Completely lost.

Hello everyone.

I probably won't be here for very long, as I only really came looking for maybe some advice and reach out a little. No, its not a suicide note, I haven't sunk that low just yet. This is a very long post, and I apologize, since I have a lot on my mind and I suppose explaining everything as much as I can might help you all understand my problem?

I came back from the doctor's about three hours ago, my test results having been perfectly fine, and after speaking to my doctor about how I was feeling, she pronounced me depressed and decided to start me on Cipralex with just 5mg to get me going and see how it gets to me then up the dosage to 10 if necessary. I've looked into it and while the possible side effects don't seem very appealing to me, I'm still willing to give it a go as long as it helps.

Now the problem isn't much about me, or my doctor, it's my parents.

I'm 22 years old, Illustration major, about to graduate come march of this new year. My school schedule consists of nearly 12 hours a day, every day, save for one or two days which may be 9 instead, and I'm stressed beyond relief. My school considers itself "Med school of Art." Which is absolutely and completely believable considering the amount of work we do almost every day.

Now, I love my parents dearly. They payed my college tuition in full for all three of my years, so I have no debts to worry about, I'm still living under their roof for free (though there are chores and slight demands of course), so I don't have rent to deal with, and I get food and free laundry whenever I want. I have absolutely no complaints about my parents, and I'm ridiculously thankful that I'll be able to start my life scotch free after graduating, save for my tiny credit card and cellphone bills, but they are extremely difficult people to deal with in terms of the concept of a mental illnesses.

English is not their first language, and I do understand that and cater to the slight communication barriers, not to mention in their home country, everyone toughs everything out and there's no easy routes like free health care (I'm Canadian) and relatively cheap guidance counselors like here in North America, so I understand it from their point of view... but they just don't believe that I'm depressed. I'm sure most parents would like to never believe there's anything wrong with their children. They believe it's just because I'm stressed about graduation and I barely eat or sleep between school nights and homework, and hardly have much of a social life anymore, to the point where I've lost most of my friends, and I don't particularly like the others in my class enough to 'hang out' with them outside of school (actually, I would very much like to punch quite a few of them in the face, because of their arrogance and stupidity, but that's another thing all together), so they believe, once I'm out of there, I'll feel like a million bucks.

I don't really know what to say. The feelings I have, I can't put into words, and because of that, I can't explain to my parents that I'd like to try the pills. I mean, I have, but they don't quite seem to get it.

I don't feel like I normally do. I get angrier faster. Things that shouldn't irritate me, no matter how small they are, set me off like an atomic bomb for several hours at a time. Highly indecisive; ridiculously so. I can barely keep on task without needing to flip open my phone, or check my emails and messages, and get completely side tracked. I've never been a jealous person, and recently I've been envious of my remaining friends for having their own lives aside from school. I've been pushing people away, when usually I'm a social butterfly. I feel anxious all the time, and even have mild panics and worries over little things... Some days, I don't even want to get up in the morning, and just pretend like I don't exist for the day... or several days. Much like it has been this holiday. I don't enjoy things as I used to. I just eat, sleep, draw, occasional conversation with an online friend then rinse and repeat.

Lately I stay up ridiculously late, to where I get to see my parents off when they go to work around 6 or 7 in the morning, then head to bed and I don't wake up until they come back 10-11 hours later. Its like I've flipped my time zone or something... its ridiculous. Granted, I know for a fact I'm a night owl. I always produce my best works at night because its quiet and I can concentrate, but this is just FAR to the extreme. I can sleep for 12+ hours, and easily stay awake for the remainder of the day and then some. And its not as if I have trouble sleeping either. At the drop of a hat I can nod off whenever and wherever, I actually have trouble waking up. I set my alarm for 12pm, and I don't ever even realize it goes off, then when I open my eyes, its already dark out again.

I honestly haven't seen much sunlight until today when I went to see my doctor's and it was kind of distressing to me. My mom laughed, but I was seriously concerned. For two solid weeks, I hadn't seen sunlight because of this crazy sleeping pattern. That's ridiculous.

So with all that in mind, and I am completely aware: I know there's something wrong with me. Its not normal of me.

Question is: Am I really depressed? Or is it just a side effect from school and my life style?

I want to give the pills a try, but my parents just won't listen. My father is very adamant about me not taking them; I figure he's afraid that I gain an addiction, while my mother keeps trying to suggest other reasons why I feel this way and tells me to tough it out until I graduate.

I don't know what to do.

That's why I came here. I figure maybe some stranger advice could help ease my mind somewhat.

It is possible that you could be depressed because of the things that you said. It is called situational depression. But that doesn't mean that you don't need medications for a little while. Until things settle down.

