Obsessive self-loathing

I'm early 40s, male, married, with a two-year-old son. I don't know what to call my psychological problems. I've been sure I've had half a dozen or so at various times in my life; most of my psychologists/psychiatrists have agreed with however I diagnosed myself at the time.

Right now I self-diagnose as atypically depressed, anxious, OCD primarily obsessive, narcoleptic.

The chief symptom I display to others is body language/facial expressions of sorrow and worry. I obsess about (OCD-style) or flash back to (PTSD-style) a string of humiliations, arguments, and general misery that hit me in adolescence and I suppose have prevented me from developing into an adult. I witnessed events in school that should have been prevented by the faculty but weren't; I am still angry about that. I have not learned to prevent myself from showing negative emotions; that seems to make most people angry and untrusting towards me.

I bought a digital voice recorder to use for exposure and response prevention (ERP). It seems counterintuitive to listen to myself describing/ forecasting horrible events. It has seemed to work using some scenarios I have made up: I describe myself in detail, losing my temper at a school bully. (That is different from my actual past--I rarely lashed out, although I showed negative emotion, which is why so many adults said I deserved to persecuted.) My heart doesn't race when I think about those scenarios any more, but without meaning to I'm always creating new ones. Often I think about people criticizing me, mostly adolescents telling me I am an idiot and worthless. I think that they are right and it hurts to think that.

I have had eleven therapists over the course of my life. I have tried cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation, hypnosis and about half a dozen SSRIs (which I gave up on about ten years ago). Right now I don't know if I should ask my physician about anafranil to stop the obsessive thoughts. I am extremely tired of them and so is my wife.

My OCD workbook recommends the ERP but that is usually focused on fears that the sufferer will do something awful ("I'm about to go nuts and scream!") which isn't what is really bothering me. My main thoughts are that everything that was said about me by 13-year-olds who hated me was true. That's been bothering me for thirty years and it is wearing me out. When I use that as the basis for ERP it doesn't have any effect.

Is there any way to come to grips with obsessive self-loathing?

This sounds verey severe. I don't know if I spelled that right. You really have to work on letting the past stay in the past. You really should be beyond this, and I don't know why you are hanging on to it. It effected you negatively and you need to move forward from it. I would say try new medication. I take abilify for obsessive thinking and it really works well for me. I don't dwell on things anymore. You are a different person from who you were all those years ago. What happened must have been very traumatic and probably embarrassing. I had something bad happen to me when I was in school. But once I started college, it was different. It should be changing for you too. What if you moved or something, would that help you?

Keep posting and know that we all care. A_V posted a good post. Take the information to heart. Try to move on with your life and put the past where it belongs. In the past. I know it isn't easy, but it can be done. Keep up with the meditation, it really does help.

Best wishes to you for a better day.

Hugs, Karen

AlgolPN,

My goodness! you are all over the place, I could barely tell what was real for you and what you said you made up.

Ask the doctor if "risperdal" would be a good choice for you. I take it for racing and obsessive thoughts.

I was abused by 4 members of my family, both parents and both siblings for 15 years. Repressed it for another 25 years. I have CBT and it did aid me in controling my thoughts. Believe me I have a lot!

You have the power to do this, CBT must become part of your life. Meditation must become part of your daily life to remain calm. You have to let go of the past you have to have WILLPOWER.

I also use mindfulness in my daily life to stay in moment, present, now and not the past. I don't project the future anymore.

http://mindful.org if you want to research it.

You have to be honest with yourself. No, these problems were not caused by you. However, you and only you can fix them. This is the hardest acceptance you will ever make! Then it becomes a little easier to go on.

Stay strong and I wish you Peace
Trina

You may want to ask your Therapist or research DBT [dialectible behavior therapy] much like CBT however, in DBT you can stop you thoughts or actions when they start.

So if you begin a "scenario" in your head, you use DBT to STOP it and slowly, you begin to control these, instead of them controlling you. There is a few workbooks on DBT. the Green one is the best.

The only way these type of therapies work though, is if you make them part of your daily life. You have to practice the exercises on your good days so when the bad times come it is easy to go into the excerise. Hard to do, took me 7mos to accept this knowledge, once I did, it was amazing how well the therapies worked.

Stay strong and I wish you peace
Trina

I did try EMDR. I had no luck with it. I read the article on dialectical behavior therapy; I don't know what to make of it since it seems to run counter to what my OCD handbook advocates. Then again the latter is for OCD and the former seems to be for BPD.

I do agree with the principles of CBT. I have yet to succeed in making it part of my every day life. That is where I fail. When I do menial tasks, ones that remind me of junior high school, I fall back into the same thought patterns.

People have said to me that I need to let go of a sense that the injustice is still happening; others say I need to simply grieve and get through it. Both of those make sense. I may need to actually create a grieving plan.

What I read at Wikipedia:
"Herman (author of Trauma and Recovery) believes recovery from C-PTSD occurs in three stages. These are:
establishing safety,
remembrance and mourning for what was lost, and
reconnecting with community and more broadly, society."

I suppose I will think about each of those things. I may already have safety, since I'm a grown man who is far from the reach of the bullies, but I still feel threatened by objectively pro-bully policies I notice here and there.

Anyway, I have a lot of thinking ahead. Thanks for all your thoughts.

AlgolPN,

I feel for you as I have suffered from lack of self-esteem and obsessive thinking most of my life and the older I get the more I don't care what others think, plus the medications help. I know you have a lot to think about right now but I just wanted to add something about the saying "depression is anger turned inward". It sounds like you also have a lot of anger and I would suggest doing some sort of physical activity that can help you get that out. I've been doing CBT and it helps, no doubt, but I have to do something physical that will get out the pent up emotions. Just my 2 cents.

Take care and know that you are stronger than you think.
frankie