Background information:
Severe spinal problems which lead me to pain within 10 minutes of walking ( no medicine prescribed for pain)
Severe Sleep Apnea ( I'm convinced it could be narcelepsy)
To start off I want to talk about
my day to day life, so bare with me.
I'm currently a senior in highschool and the sleep apnea has made my grades suffer.
They suffer because of my inability to stay awake in class and the inability to truly put a effort into anything I do( I try, I really do...) Because of this suffering I tend to lose track of assignments and I find myself feeling stressed over not turning in assignments which lead to me breaking down and ultimately crying or becoming angry. To make matters worse I have a sister who has made it her mission to tell my father anytime I miss an assignment and makes things sound much worse then they actually are which causes him to become enraged. When this happens our whole family gets into a fight and I feel like it's completely my fault and they don't understand that I truly try, but I can't get myself together(I've tried explaining it to them, but ultimately they brush it off).
The sleep apnea has also left me feeling lonely as I'm very anti-social and have a select group of friends whom I've been friends with since the 1st grade. However, when I do try to talk to other people I judge myself by everything I say and I always end up telling myself, "Oh my god, why'd you say that? Are you stupid? just stop talking -.-"
All of this and I feel like I truly don't have a purpose on this world. I can't seem to do any of my work, I can't seem to get anything I want to do done. I'm 18 for christ sakes and I don't have a job or a permit.
To make matters worse, because of all of these things I've found myself the hobby of video-games and I stay in my home playing with friends that I can talk to normally ( Online friends that I haven't met in real life). My family doesn't understand that I'm truly happy with what I'm doing and say that it's pathetic and I should go outside and play sports( Once again my back). I'll mention my back and they'll continue to say that it's good to be outside and criticise me on how much I don't get done in life. This brings me feeling that I truly haven't achieved much of anything.
Can anyone please tell me how I can overcome this hatred I have for myself?
As well, I need a way I can possibly reach out to my family where they'll listen to what I have to say and understand what I'm going through and what their actions truly make me feel.
I'd also like to add that I've tried to talk to them, but I end up thinking bad about
myself at the same time and break down crying and can't get a word out.
I'm sorry that this is such a mess of a topic, but I honestly couldn't think of how to write this as I'm so confused.
Post Edited (Carson.M.) : 10/31/2012 10:34:20 PM (GMT-6)