Hello
I've had varying degrees of depression for about 20 years. I know when it started and why but I feel that I cannot fix it. I know I punish myself from being happy, I just cannot stop. In a nutshell, I feel like I'm in a cloud. Literally, when I'm walking around a mall, I feel like I'm invisible. Life happens around me but I cannot interact. I'm a 34 yr old female, I have a job that I absolutely hate but cannot quit. (I quit a job last year and it was hard to find this one-but it's worse). I have no career, it's basically payables/data entry but it consumes my life. I spend anywhere from 10-14 hours per day at work. I live paycheck to paycheck, never go anywhere and never do anything fun. I live with my parents and before anyone jumps to conclusions, I could live on my own, but they cannot. They cannot afford their own bills and I contribute more than my share. I cannot move out and support them at the same time.I'm not hard-hearted enough to leave them without money for heat or groceries. Unfortunately tho, because i live with them, I do not date. I've never had a boyfriend in my life, I've never been loved-emotionally or physically by a man and I feel invisible to men. I used to be obese so I carry with me this feeling of being a piece of garbage-not enough to look at but when they do it's with disinterest. I'm thin now, but I still invisible. You'd think losing 100 lbs would give me more confidence, but the fact that it hasn't brings me down. I never get asked out-ever. Over the years I've lost many friends and I blame myself. I always think I'm punishing them if they hurt me somehow and I let them go, but it always ends up hurting me because I'm literally and utterly alone. I have no friends. there's girls at work that I hate-mostly because I envy their perfect lives. truthfully, the only reason I stick around is because I want to care for my mom when she's older. If I'm gone, no one will do that. But it makes me very exhausted to think that I might live until I'm in my 80s--to be this lonely and depressed for 50 years -I just cannot bear it. I have to tho, for my mom. My insurance is crap, they don't pay for mental health and I tried to contact a free clinic at a college but they have all the patients they need. I know what my problems are, I just feel utterly incapable of fixing any of them. Everything in my life is wrong. What can I do?