Eating and sleeping habits have a lot to do with depression. I think it would be wise to change your sleep patterns. If you can't sleep during regular sleeping hours, practice meditation. Learn to focus on what you are doing. Don't let yourself get distracted. Eat properly, avoid caffiene products, especially late in the day. You can take care of this with the help of the meds and getting regular sleep and eating right. Maybe walking a little during the day will help.

Take care and I hope that you feel better soon. Take life one day at a time.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Norin, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have experienced clinical depression for 30 years so I have quite a bit of experience with the disorder. I raised 4 children, most of them are now in their 20's, and it wasn't easy with when you can't control these feelings. I have been on anti-depressants for 15 years or so, but I plan to work my way off of them by trying alternative methods to healing. Anti-depressants shouldn't really help - from what I have been told - unless you have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I believe doctors are too quick to prescribe these....an easy solution for them among other reasons. You can try them, but it sounds to me like it may be your situation that is affecting you. The way to tell is, if you experience depression/anxiety when everything is going okay, and things still bother you... even though normally they can be easily dealt with. I think humans have strong coping mechanisms so if they can't deal with issues after a reasonable time period, then something else is going on. Personally, I would wait and see if this is the case with you. Try some natural, alternative methods to feeling better and work on your situation with your parents, and if you can't seem to get a handle on it, maybe you could try your doctor's recommendation. My hardest time is right after waking up in the morning. I now tell myself my feelings aren't real, and another secret I learned is to look up for a bit. I will look up at the sky, and it seems to take the edge off. Do go outside and get some sun...even on days that aren't nice. The fresh air is good, and it can put things into perspective for you. I am glad you came on here. It's good to find someone to talk to who is supportive. It's especially good to find ones who have gone through this. It is real and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If I think of some other healthy alternative aids to get you through this, I will let you know. I am doing better than before by just taking the time to breathe the air, look at the sky, and enjoy nature. If you have a park near you, a walk in the woods make do you wonders...even a plant nursery has helped me. Take care and don't give up. You will get through this.

Just saw the other posts. "Getting By" mentioned situational depression. If it is situational depression, you really don't need to be taking anti-depressants. At least, that's how I feel. It's when you are diagnosed with clinical depression...where nothing you do and time passing doesn't seem to help, that anti-depressants may be necessary. Norin, since you are having difficulties at home, it seems that situational depression may what you are facing, and if it was me, I would try other means to work through this. Mustang, I don't believe that all doctors prescribing anti-depressants are doing so because they feel it's the best way to go. Norin may have the symptoms of depression, but does that mean she needs to be on anti-depressants. Don't forget..drugs are big moneymakers and anti-depressants are drugs. It certainly is the easiest way for physicians to treat people, but he question is, do all these people who walk in saying they are depressed really need to be taking them? I think some people who are new to these drugs think that they experience some "high" feeling or something, but that's not the case. There isn't any such physical experience. Anyway, I think the drugs are over-prescribed so I am just putting in my two cents. I appreciate all the feedback from everyone on this site though. This is only the second time I have written. We all have different outlooks, but it's good to see what people have to say so we can make the best decisions for our health.

I myself had a hard time with parents understanding the whole depression thing. And if you look at it from a parents point of view, you can kind of understand why they have a problem with it. As your parents, they feel as if it is their responsibility to care for you and ultimately make you happy and healthy. When their child comes to a point where depression has overcome them, and they have to come and tell their parents, the parents automatically start thinking that it's something that have or have not done that has caused this situation in your life. It makes them feel as if they are "weak" for not keeping their child happy and healthy. They won't really understand until they experience it themselves, but regardless it doesn't mean that they are angry that you are depressed. As far as the anti-depressants go, most of the time people think that they will make you a zombie, controlled by drugs. This is NOT true. I would, however, suggest doing what some suggested first. If it is SAD (situational) then moderate implications and changes in lifestyle can help. Though, I don't want to talk you out of the medications if you truly need them because they do help. A low dosage may not hurt.
Good luck. I hope that seeing these points of view can help you better discuss it with them.

Thank you everyone. You're all very encouraging and I appreciate it to the fullest. I honestly can't seem to get anything through to them however. I tried to talk with them earlier today, but it only turned into a fight.

My mother said some very hurtful things while we argued, and we are now hardly speaking to each other. I know that's not exactly good for me either, and she doesn't seem to really want to listen. My father doesn't either, so I'm still at a cross roads. I've thought of maybe letting them just cool down for a few days then try and bring it up again.

if you still can not find help for yourself, consider another cause of your condition.
My friend had a similar case, Wanda Pratnicka helped her
I think it can help you to read the book Mrs Wanda 'Possessed by Ghosts'

Thank you all. I will keep trying to talk to my parents. They still try to avoid the subject though. So I don't think I'll get them to cave any time soon.