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Posted 8/28/2012 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
I need some advice. I live with my boyfriend for 10 years now, don't have any kids together but a house. I having a depression, poping pills and doin therapy. I decided to leave my boyfriend. I'm not happy in this relationship and my needs aren't being met. He's a good guy but I just don't love him anymore. It brings me a lot of stress to tell him. I don't know how to bring up the subject? What do i say? Do i find myself an appartment first? What will happen with the house? I don't know how to do it and what to say... He knows that I'm unhappy and I already talked to him several times but nothing is changing and i want out.I know i need to do this to lift my depression. Just looking at appts makes me happy inside. I don't think he's expecting this so that's why i don't know how to say it. He's the type of guy that is really insisting and always wants to be right and take the decisions. I'm afraid he's going to try to talk me out of it and that it will be hard to leave so thats why i think of renting an appt for october 1st and so he will see i'm serious...
What are your thoughts? Any advice?
Thanks for listening
Posted 8/28/2012 7:57 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, this is a big step, but we will try to help you take it. Can you get the apartment before you tell him? Or can you afford it? That way you would have a place to go imediately. But when you talk to him, be totally honest so that he doesn't assume you are going to come back. YOu have to make a clean break. I am interested to see what others have to offer. I am afraid of giving the wrong advice. Best wishes to you.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this.

Hugs, Karen...

PS I would also get your name off of anything like bills and payments that aren't yours.
Posted 8/28/2012 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
PS Again.. I am not sure what you would do about the house, unless one bought the other one out.
Posted 8/28/2012 10:21 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your fast reply Getting by. I do have a good job and can afford an appt on my own. Don't worry about giving wrong advice, i just want some ideas to help me find the right words and the right way to do it. I read a few posts and i find that lots of users give good advice here. For the bills, i only have the house in both names. Since we're not married what's in my name is mine and what is his is his and what we bought together we split. I do think i should rent an appt first so once it's said, i could tell him that i'm leaving in a month and we could use that month to split everything. I'm just wondering do i tell him first? The house is both names so if he doesn't want to keep it, it could be long before it's sold. I can't afford half of house paiements and my rent... That's what scares me a little.
Posted 8/28/2012 10:26 PM (GMT 0)
Do you think he will want the house and possibly buy you out? How do you think he is going to react to what you have to say? I hope he isn't too difficult. Do you think he has a clue to what you are feeling? I imagine others will come on and give you their advice. You two have been together for a long time. And you know him best. I hope this isn't too hard, and goes rather easy for you. I can't imagine this is easy for you at all. I can tell you care about him, even though maybe you aren't in love anymore. Best wishes, I will post as I think of things.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/29/2012 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Turningpoint,

the first thing I think you should do is figure out what it is that you are afraid of.

Yes, you are afraid of something and it is more than hurting his feelings. I have a history of abuse in my family and your first post made my stomach flip! I can feel your tension. So my advice is if the move is about your safety, don't tell him anything, just move.

If there is no "problem", then just sit him down face to face and tell him, with your "big girl panties on". You can never go wrong with 100% honesty in non-violent, gentle communication. Sure he may be hurt, but the truth hurts sometimes, better then lieing.

I would have a place picked out and ready to put a deposit down on maybe if you feel you need this security of a place to run to. You can tell him anytime though, just stand firm in your decision.

So Turningpoint, it is your play, you have to figure out what ball game you are playing and what the next move will be. Just make sure your being honest with yourself and the boyfriend.
Posted 8/29/2012 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thank BnotAfraid for your advice. I am afraid to face him but he's not violent just controling. Whenever i don't agree about something he will go on and on until i say he's right. So i'm just scared of telling him and then he tries to talk me out of it. I won't change my mind because i've been thinking about it for a long time, a few years, and like i said i talked to him several timt telling what i need in the relationship, what's missing but he just doesn't say nothing. I've asked him how he was feeling in the relationship and he just says that everything is fine for him... So i don't know how hes going to react and he's the kind of person to know what to say to put me on the spot so i cant repond. I just dont want to fight i just want to end this on a good note. Before him, i was 8 years with an abusive boyfriend that made me live in constant fear and i think thats why i'm so afraid of conflicts. With my bf now, i just always let him get his way for the last 10 years because im afraid of conflicts. Thats what got me in this depression because i didnt listen to my feelings. I understand that now with therapy and thats why i want my freedom back so i can take care of me and be good to me. I feel i cant acheive that with my bf.

Well, i guess like you said, put my big girls panty on and just do it even though it frightens me. If theres a conflict i need to face it. Thanks for your advices, it does help me get my act together and find the courage deep inside me. I will stand my ground!
Posted 8/29/2012 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
Good for you!!! We are really proud of you!!!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/29/2012 9:40 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah! You are worth the happiness you seek, don't forget that! You go girl!
Posted 8/30/2012 11:01 PM (GMT 0)
What you are describing of your boyfriend, he is not physically abusive, he is mentally abusive.
One way to face the problem may be to make it sound like it was his idea. I was in an extremely abusive relationship for 7 years..and if I made it sound like it was his idea, he went along with it. If it sounded like something I wanted, he would fight with me about it. Or like you said, just go on and on until you give in and agree.
Just a suggestion.. best of luck, and please be careful. It doesn't take much to make mentally abusive people turn physical.
Posted 8/31/2012 12:14 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you mrsbugzy for sharing. I will keep that in mind as I'm preparing for the leave. I decided to get myself an appartment first and plan everything before telling him. I don't want to live in conflict too long.
Posted 8/31/2012 2:24 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like a plan to me. Good luck with all this. Know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/31/2012 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
Best of luck to you TP, please be careful. It may be a good idea to have the number and location of the nearest womens shelter in your phone and head!

Just in case things don't go so smooth, you have a safe place to go where people care for a few days. I am playing devils advocate because you just never know what will happen. There is power in knowledge and being prepared. If you don't need the information, all the better. At least you have it for insurance.

Keep posting if you can, it would be good for your stress level to vent.

Trina
Posted 9/20/2012 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi guys,

I did it! I rented a nice little appartment near my work place then I confronted my boyfriend gently. I just told him that I didn't love him the way I used to and that I've been trying to work things out with him for several months now but my feelings of love are not coming back and I need to leave so I can take care of me by myself. He new it was coming cause he didn't seem surprised. He just told me to take whatever I need for my appartment and take the time I need to get better. He said that he is going to take care of the house for a while and in a few months, he wants us to see where we're at in our lives and if my feelings haven't change, then he will buy back the house from me. He just wants me to be sure because of my major depression, he thinks it could play against him... I don't see it that way but I'm glad that he's taking it well and that I can take my time to get my life back on tracks before having the stress of the house transaction. It's such a relief for me, like weight off my shoulders! It's going to be even better once I'm gone, I'm sure of that! I have the appartment as october 1st so I should be settled in by mid-october.

I wanted to thank you so much for your support and words of encouragement. It really meant a lot to me and helped me get my courage to take action on my life. I will give you an update later to let you know how I'm doing once I'm on my own. :-)
Posted 9/20/2012 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hey TP,

I am really happy for you!!! I am glad that things worked out this well and there was no problemse with you wanting to move on with your life. Keep us posted as to how things are going for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/20/2012 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
Good for you! Glad your boyfriend gave you no trouble. Sounds like you forecast trouble before it happens like a lot of us do.

Please keep in touch with us, it will help you through the adjustment period of moving and always give you a positive place to go to.

Stay strong!

Trina
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