Posted 10/2/2012 6:10 AM (GMT 0)
I'm 18 years old and when I was 11 I lost my Nan to alcohol, she drank because my grandad died before his time, so long before, he was dead before he had the chance to be my grandad. At the time they didn't know he was sick with huntingtons disorder, since the relisation of the disease, my auntie has become very very sick and is in a home, my uncle died of alcohol abuse after getting a positive result. The last person to get a positive result was my mum, she came home 2 years 5 months and 45 days ago and told my sister and I the news. My sister since has gone off the rails emotionally, lies and cheats for attention and consistantly bullies and blames my mum for everything, I see my mum in tears most days because of my sister. 1year 3 months and 29 days ago I walked in on my mums suicide attempt, empty pill packets everywhere. 62 pills, I know because the person on the 999 call needed to know how many and of what. I sat alone through the night in the hospital family waiting area still in my pyjamas. Called my sister, she said if shes selfish enough to want that then I'm going to be selfish and get my shut eye. Ive had countless nights awake but that one was by far the longest. My mum made it through but everyday the disease takes her further and further away from herself. Shes terrified.
My mum is like my mum, dad, and best friend. She really actually does know everything I do, she knows I smoke she knows every drug Ive taken every guy and girl ive shagged (bisexual, just incase the last statement didn't clear that up) I know everything about her too. Since the disease has started manifesting my mums gone through all kinds of stages to deal with it, she turned to alcohol abuse for a straight 6 months out of the blue during my AS level exams. Shes gone off the rails with other things and ofcourse the suicide attempt. And every step of the way ive been there. Cleaning the house after the drunken nights, cooking and sorting out healthy food for the hangover. Cleaning sick of the sofa is never fun though. Ive got no other real family, my dad lives in south Africa and all my mums side is dead. I hear my mum cry for her mum most night's. Its the most haunting sound I think there is. That or a positive on results day anyway. I try everyday to be everything for my mum. She gave her whole heart and soul into being a mum she had a very bad and very poor upbringing dropped out of school when she was fifteen and now shes a very important woman in the job she cant do anymore, and has a lovely home, we've done and seen loads and a mother has never cherished a child more. Me and my mum have been best friends for so long, and Ive been her carer for a while in some ways that now the mother daughter relationship is shady. So when I hear her terrified and hurting just wanting her mum I know how she feels. I
stopped sleeping a while ago (4years) my usual night consists of daydreams of nightmares, bombardment of thought and tears. Falling asleep at 5am is a good night for me. Because of my sleeping habbits I'm always on edge and always ill. This was the cause of me dropping out of sixth form a year early. I developed a severe kidney infection and was poorly for months. Slowly and slowly I became a recluse. I was really bright at school, always had straight A's and always have felt privellidged to be able to learn. But I just couldn't keep up. Started seeing my boyfriend and started seeing my friends less. Until all of sudden I was just a shadow of who I was. I'm. Constantly nervous, anxious, down, defeated and flat. I got a really good job and I was so ****ing happy it was perfect for me and finally gave ne something to do and be proud of, even my sleep was slightly on the mend, but ofcourse lost it because my phycotic sister called them up and randomly threatened to take them to court because one day I was late and they had a word..... My boyfriend to me was the guy I fell in love with and just wanted to make happy, never wanted to drag him into my crap and protected him as much as I could. Turns out nearly 2 years down the line he doesn't want me. We broke up a month or so ago which stings my chest to even write but ive got over bigger things I guess. Now ive got to pick myself up and find another job and keep going. But I cant. My head says that to me less and less and the smaller things are getting allot harder. The silliest things become huge and the place where I wanna be is getting further and further away. I mostly just think of what I could be doing now everyday becoming more and more assured ill never actually find stability in myself. When I'm alone I freeze up mostly just sitting in silence, for some obscure reason not able to motivate my body to turn the Tv on or read a book or call a friend. I try my hardest not to be alone but since the breakup that's not possible. I have bad mood swings now, never had them before, always been pretty easy going until now. I wake up and I don't get up now. Loosing quite allot of weight, and getting very very very fed up of living in my head. I feel numb and if I begin to indulge one thought all of them come pooring out. Im absoloutely consumed with trying to keep sane and not just burrow into a dark hole in the ground. I have no mental space for anything else. I cant think past the strain. With my mum I see excactly how she sees and i know the last thing she wants is to be alone. But shes so scared of it she ends up pushing people away. And now when she should be free from the 24 years of complete sacrifice for her children and getting herself out of the absoloute crap hand she was given. And giving her youth and healthy mind and heart into everybody else. She has nothing left for herself and the sickness wont allow that to change. I know she'll never see things shes always wanted to. I know she'll get ill thinking she was never worth loving. And one of her children attacks her every chance. Those facts alone deeply sadden the very innards of my soul. But now me and my sister need the test and its 50/50 for both of us. So past tense was pretty dreary. The present is mondane and sickening and the future is definately the complete decline of my mother as I know her. And as I watch her get worse and worse and get more and more disabled I could very well be getting a glimpse at my future and or my sisters. I don't know if I'm depressed I just know I'm very sad and ive never wanted to be in any of the places ive ended up. I came across this forum tonight and just wanted to atleast write the draft of this. I mostly do things to fill time rather take each moment. Another recent personality trait. Well its 7 in the morning so I should be able to sleep till ten now, like I said 5am is a good night.