Posted 8/31/2012 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
Depression sucks, it is mean, it is a thief, it is a liar and a cheat. It hurts you, steals your joy and happiness and comes back after leaving without warning to do it all again.
I am a 39 year old mother of 2 amazing teenage boys full time and 4 boys that my boyfriend shares with me that live with us part time. I have a great paying job with good benefits, a family that is loving and supportive, friends that are by my side and a boyfriend that loves me unconditionally, no matter what and accepts me for who I am and loves me because of it. I have it all, everything in the world to be happy, all I need, all I want. But as I type that I feel guilty, guilty that I don't see all I have and feel amazing and happy and so lucky. I don't, just don't and everyone here that has depression knows it, knows what it feels like to have everything but feel like nothing.
I had a difficult time with my bio father, who also suffers with depression. I had to deal with a lot with him and his abusive 2nd wife until I was 10. After they divorced it was a little better and I have a great step mom now. But he is still him and the ugliness comes out sometimes and after a trip to his house that left me reeling I was diagnosed in 2001 with clinical depression. I had symptoms for years, but it went undiagnosed. I have been on a few meds, the longest was Effexor which I went off of after 5 years...cold turkey...it was BAD. A few weeks after I started taking Zoloft and it helped a little. I then went on Wellbutrin and it worked...but now it seems like it isn't.
I have been through a lot in the past few years. I was divorced in 2004 after 10 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart because I could not live with that man any longer, I remarried in 2005 to a man that changed and became an alcoholic. He became abusive, mean and put me and my boys through more than we deserved. In September of 2009 after a fight and in a drunken rage, he committed suicide, shot himself in front of me with a handgun and died instantly. It was tragic, horrible and no one should ever have to witness that, NO ONE. After his death, I found out he had been having an affair. I had no idea, no clue. In one year I lost my job, my house, my car and my husband. My sons and I had to move in with my parents due to finances and I just needed help. I am grateful, but it was hard to swallow that pride and move home at 36.
I dated and unfortunately dated someone who was a cheating liar. I then met a man that was the man of my dreams and he and I have been together for about a year and a half. He is so good to me, my boys and our family, he is an amazing, wonderful man. He has been so understanding with my episodes of depression and trying to run him off. I have told him probably 3 times he needed to just go, run, I was a mess and he deserved better and someone who wasn't so much work. I pushed, he pushed back. He fought to keep me. I almost feel like I push to see if he will push back, if I am worth the push to stay. There is probably nothing he would not do for me. I wish that I could see me through his eyes.
This summer, we got a house, a beautiful 1930's house. It is so fun to work on it and we have done so much together on it. It is wonderful to be on our own again, I am a natural homemaker, should have been a housewife in the 50's.
So there it all is...me summed up in a few paragraphs. I apologize this is long, but I felt the need to explain how I got where I am. I am just not okay. I worry my boyfriend will tire of my depression and how it affects me, I worry he will find someone else. I worry about the damage I may have done to my sons. I just feel unworthy of all that I have, why do I deserve all of this good. Then again, I really can't explain how I feel. I just feel blah, I just want to cry, I just want to run away from everyone and everything and not deal with it. I have so much, but am not happy.
I hate this...just hate it.