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To old to feel this deep dark place again

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Depression
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Posted 7/2/2012 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
I am 61 and I feel like I cant do this again. Dont take this as a threat please, its not. I have a family who love me and a husband who I love, even tho he causes me tons of stress. Most of all I have a son who I love so much it hurts. I just know that I am in a horrible funk and dont know why I fell into this state. I feel emotionless. All this family who loves me and who I love, I do not share just how I feel. My Mother would just worry so much and I cannot deal with making her worried. I am the weak one in this family. Why couldnt I just have been an drunk? I have a long list of those in my family. I have to say this all in caps please. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO LOW, SO DESPERATE, SO NUMB, SO UGLY in my LIFE. Just screaming that helps a little because I think you all might understand. I do have a long list of diagnosed medical illnesses. I have thought to myself that I might get the boot from this wonderful place. However, it would be easier to list what I dont have on this forum than what I do. My depression goes way back, I recall it so clearly in the 60s, when my mother would holler at me to stop being so melodramatic....she was dealing with a stranger that Im surely just didnt know what to do with. There were no school psychologists where I lived. I had a teacher or so who recognized that I for the most part put up a very thick wall. It has been to many years to count since I graduated in 1969. I was a cheerleader, a class president, a prom queen, all the things that can make you as unpopular as the reverse.... I also married that same year, now hold your breath, to my biology teacher/ band director. We were together 21 years. Never had a serious fight in all those years. I was the one who did all the fighting, deep inside my brain lived a monster who I fought hard to keep under wraps. I hid it for years...Then one day I committed a serious offense to marriage, I cannot to this day forgive myself for that foolish foolish move. There was no going back either, it was done. Anyway, whats done is done, long ago. I remarried and he is a good man. I have never had to work or worry about money. This is why I dont understand myself at all. I will have to come back to this post, I just cant stand it.
Posted 7/2/2012 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
If it is the past that is haunting you, you have to recognize it for what it is and put it behind you. Do you see a counselor? It really helps when we are in that dark place. It is hard, I know... Keep trying... It sounds like you are disappointed in something but don't know what it is. We all get that way from time to time. Just keep hanging in there and take it one day at a time. Try to focus on the good things in your life, and you do have good things. Try not to let depression get you down. I would seriously think about counseling if you aren't already going. Like I said, it really helps to share. Keep posting. I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/2/2012 11:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the hugs Karen. You give sound advice for sure. Ive been thinking about what is the first word I would say to describe how i feel. I feel GUILT. I cant figure out if I am lazy or depressed or just unmotivated. I think it is truly depression if I believe the symptoms that define some depressed people. A year ago I stopped leaving my house. The only thing I would leave for was/is the only reason. 50% is because I am so physically disabled by the time I get ready to go I am worn out to shaking. The other 50% is I am not who I was even a year ago. I quit smoking and have gained nearly 90 lbs. I have had neuropathy in my feet for 8 years, progressing up my legs. In the last 3 months I have severe pain in my hands and arms. I see my neurologist on the 16th. I was diagnosed with diabetes about 3 weeks ago. I have to wear a big back brace and I have a nice wheelchair finally. I have spinal stenosis and I hurt from my brain stem to my lowest vertebrea. I put all the physical pain list together with the mental pain list of depression and panic attacks and I just cant believe that all of these things have drug me down from being a productive outgoing person to just a painful shell. A year and a half ago I started going down hill from the neuropathy in my feet and legs. I take 3600 mgs of gabapentin daily. Gotta leave again...cat
Posted 7/3/2012 1:08 AM (GMT 0)
Depression causes us to feel guilty about ourselves. And we feel lazy, but we are not. I am sorry that you have diabetes and the neuropathy problems. My husband has problems with his feet too. It has been about six months now that they have been bothering him, maybe longer. Stenosis of the spine is no fun. And being in a chair is no fun either. Can you walk a little bit? Do it whenever you can, if you can... It will keep you stronger.

I am glad that you quit smoking. That is a huge acheivement. I quit for four years about 15 years ago. Then I quit for about three months. I wont talk about why I started. I blame my husband, but I am the one who did it again. So it is my own fault. I am always trying to slow down or smoke less than the day before. I am also aware of when I smoke where I wasn't conscious of it before. It is a nasty habit for sure. I am proud of you for stopping. Give yourself a pat on the back for that one.

90 pounds is a lot of weight to gain. That would be frustrating for me too. I actually have been holding steady for a long time, but need to lose some too. It is hard. Especially in this heat. Though I have been sweating a lot. Do you go to any physical therapy? Have you thought about it? I tried it and didn't like it, it wasn't helping me any. I got really frustrated with it. I am sure you are on a diabetic diet, so I am sure you are eating properly. Diet does play a role in the way that we feel and can have an impact on our depression, but I am sure you have experienced a change being diabetic and cutting out carbs and all that good stuff. I actually was on a diabetic diet and kind of liked it, though was frustrated when I had to buy diebetic foods. I eat normal foods now, but do pay attention to carbs and whatnot. I have been drinking pop though and that isn't good. I can feel the sugar bothering me.

I hope that coming here helps you to feel better. Are you going to any counseling? I truly recommend it. If you aren't leaving the house though, it would be hard to go. But I think trying it would help you. Do you take any antidepressants? Does the gavapentin help you? I took it before and didn't like it.But I imagine it helps your nerve pain thta you probably have to live with.

I think you will like it here. ther e are wonderful people here. I have a dog on my lap and can't type. I am sorry... She is afraid of fire crackers and they are going off in the neighborhood. I hope that you have a good night. Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/3/2012 1:28 AM (GMT 0)
SENDING MANY HEALINGS YOUR WAY NEUROPATHY10.

WITH KINDNESS,

JAMIE
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