What to do...?

Hey. I'm a girl, 18 years old.
And I just need some advice, or... I don't even know.
Please read all.

When I was younger I used to selfharm a lot. I stopped that because of my father. He cried when he saw that. He even buy me some antidepressants, but that didn't help.
It passed about 5 years since that and althought I didn't do anything that's consider as selfharm at that period, I still have a strong desire to do that!!
I was trying to kill myself at that time. I tried couple of times. Seems like I fail, lol. But sometimes I still want to do it, but I will not.

I just feel so depressed all the time. Everything around me makes me sad.
I have no friends. I mean, I always was an outsider. In school I am the quite one, I don't talk much. I'm always shy... And there was a time when kids from school used to physically abused me.

I used to love music, movies, anime... And I still love all that, but not like before. I lose interest in everything so soon. Nothing is amusing, nothing is fun, nothing brings me joy...
All I want to do is to eat and sleep. And that's all.
I try to spend time outside because I heard that sun can help people to feel better, such as exercising too... But nothing helped.

I didn't tell anything to my parents because I don't want to bother them. I know they will not understand.
When my mother saw me crying with notched wrists she just said "Get up and go to school."
My father will be crashed and I don't want him to worry. He already worry enough. He will just say "Pray. Don't give up. I'm here for you..." and stuff like that, but to do something prodictive or completely understand me, I think that's impossible for him.

I just don't want to live like that anymore.
I always worry about something, even over small and unimportant things. I always feel like everyone judges me and thinks all the bad about me.
If someone approaches me I become so nervous I can't even talk. My head is empty and I don't know what to say.
I noticed I'm always so irritated whenever my mother say me something and I really don't want to be like that.
Plus I have huge mood swings from completely bored to totally scared. And that happens in a second. (Usually at school, lol.)

Plus, I see no meaning in anything. Even in my education.

I even tried to get out all the stress with going on a concert of one band I really like. You know when people say "Go jump, to boxing, scream and get out all the stress". So I was thinking that all the singing and dancing to my favorite songs will help.
I almost didn't go because I am kinda afraid of the crowd.
So I went there and I started to cry in that mass of people who was so happy.

And after all, I never had a boyfriend or have been in a relationship. All my classmates have someone or used to have and I feel like a freak when they talk about it. I always wonder what's wrong with me?
It's not that I never had any opportunities, but boys who liked me, well, I didn't like tham back. And I don't want to be with someone just so I can say I have a boyfriend.
Because all that I feel so ugly and insecure about my look.

I really try hard to be ok. I'm always nice to everyone. I'm kind to my classmates, I try to be good to my parents, I want to help... But nothing helps me.
I was thinking to find some psychologist at my town and went for a talk, but I don't trust that people. Plus, my father is completely against modern medicine and methods, so he will be against that.
I used to go to psychologist when my parents get devorced, but that was like some procedure, nothing serious.

Thank you if you read it all.
And I apologise for my bad English.

Hello HereThere,

your english is fine.

I do believe you need to see and talk to a therapist. Start with a doctor if you can. If not the school guidance councelor will do. If you go to church or religous group seek out a leader. Be 100% honest about your feelings and the help that you need.

You need help from a professional. You are too young to do it on your own, and most of us can not do on our own, no matter what our age.

Karen gave you some good links to follow through on, please use them.

some more links

http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html

www.SuicidalTeens.com

If you get yourself into a dark place and can't get out, go to your local ER and ask for help.

Know that there are people out there that will help you, I know I found someone.

Keep posting here, we will listen and support you.

Trina

I am glad you are going to look up the sites. It really helps to have extra help that we can get to when we do need it.

Keep posting, know that we all care.

Hugs to you,
Karen

It would be against the law for the doctor to tell your parents. Besides this is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a physical condition in our brains that causes the depression. If you had broken your leg, you would go and get a cast on. If you were a diabetic, you would take medication. Depression is no different. It is something we need help with. Besides if you don't do it, who will? You have to be proactive with your mental health.

Sorry about the panic attack. Remember to breathe, in through the nose out though the mouth. Called smelling the roses and blowing out the candles. Concentrate on that instead of the panic attack...

Hugs, Karen