HELP - it is long

The last week of October I overdosed and almost died, I barely made it. I was in ICU for a week and than they sent me to a psychiatric center for five days which was pointless because it was over a weekend they only had like three groups a day and we played bingo and did arts and crafts. During my stay in the hospitals only a few people knew what happened, my boyfriend and mom who where both supportive and my "best" friend who did not come see me and never even asked if I was okay which REALLY hurt. I decided when I got home the second week of November that I would just take the rest of the month off work and school (I am in college). During my time off I was depressed very badly the first week but slowly started to feel better, not OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE LIFE better but better enough to get out of bed and I managed to hang out with friends three times, which is actually a lot from me since I have really cut myself off from friends due to how depressed I have been. I always have thoughts on why I made it and why am I here and how much longer do I have to suffer. I decided to go back to work part time to get back into the flow of things slowly. I work at a company that brings in A LOT of money and I work as a customer service representative and returns department so my job can be stressful, you would be amazed and how many people freak out about lights you would think I sold them a broken kidney. So going back to work was a lot more stressful than I expected it to be and I am also back in school full time and I am miserable. I don't want to do anything, I have no desire to go anywhere, I don't want to work, I have been slacking on my school work, I am a mess. I am manic, so depressed. I am diagnosed with bipolar, serve depression, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and anxiety, and sleeping problems. I do not want to be on many medications but am not sure what to do at this point right now I am on doexpin (150mg) exeffor (225mg) and klonapin (4mg). Yesterday I went to my company's Christmas party in Manhattan and had some free time so I decided to meet up with some friends that I have not seen in years and I had a BLAST. I felt like my old self, the person before the depression, the drugs, the overdoses, the cutting, the drinking, THE REAL ME and it made me realize what a true friend is suppose to be like and the one I have in PA is nothing like the two girls I have in New York. I cried for a good 45 minutes after leaving them and just realized I do not have anyone like that in PA, no true girl friend. I am just sooooo depressed the smallest things make me flip. I am doing DBT therapy right now but I have only seen her three times. I mean should I move and start a new life? Should I try different medications? I just don't know what to do anymore, I want to be the outgoing, fun loving, giggly person I use to be but now I am lucky if I smile once a week. I know I am kind of rambling but I just need advice some way to cope, words that will make me feel better or give me hope, something, I don't want to live in pain, it is horrible.

There are a lot of issues with her. And what am I suppose to do about work? I can't keep calling off and I can't afford to lose my job. Also I don't want to drop out of college either. I have been working on my PTSD for years and nothing has helped. I understand I need to take things one day at a time but it is really hard when I know I HAVE to do something every day by a certain time. Getting out of bed is a challenge never mind getting ready and working that seems to be a project.

I am not really sure how my friends could help me with the job issue and I know I am putting my manager in a horrible position because he is my future brother in law so I have a really good feeling people think he is playing favorites with me which is not the case, he knows I am clearly having problems. I do have a therapist so I am hoping that will help somewhat as for talking to other people I find it hard. My boyfriend is a good person to talk to but I do not really know many people that have these kind of issues and they just don't understand. I am sick of hearing "just get out of bed and do it I don't see what the big deal is." Lately getting out of bed has been a HUGE deal. As for doing this to distract myself or keep my mind occupied I am so depressed I can't. I haven been trying to listen to music more but it is usually only when I am at work and that is mainly because if I have headphones in I have a reason not to talk to anyone which I know sounds mean but I just don't want to be bothered anymore. As for school I really don't want to take a break because I am afraid I won't go back I am four years away (which sounds like a lot but really isn't for how far I've come) from getting my doctorate and I really do not want to mess that up but at the same time I am starting to lose interested I have NEVER handed in work late and this week I am already three days late on one assignment and a day late on another. I feel like I am at a dead end.

The new therapist I have only seen three times before that I was seeing the same one for over a year and it didn't seem to do much. I am tired but I feel if I wasn't depressed that I wouldn't be. I just have no idea how to handle this especially with a job and trying to get my education finished.