Need Opinions

Hello! I am typing this to hopefully gather some opinions on what is going on with me.

I was diagnosed with chronic depression (Dysthymia) years ago. In addition, I typically go through major depression once to twice a year. These episodes usually last for a few days. I am currently on 90mg of Cymbalta daily. A little bit of background on myself is that I am in my late thirties, a father of three children, and live a normal life. I have a masters degree and supervisor a group that has a net profit of roughly 50 million/year.

I was raised by normal parents. My father is a recovered alcoholic and has not drank anything for 25+ years. My mother was perhaps the sweetest person I have ever known. My mother passed away at the age of 49, while my father is still living. I proudly served in the US Army for 7 years before being medically discharged out. This is when I consider my depression to have started.

I was absolutely destroyed being discharged from the US Army. After years (12 years) of ups and downs, I now wonder if this is the best it will ever get. I have seen doctors, pyschologists, and all that. I have also self admitted myself into a mental hospital.

Today, I can honestly say that I am not happy. I have no reason to say this, as I am married to a wonderful woman, my children are healthy, and have a job most would give a lot to be in. I do not care for people, in general, and really hate crowds. Even when talking to others or my wife, I become disengaged and just stare off in the distance. I no longer remeber anything. I take Ambien to sleep, but it does not work. I either cannot sleep or wake up often during the night.

I am not a threat to myself or others, but I am not afraid of that. In fact, I could care less about anything. If my wife walked up to me and asked for a divorce, I believe my response would be a simple, "Okay". I feel like I no longer have any emotion.

Does anyone else feel this way? 

Thank you for the kind words. The main issue I have is that I am uncomfortable with everyone, including my wife. My wife has said several times that she believes I suffer from PTSD, but I do not know. To this day, I still dream about deployments and hear things that are not there. I also startle easy with sounds I am not familiar with. I do not like loud noises. It is difficult for me to talk. I can express myself so much easier through writing, because the interaction is absent.

I cannot explain how I feel and I believe you are correct in saying that I am numb. I have been for some time (years). I have two moods... sad and anger. Mostly, I am sad. I feel my life is a waste. When I "zone out", I stare off and think of nothing. I can leave work and not remember anything about the travel home.

I am frustrated because I feel I do not have the strength in my heart anymore. I have all but given up on thinking my attitude, life, feelings, or thoughts will improve.

I have made an appointment to see a VA psychiatrist. This is improvement but I doubt it will change anything. I have been at this point many times.