Depressed spouse had affair

So my husband had an emotional affair with an 18 yr old, while I was pregnant and shortly after she was born. The OP was a member of the youth group he lead and when I found out about the affair. I immediately reported him to someone higher up in the youth group, which still angers him to this day, and separated from him. This was over a year ago. We moved back in together after a few months and have been through counselling and have been trying to work things out.
I have come to understand that my husband is depressed and this is a big piece of why he had an EA . He is seeing a counsellor on the internet, but refuses to see a physician about his depression because he doesn't want to even talk about taking medication. However, because of this depression, or maybe I am making excuses for him, he is totally unable to be supportive of me or hear me, because he takes everything I say and turns it around to be about him. I tell him I am having a hard time with his anger and his response is "I don't like you telling me how to feel". I tell him I struggle when he is really depressed, in part because he stops helping with our kids, the house, and our dog, along with the emotional distance he puts between us. He denies that he stops helping and says he is going through too much to be there for me emotionally or physically. I feel like I could be the perfect wife, in every way, and it just wouldn't matter.
I have worked really hard on myself and my marriage and I feel like I really have my crap together, am generally happy, but I am living next to a black hole. I am really discouraged by the lack of positivity, his inability to see past his own sadness and shame and I am frustrated that he still holds so much anger towards me about my actions after the affair and my failings in the marriage that, in his mind, contributed to having an affair. Rather than seeing all the hard work that I have done.
I don't want to leave someone, because they have a mental illness, but I am so close to the end of this relationship. I want someone who I can share my joy with, who can laugh and smile, appreciate me, and be there for me when I need it. I would rather not break up my family, but I don't know how much more of this relationship I can take.
Thanks for reading this and sharing your experiences, in advance.

You are correct with the EA. He had no physical contact with the OP but spent many, many hours texting her and telling her he loved her.

I have just started seeing a counsellor again and we are still in couples therapy.

I am not sure if there is even much point to couples therapy, these days, until he finds his way out of this depression. All the positivity that our counsellor tries to bring seems totally lost of him. He won't do the CBT exercises. Our counsellor has spend a lot of time trying to focus on rebuilding our friendship, but that doesn't ever hold my husbands focus. Going on dates is painful, because he frequently sits and won't talk to me or, if he does talk, he gets snappy really easily. We certainly can't talk about conflict, let alone the affair without my husband either walling up or having a big melt down. He also tends to go in to one of his isolating depressive states for at least a couple of days, if not a week, whenever we talk about the affair or any contentious issues.

Does anyone have any suggestions about marital counselling with a depressed spouse, or especially, a depressed spouse who had an affair?

I am not sure about his therapy on the internet. I would be more hopeful if he were seeing his own in person.

There is a book called Allies in Healing. For the partner of someone that is healing from abused. There may be one for partners of depression sufferers. You can check in out on the internet then then check your local library for a copy. They are written in question format, very easy to navigate.

You have no reason to feel quilty, so go easy on your self. However, hubby is not moving as fast as you are in the healing journey. Sounds like he as not even faced up to the affair such as it was. These things take time. His bellowing at you is his anger, guilt, hurt and shame that he does not no how to process yet. He will in time.

As Karen said, work on yourself, pratice the CBT for you, he will see you getting better and automaticly follow one day.

Stay strong and keep posting we are here to listen and support.

Trina