Struggling and Confused

Hi,

I've never done this before and Im desperate to let my feelings out, but the whole honesty thing is very daunting. First of all, I'm a very high achiever, a perfectionist; I recently graduated high school as DUX, but the thing is, no one in my family has gone to University before and only one of my siblings even finished high school. Everyone pins their hope for our family on me, I'm a bragging point; but what they don't understand is that if I fail, that's just more people I'm going to disappoint, they don't understand that I push and I push out of fear of failure. I don't want to let anyone down, Im so scared that I'll just turn out to be a 'one-hit-wonder', never get anywhere special or be anyone important. I can't cope with the idea of not meeting others expectations.

Next come my interpersonal issues. I find it extremely difficult to form a relationship with any person beyond that of friends who chat about meaningless topics. When I find myself become comfortable with a friend, I begin to doubt their commitment to the friendship and inevitably push them away and tell myself I no longer care for them, that way if they cannot hurt me by ending the friendship first. I made the mistake of letting someone in recently, I let her see behind the brickwall and the way she responded cut me like a knife bone deep. I'm still really hurting about the way she spoke about missing her best friend a d about having absolutely no one to confide in while she was away - that's what she said to me after I confessed I was considering suicide. I thought we were close but I guess it was one-sided she hasn't even asked me how I am and its been two months since our conversation.

I also have an incredibly low self-esteem. Im seventeen and Ive never even been close to having a boyfriend; never even been kissed. I absolutely loathe my looks and I feel like I have the voice of a man. I try really hard to speak in a nicer tone but sometimes I forget and shock myself with my own voice.

Here comes the most confusing part though, I'm not even sure of my own sexuality. Im terrified of the idea of being attracted to other girls, but Im not sure whether Im attracted to them sexually or just wish that I could look like they do. The idea of me being a bisexual is revolting (not that I have an issue with homosexuals - don't get me wrong) its just the idea of me being like that.

Finally there comes the guilt. Nothing bad has ever happened in my life - Ive actually been quite blessed. But here I am thinking about taking my own life - feeling like its the only way to end my pain, when others would love to have a family who cares. How can I be so selfish? Anyway I just had to get that off my chest, hopefully things will feel better in the morning.

Hi MissMeg,

Welcome to the forum. You are not alone in this anymore, we are here to help guide you. Trina made a wonderful suggestion with therapy. It is the best place to start. Know that your therapist will use the information that they get from you and try to steer you in the right direction.

Don't worry so much about what your family thinks of your acheivements. You have already passed everybody else and don't have to proove anything else to them. This is all you, you pushed and succeeded by what you have accomplished. Be proud of that. Do what you do for yourself, not for your family. That is a huge burden that you don't really have to carry.

Worry about your sexuality when the time comes. Just be you. Work on your subjects and discover what it is you really want out of life. Take the time to work on this. Like Trina said, journaling... This really helps you.

In life, people with depression do have a hard time opening up and putting it out there. We tend to undermind friendships to keep it simple for ourselves so we don't have to care. Because it often hurts. But in life, everybody goes through this. After awhile it becomes old hat. Not that there is anything wrong with keeping from getting hurt, but we really should go through the hurt because eventually it stops hurting. You learn your boundaries and you learn self preservation. It is all a part of growing and experiencing. You are going to make mistakes, we all do. So let down that shield, experience, love and learn. It is just all a part of life...

Take care, keep posting, know that we care...

Hugs, Karen

I can so relate to you! I was the same way in high school and college and I went through a lot of depression related to that. I'm trying to think what would have helped me back then. I guess what helped me eventually was realizing first of all that I had to live for myself and nobody else. Everybody will have some sort of expectations for you, but what do YOU want out of life? Now that I've written that it seems pretty inadequate advice, but I do know that was at least one lesson I had to learn. To stop worrying about pleasing everybody else and live for myself.

Missmeg, do not give up.

If you do not want to try the family doctor route, they must keep your confidence.

then once you are 18, in University, most of them have a Wellness Center that have therapists you can talk to. An they do not call your parents at this level.

Something to think about.

Peace
Trina