Posted 11/26/2012 3:46 AM (GMT 0)
I've always tried to repress all kind of romantic/sexual emotions, I was born in a very conservative/catholic family and where I had to be pure, innocent, inexperienced, submissive/meek and virgin to be perfect and worthy; and only when I wanted to get marry I could have a boyfriend. When I was a teenager I studied very well the role I had to play so I never had a lot of friends, my journey was from home to school and vice versa, no boyfriend, no parties. Women didn't worry about those superficial, dirty things.
When I was in middle school it was fine, but when I was in university, I started to get depressed, I wanted to have boyfriends and so, but at that point I was extremely (and I still am) insecure, I felt stupid for being like this, like a kid from elementary school knows more than me. Maybe some people will think it's not a problem, but being 25 and not being able of responindg a kiss is very embarrasing, so everytime I like a guy I just try to forget him because I don't want to be like a fool in front of him.
When I am with a guy I like I am also very meek, I play that role and I care even about the smile, it has to be very slight, very innocent, very childish? like with no malice. Not sexy at all, only when a guy says I am sexy I start laughing like crazy.
Now I am very curious about anything, I'd like to have a relationshp with a guy even if it's nothing serious, I don't want any kind of cmminment, I just want to know what it is to enojoy something.
But, two days ago, I was talking about this to a friend and about a guy I like and that I am not with him because I feel such a fool, he said: "well, I don't think there's nothing wrong with that, I think as YOU WANT to feel those things..."When he said: YOU WANT, I felt he was accusing me of something wrong and I got depressed, I didn't tell him, but I don't know why I felt that way, I do want this guy but why did I feel like this when he said I wanted to feel those things?