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AM I DEPRESSED? or MAD?! PLEASE HELP ME.....(Lonon, 1am)

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Posted 6/2/2005 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
I wonder if anyone else out there know how I am feeling right now?

Its 1am London time and I am up again.  I seem to get off to sleep ok at bed time most days, but then I wake an hour or so later sometimes, with a strange feeling of mixed scary feelings.  I feel a little sick, and a little shakey, my head is buzzing.

Am I low? am I eating something that is making me buzz or feel weird? is it my hormones?  ( I am 30 only).  Is it something else?  am i ill?  oh.....  I dont know....

I truly try and think rationally, but I cant manage it.  I try to tell myself to sleep and say to myself I am ok, but I cant relax or switch off.  God, its so hard to describe how I feel.  Its a feeling that is so isclolating, I feel so alone.

Only recently Ive been thinking awful thoughts that make me think I am MAD! I am getting so fed up with feeling so crazy that I almost thaink that at least if I were dead all these horrid feelings would be gone.  Then I feel even MORE crazy for thinking about death being an end to thesse feelings!!???  DOES ANY OF THI MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU??

I am really going crazy, or is it normal to sometimes go through periods like this in life??

The mad part is, im really "normal" in everyday life - or should I say that I have almost perfected the act of getting through the day.  People wouldnt really think there was anything wrong to see me or work with me, but secretly Im having bad nights and anxixous feelings all the time.  Im getting really bad headaches every day and I have been feeling dizzy for  almos a year.  every day is cloudy and fuzzy.  oh...its all so hard to descirbe.

I keep crying too.  When I wake in the night i scare myself as I walk around ina daze and cant get a grip.  My husband is loving, but he too drives me a little mad as I cant get him to understand how im feeling.  its hard to explain to someone who is so laid back and relaxed.  For example tonight, I laid there for an hour whilst he slept.  I treid ages to think of happy thoughts and relax and sleep and switch off.  He then awoke and I cried cos I feel so awful and strange and low.  He just said to me to "think happy thoughts and relax" - Like I haveant already been trying that for the last hour!  then he goes back to sleep.  He thinks I can just think "happy" and thats it.  Its not that easy.  

I dont even know why I am not happy!  I have a job, dont have debt, dont have kids yet.  I have had a few probs in th past, ie parents splitting when I was young, abusive partner who once hit me, mum that once had cancer (better now)  - but why am I feling like this now?  I dont know.

I dont know what im feeling right now and so I am scaring myself.  I am finding myself up at 1am, writing this posting on the web.  That makes me feel crazy too!  Shouldnt I be sleeping like the rest of the world?

Can you familiarise with the things I am saying?  If so, please write to me.  I dont want to go mental!  I want to be normal, but dont know where to turn. I dont want to tell the GP really cos he may put me on drugs and make me feel worse.  Maybe he will say im depressed- then how do I deal with that?  Will I be on drugs that MONG ME OUT?

Oh dear....I think I am pretty lost right now.

I look forward to some replies.  Love, Vikki 

Posted 6/2/2005 3:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Vikki,

Don't know if I can be of any help . . . but want you to know that I care. I too go through LONG spells of insomnia. That is the pitts!! I am currently taking a low dose of an antidepressant (amitriptylene) which has REALLY put my sleep back on schedule. I have taken it for about 3 months . . . but it started working the first night. It's been such a blessing to be able to sleep well. I do still wake up a couple times each night . . . but I go back to sleep with no problem.

You are not going mad. But I do think that insomnia is a viscious cycle which perpetuates itself. I would certainly bring this up with your doc. The dizziness is another symptom you should mention as well as the headaches.

He may really be able to help.

A couple suggestions: exercise is a great sleep aid. Try listening to books on tape from the library. That way your brain is busy, but your eyes aren't receiving all that light from the TV. I have really read some great books that way. Alcohol will cause big sleep problems for lots of people. Even a glass of wine before bed can cause you to wake and not be able to go back to sleep.

I hope some of the others have some good suggestions for you.

Blessings!
Posted 6/2/2005 8:21 AM (GMT 0)
Well hello vikki, it is important that you know, and believe one thing. Millions of people a year go through exactly what you have described. YOU are not the ONLY one, I PROMISE (it sure feels that way though, doesnt it.)

Its not the feelings themselves that drive you crazy, so much as it is not knowing there source--right? When you feel like crap after drinking heavily, its not something you brood over because you *know* why you feel that way. Or even something more severe like losing a loved one, its something you can get passed, because you know what it is you need to get passed. But when theres nothing inparticular thats causing you to feel relentlisly, and consistently dizmal; it makes getting over it kind of difficult. How can you fight when you dont even know who or what it is your fighting against?

First, STOP searching for a cause. With anxiety and/or depression often times there isnt any salient reason to feel the way you do. More often than not, hundreds even thousands of life experiences *contribute* to cause what you have described.

You are not going crazy, nor will you. (But again, it often feels like you will.) I, like you a was opposed to taking medication and got better without. The first step in the right direction would be to go to your physician and get a full screening, just to make sure nothing is wrong physically. This will also make you feel better. Second, see a therapist, so you can discuss your problems (this part is vital). You'd be surprised how much progress you can make in such a short period of time (I sure was.)

I usually dont try and give advice but it was as if your post could have been my own. I know *exactly* what it is your going through. For me, just knowing someone else out there understood made me feel better.

This is just another hurdle in the game of life, dont give up.

p.s. its really late at night here and im exausted, so if my post is kind of incoherent plz forgive me.

- Sincerely, Jameson
Posted 6/2/2005 1:51 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Jameson  (and indeed ALL that have take the time to reply to me and help me and offer advice xx)

Thanks SO MUCH for the reply - esp in the lightof the fact that you rarely post advice to others.

