Depression again

Hey everyone, so I'm new here I'm 27 years old, I moved here about 3 years ago and I started dating my boyfriend a year later. I suffered from depression for several years after losing my dad from cancer and being in an abusive relationship. I was on effexor for a while and then zoloft. I didn't like the way it made me feel and missing a dose or not being able to afford it was terrible. I have no depth perception, I live in a military town, I can't cross busy streets alone (I will wait for a parked car thinking it's moving), I have no ride to work if I could get a job and because of my eyes I can't drive.

I lost my grandpa in January, I had a possible miscarriage in July (I was never able to get it confirmed), I seem to break down all the time I can't get out of bed, I cry all the time, my anxiety flares up, and my family has offered to bring me back home. I was home in May and it really did help. I felt much better, I'm happy when I'm with my boyfriend but I'm miserable when he's not around. I live with my mom, he lives with his parents, he's 29 and just started a career as a teacher.

I know it's not right for me to put that kind of pressure on him and I don't want to. Everyone says that I should do something for myself, go back home where I can walk around safely, get a job, try to work things out for myself and that if things are meant to work out for us they will. When I try to tell him this he gets very hurt, he tells me to just go but I'm the only woman for him, than he turns around and says don't leave and than he says we can do long distance. I think it would put more pressure on us both if we did long distance and he's told me he's done it before and didn't like it. I have some family here but I rarely see them and I have no one but my boyfriend otherwise. This is really hard.

Has anyone here gone through anything similar? What happened?

Everybody is right hon, you do need to work on you. It isn't healthy to be so attached to somebody that they control your day and how you feel. You have to work on you and if it is meant to be, it will. He has his life and his carreer, you don't. That alone is a sad thing. You are a very special person and deserve to blossom. So take care of you. You might want to start with some counseling. It really helps us get our lives back together.

Take care of you and be good to yourself. Keep posting and know that we do care...

Hugs, Karen

I really have to go back to the counseling, because I really think that you need to go. It will give you some direction and purpose in your life. Try to let the guilt go. It isn't healthy. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done nothing wrong. So put that out of your head...

You need a starting point and some goals. You need to take care of you.

Hugs, Karen

Therapy? I actually was given a psychologists number back in 05 because of my anxiety attacks but I couldn't afford it. The smallest things seem to make me have meltdowns anymore, having to send my computer back again for the 3rd time in less than a year, I'm mad about it but it shouldn't stress me out and make me bawl. I used to be a very creative person, now it seems like anytime I decide to draw or play my guitar I just get mad. How would I go about finding a therapist? One of my friends back home is seeing one and has offered to introduce me if I decide to move back. Do I need a special kind or just someone I'm comfortable with?

Thank you everyone! I'm honestly at my wits end about all of this, everything looks so black and white. If I leave I lose him, if I stay I could feel like this forever, his mom suffers from depression, shes left his dad several times and comes back. I don't want that to be us, I don't want to hurt him that way, It's all very scary and I have a lot of anxiety stemming from why I wasn't excited when he proposed to me and why I didn't automatically say yes to him. It's brought so much doubt, I seem to doubt everything now and it's made worse by the fact that every time he brings up marriage now I get angry. I don't know why I get angry, he constantly apologizes and I feel terrible about how I'm acting. Every time we try talking we both end up in tears and I don't know what to say to him. This is my first serious relationship since I broke up with my abusive boyfriend in 05 and I think a lot of my fear of talking to him comes from all of that. If I ever picked on him (although he picked on me all the time) I'd get elbowed in my bad knee or my arm twisted. The last argument my ex and I had he tried to run me over with his car I broke up with him that night. I was single for 4 years after that, in that time I ended up in really bad situations and it's a rather long story. Our first year here I ended up meeting a guy who after a few months of going on dates ended up being married, had a kid and had several other girlfriends. My boyfriend and I now, in 2 years we've never said I love you, which brings on more doubt, do we feel it? I'll try to find that book for kindle, and research therapists. I'd like to get past this, I'd really like to feel better about myself, my decisions and my future.

I agree with Karen 110% plus I would like to add that you can not forecast the future!

You are not your mother, you are YOU! Live in the now, for you and see what happens.

Mindful.org has some articles that may be helpful to you.

Stay strong

Trina

Meditation does calm the mind and body. It helps with anxiety a lot. It has to do with relaxing your muscles and breathing. Both which relieve anxiety.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember when you practice meditation, you are doing it...

Hugs, Karen