Posted 11/19/2012 10:26 PM (GMT 0)
Less then a week ago my girlfriend of about a year out of the blue called and broke it off with me. To say the least I was confused and didn't really know what to say. i suppose I still do not. I guess to understand everything, we have to start at the beginning. Sorry for the length but talking about it has been a sort of catharsis for me.
We met in college, she was coming from Seattle to a university in Michigan for grad school and i was a junior. I started college a little later so we were the same age, both 27. She was a grad student in my advisors lab, so we seen each quite frequently and eventually became real good friends. We became close and ended up sharing a lot with each other. She always told me that i reminded her of home. it was easy to detect that she liked me, alot. i felt the same but never could could muster the courage to ask her officially out. She is quite beautiful, smart and funny. Despite my stupidity at the time, her feelings did not alter and she asked me out. I accepted. After that, it was unbelievable. For the first time in my life I felt like I was loved and and I was able to allow myself to be love. We talked, shared and explored. The relationship felt like something I have only read in a novel. It was a couple months into our relationship that she shared the fact that she suffers from depression and she didnt like the effect of her current medication and wanted to go off of it. i could tell she was nervous to tell me but I assured her that it did not bother me and I was not going anywhere. I was happy that she told me and I believe that it opened our relationship even more. As the months went by we spent a lot time together and I can honestly say, to this point in my life, I never was as happy as I was with her.
At the end of the semester, I graduated and got hired for a job that was 2 hours away. i can honestly say it broke my heart to take that job. But i needed income. She didn't like it either but was understanding. I came back every weekend and we would spend time together. The first few months were extremely difficult for me but she always found ways to make me happy. She was really supportive and things were going fine. When the new semester started she got busy, as she started to work on projects. I did not mind, I still came up every weekend. Even if she was busy I still felt better by just being closer to her. As the semester continued, she started to get stressed about school and I could sense a change in her disposition. i asked her about it and she told me she was feeling the depression again and it was pretty bad. When she told me, she was crying and told me that previous boyfriends have broken up with her because of it. I assured her again that I was not going anywhere and that she met too much me. We talked about it honestly and openly. i asked her if it was me, if the long distance was affecting her. She told me that she did better when I was around.
It killed me to be away from while she was feeling like this. She started feeling worse and sometimes miss work or leave early. She would sometimes go out and drink. As she put it "the reason she drank was because she wanted an actually reason to feel like ****". We talked about her depression and she realized she needed to go see someone. During this time she would sometimes seem distant from me. I never wanted to walk on eggshells so I would ask her if we were ok. She assured me that it was and it was being caused by how she was feeling. And that it would pass. I told her I didn't want to lose her. She told me I wasnt going to lose her. She seen a psychiatrist for a new prescription and also started seeing a psychologist. That was a couple weeks ago and she was still feeling the same. She told me it took a little while and things would be fine. Again I felt terrible for being away from her and it was hard sometimes because i really didnt know what she was going through. But I always reminded her that I wan't going anywhere and I supported her. She did the same.
After meeting with psychologist earlier this, she said they thought it might be a good idea if we didnt go back to Seattle around christmas because it stressful for her to go back home. I told her I agreed. The next day, she emailed e and told me she talked to her mom and that we were'nt going and we should something fun for the holiday. The following day is when I got the phone call. She said she broke down at work, I asked her what happened. She said it was about us. She said she didnt feel the same way anymore. I was shocked. The only thing I could say was that i didn't understand. She said she didnt know why but thought it was best her and I not to be together. She told me she felt like a broken person. I asked if there was any chance for this feeling to pass and she said no. I was heartbroken. I emailed her later that night, no questions, just to remind her that she is an amazing person and that she is not broken. She replied the next day and said that she did not regret our time together but thought this was best and didn't want to hurt me. She ended it by saying that she is going to miss me alot. It felt like a sorry/goodbye letter.
The next day, I found out that she deleted me and my friends from her facebook. Childish to care, I know. But this made me even more confused and thoughts that she was trying to hide something started racing through my mind. So I called her and asked her if she was/is seeing anybody else. She seemed upset by the question and told me she wasn't. I believe her. She also said the face book thing was because she didn't want to be reminded of me as it was still hard for her. I do regret making that call, I know she isn't a cheater. After that, I decided that I wan't going to call her for 3-4 weeks. I deleted her number and sent it to a friend to give to me later. I feel like she may sometime to figure things out.
But i just feel like she is trying to purge me out of her life even after the things we have been through. I feel like it's easy for her to throw me out. I want to believe that this is a defense mechanism for. No interaction equals no stress for her. This is hard for me. She is incredible and means a lot to me. I feel like I am a different person now. Like my path is different. And I don't want to lose that feeling. There is so much more to our relationship and what she meant to me but it's hard to depict on a thread. I know our relationship may never be like it was when we were dating but I feel like I do need some kind of relationship with her. I guess to conclude my rambling and choppy sentences, Am I doing the right thing?, What should I do? Any advice? Am I hopeless romantic?
Thank you