So, I'm pretty new here, in fact I just joined today. And if I'm to be honest I only joined to get answers about
my boyfriend's diabetes, but after looking around most of the day I've noticed how helpful the site can be, and thought why not give it a try. So, I guess I'll start of by introducing myself a little bit. My name is Anna and I'm currently twenty four years old. When I was sixteen I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder after my school found out about
my cutting and from there I was forced into therapy. I was placed on prozac for about
a year, but it only made my symptoms worse.I was then placed on effexor at a low dose and when that didn't work pristiq--which also didn't work for me. So I stopped medication therapy (without my therapist knowledge) and continued on with therapy until I was twenty one and lost my health insurance.
I've always had my high and low points--fall and winter always being the worst for me (vitamin D deficiency doesn't help) and get by the best way I know how. I've even managed to almost completely stay away from self destructive habits and by that I mean ****. I'll get to the point some times where I just can't handle the mental hurt and have to make it physical and I'll end up ******. But it's been almost eight months since I've even done that. The last time was the passing of my father like figure...
Anyway, recently, I've been starting to feel off again. Like I'm once again falling into this deep dark pit and I'm not going to be able to find my way out once I hit the bottom. I'll cry for no reason and all I want to do is sleep. There isn't a moment in the day where I'm not tired. I used to read a book a day, but it's been months since I've even touched one. And of course my boyfriend notices seeing as we live together and it makes me feel guilty because I can't talk to him about
it. Because it makes me feel crazy because I can't explain what's wrong with me because more than ninety percent of the time I don't know what is wrong with me. And he sees it as me not being happy living with him, which isn't the case at all. He has saved me so many times from myself without even knowing he was doing so. And reassuring him hasn't worked for awhile because he can read me so well. And I guess I really don't know. I want to be able to talk to him, but I guess I'm scared of the outcome. I don't want him to think I'm crazy too. I just want to be able to reassure him that this will pass it always does. I guess I may also be a little scared. Because for the first time since I've been diagnosed I don't have Ted (my father like figure) to talk me through everything. To just listen to me without judgement.
A lot of this episode may have a lot to do with Ted and the fact I never really had a chance to mourn his passing. I was at his side when he passed unexpectedly, but when I returned home I had to put on a straight face. Up until the last couple of months I lived and took care of my grandmother who had had a stroke 9/5/2011 and my two younger cousins whom she had custody of. And the last thing I wanted to do was upset them further.
I don't know what to expect from this if I'm to be completely honest. Maybe a little advice on how to mourn properly so I can get passed this little bump in the road. Or maybe even how to talk to my boyfriend about
it. If nothing comes from it either way it was definitely a great way to vent and it helped a bit. Thanks for reading.
Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 11/20/2012 8:46:39 PM (GMT-7)