately three have called and they do occasionally visit.  They feel that I should face people and continue to live the life that I once did but I can't.  I'm so humiliated.  I so wish it had been a heart attack rather than a mental breakdown at 2AM yelling and screaming and waking up many neighbors.  When I leave the buildings its from a rear entrance that few use.  I only leave to shop for food.  News of the breakdown quickly spread throughout the community.  Bad news travels quickly. I so miss social contacts with people.  I'm a stay at home/shut in who's in excellent physical condition. 

When this first happened the depression was very severe.   I'm now able to get out of bed and shower each day but I'm still quite depressed.  Sorry for the long message but I just had to get this message out to those who understand depression.   I'm not looking for sympathy.  I have so much to be thankful for compared to those who I lived with for 19 days.  Thank you for listening. 

Post Edited (Michael In NYC) : 6/21/2012 10:07:50 AM (GMT-6)

There is no shame in having a mental disability, or maybe more accurately there shouldn't be!! I have major depressive disorder (treatment-resistant type) and have been fighting it for 7 years. I have been hospitalized 4 times, had 19 ect treatments qnd many therapists. It has taken me years to accept this as an illness, not a character flaw or lack of willpower. This is the way we were both raised-keep a stiff upper lip, get over it, stop whining was our take on mental illness. I have finally accepted this as an illness, like my high blood pressure or bad disks in my back.

Please try not to let what others think dictate how you live your life. If they are not friends, don't worry about it. Close friends and family should be informed about what you are going thru. Sit down and explain it. Knowledge is power. It took  my hubby years to realize that I did not always have control over my level of depression, that it has nothing to do with him or our daughter.

Please go easy on your self-you did have the brain equivalent of a heart attack if you want to look it like that-our brains can get sick too!! The therapist and psychiatrist a re a really great step. It sounds like you have a good place and they can really help you with your embarassment/shame issues.

Please let us know

Take care

Maggie