Your workd are encourgaing, and indeed, I am at a a loss to find the source of my feelings.  If indeed this is anxiety or depression, I have no idea where it has come from.  I have had a turbulent life - parents splitting, mum having cancer, loosing a baby, moving out at 16 year old, etc - but I seem to wonder why I didnt break down during these harder times?  Why now? - now that things are reletively relaxed in my life at present....??  It so tough isnt it???

I felt awful again this morning, all anxious and tense and dizzy and....weird!  My insides were like all shakey and I i felt really panicky.  I ended up crying all morning for about 3 hours!  Then I went to the Dr and she advised me to try and antidepressent called ESCITALOPRAM, 10mg.  Do you know of this?  Is it safe?  The Dr said it would lift the dark veil off off me and Id see reults in 10-14 days.  I am scared to take pills like these, but I do accept that I NOW NEED HELP!  are these the help that I need???

I then went to my nana and sat there for tow hours and cried to her and spoke to her.  I must admit thatI feel a little better now, but I can feel that the panicky feeling is creeping back in already.......

Posted 6/2/2005 9:18 PM (GMT 0)
You are very welcome vikki, I'm glad my words were helpful. You mentioned how these feelings have surfaced now that your life is finally settleing down and is not so turbulent. The same was true for me, and I have through the years discovered that we are not alone. When I first started seing a therapist about my anxiety/depression and explained how for the first time in my life things were actually going pretty well, she kind of laughed and said, "thats usually when the anxiety hits." Being busy and consumed actually helps with anxiety and depression. You dont have time to brood over things in your head. So dont be confused by this, I know it doesnt make sense but it is very common.

As far as medication goes. If your uncomfortable with the thought of taking medication, then dont, at least in the beginning. Take it slow, experiment with other options first. Re-evaluate your life style. Nutrition can often play a big part: caffeine, alcohol, junk foods, and sugar, are like fuel for depression/ anxiety.Excercise for many proves to be the real wonder drug. It was adding a regimented workout routine into my life that turned things around for me. Swimming, running, lifting weights, all of these things can be just as effective as medication. So give um shot first if you dont like medication. After some time if you still feel crappy, then maybe look to medication. Often times anxiety/depression are genetic, you may have a chemical imbalance. My sister does and *has* to take medication or else she is a wreck. In fact, most of the woman in my family take medication, all for relatively similar symptoms.

But as a said before. Go to your physician and get a full screening and then find a threrapist you like. With him/her you can discuss your options. They will help guide you to the right place. Dont feel like you have to do anything. Its your choice.

-Jameson
Posted 6/2/2005 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Vikki!

I think I understand you very good!
I started feeling like you about 1 year ago, I'm 31 now, so the first time I went to see a doctor, he told me not to worry about 'cause it was a "hormonal thing" and he changed the pill I was taking for something stronger (anti-baby-pill).

After months still feeling like that, waking up in the middle of the night, with that strange and scary "pain in the chest" and crying for I don't know what, and feeling dizy, tired and very down during the day, I decided it was time to go see another doctor. The result wasn't that successfull either, since he said I was only home sick.

I do live far far from home and my family, but by choice and not because I have to, so, was a bit dissapointing again. I almost gave up the search of a "solution" for whatever I had, and still couldn't understand what made me feel so... sad, sensitive, restless, left alone, considering I had (and thanks god still have) a great job, a wonderfull man on my side, lots of loving friends, and the best thing, I was healthy!!! There was really no reason to feel like that, so, what was going on with me??!!!

Anyway, when I almost gave it up, I started to let this feelings out, on my boyfriend and some very close friends, and it was then when my sister told me to go to talk about it with somebody who knows and understands about this situations, so, after convincing myself that I actually "wasn't crazy" and just needed some orientation, agreed on making an appointment with the doc. I'm seeing now.

Off course the result a couple of weeks ago was shocking, to me at least, since everybody else seemed to know that I was "depressed". Wow! what a big step, and how confusing it still is!

I guess I also went because, I almost lost the greatest man I ever met, my boyfriend, who's been very supportive and strong for me. I admit I almost screw things up 'cause I didn't want to accept that there was something wrong with me and tried to blame it on him by thinking or saying "he doesn't understand what I feel"

sorry Vikki, I hope my story doesn't bore you, just wanted to share it with you. Maybe it also helps you to know other people's situations to realize that sometimes it takes time to accept what's wrong with us. and maybe, you'll look faster than me for help and know where to start.

I know is not the end of the world, maybe we're luky and is only something temporarly, but I now admit that it need professional help to get out of the "black hole"

And about the meds... well, I'm also very confused, it feels so scary to depend on them to feel good. That's why I was looking for a natural tretment. Thanks god my doctor agreed today to try first St. John's Wort, so I really hope it works and I can go on with my life, as it used to be...

And for you... I really hope you find yourself back soon, it's taken me long to get there but I finally feel I'm on the right way!

All the best to you, and I also wish you the strength to get out of the darkness, and if you already did many other times, I'm sure you will once again, you just need to reload your batteries!

And yes, people here are very nice, feels good to know we speak the same language!! :)
(ok, I admit my english is not very good, but I hope is good enough to understand and help each other)

a big big bear hug! to you and to all the readers... 'cause you're there!

also slepless somewhere in europe...
sady
Posted 6/3/2005 10:13 AM (GMT 0)

thanks Sady.  again, a alovely response.  i feel for you.  indeed we are all very similar!

and yet a further one from Jameson too. thank you!

i am seeeing Dr today and starting a 10mg antidepressant i think.  some on here have said it changes their lives around and so i may give it a go.  something has to change and QUICK!

i also am seeing a councellor at 1230 (london time).  so I shall see that today brings.

thanks, Vikki x

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