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Posted 2/24/2013 4:38 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, I'm new here and not sure where I really fit in, but here goes...
I was diagnosed with severe situational depression and briefly hospitalized about 15 years ago. Briefly medicated, did a few therapy sessions, and it helped, significantly. In the time since I'd noticed how I have very wild swings in my mood and behavior. I'll go from normal to a complete drowning depressive feeling to crazy periods where I'll go weeks running at hyper speed and sleeping only sporadically. Still it was manageable for me. But over the past 2 or so years( and I'm only seeing this retrospectively, with the help of a few friends) I have been getting worse my moods are darker, I'm not suicidal, think about death, have been just hateful at times to those closest to me and I feel as I've no control or focus. To compound matters, I can, right in the middle of all that, go back to this hyper phase like someone just flicked a switch. Help(?!), I am at a loss anymore.....
Posted 2/24/2013 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
I think its time to seek out a therapist and a psychiatrist. These professionals can help with medication, teaching coping skills, and providing a healthy outlet for your depressed thoughts.
Please don't wait long to do this. Depression can become very serious. It can drag us so far down that we forget what happiness feels like.
Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. We're a very supportive bunch here so feel free to vent, too.
Posted 2/24/2013 6:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, I agree, and I am I just got my insurance squared away and am searching for a doctor in my area on monday morning. Unfortunately, no, its not too late to save myself, but it is ( I fear) too late to save a 5 year relationship I shared with a wonderful woman who put up with me to this point....and looming back over the last 2 years I really have gotten bad. I just wish realization had set in sooner.
Posted 2/24/2013 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
Cx don't look back, stay in the present. See the doctor and get a therapist. You do not know what will happen in the future. Work on your mental health, the rest will take care of itself.

Stay strong
Peace
Trina
Posted 2/24/2013 8:00 PM (GMT 0)
Today took a very quick nosedive....how can ya wake up feeling energetic and even feeling hopeful, and within 2 hours be beaten back down? Today is the anniversary of my mothers passing, which is always a tough day, I was told the relationship is over by my gf, because I am acting so looney, and the car wont start? ***?(pardon the language). Is this the path to rock bottom? I really have never felt so depleted b4. I'm hanging on for now, but I dont know that the day is going to get any more bareable.....I just dont want to self medicate, I've done that route b4 and I know where it leads....
Posted 2/24/2013 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there CxPoet,

This is just bumps in the road. Things will turn around I am sure. Sorry about the girlfriend. If she can't be there for you, maybe she doesn't deserve you. Stay strong. Don't self medicate. I know it is tempting. But try to hang in there a little longer. Tomorrow is a new day...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/24/2013 11:05 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the kind words, they definately dont go unnoticed. I, on top of "my natural state"( what I've called my depression for years), will be riding the break-up roller coaster for a bit, I know that. Truth is, I kind of feel that if she wasnt observant enough to notice me acting as out of control as as I was, I'm inclined to agree with you. Regardless of that though, in some strange way, I like that hurt, it's just different enough to differentiate itself from the normal, daily emptiness and drowning that has been going on for so long. No, the self medicating is not an option, much as I may want that drink, no, not happening. I got myself in a much worse situation b4 because of it. My other form, sex, I understand isjust as bad...so, I am trying to figure that one out as well.

I am, as a friend I wasn't sure I had suggested, just going to take it one day at a time. look for little victories....like how I got my car running today :)
Posted 2/25/2013 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
There will always be rough days but they will get easier to handle. You'll have more good days, too.
As for the gf, if she ran away because she couldn't be supportive of your depression then that is a problem in her character not yours. Depression is often more visible to our loved ones than to us. We may think that we are hiding it well but those that really know us can see it there.
I'm glad your car is running! I have the worst luck with cars. Ours always decides to break down or have tire blow outs when I'm driving somewhere in the middle of nowhere by myself. I think the car just hates me. :P
Posted 2/25/2013 12:35 AM (GMT 0)
Keep posting and keep working on things.

You will make it. We are here for you.

I am really tired tonight, but wanted to post. I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/25/2013 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
The gf, she's an enigma. All of a sudden she comes home from points unknown today....and is civil to me. Truth is, for some reason I felt nothing at all about it. I did slip, had a few shots of vodka, but I also sat down with my guitar and wrote the basic tracks to 4 songs. That occupied me enough to forget about the liquor. I still don't get why my gf just asked if I was sleeping in bed tonight. It's almost as if its all a head game....one I am not in any condition to play.

Post Edited (CxPoet) : 2/25/2013 12:06:06 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/25/2013 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
Then don't play the head game. Tell her very bluntly that you have decided to focus on getting your depression under control. She can either be supportive or leave. I know it sounds harsh but depression is rough enough without someone dragging you down.
I think the idea about selling the weapons is great! You'll have some extra money and that's never bad plus your friend will have some peace of mind. Sounds like a good friend.
Song writing can be an excellent outlet for feelings. Drinking not so much. I'm not going to lecture, you've already said you know it's bad. I do think you should continue with the music.
Posted 2/25/2013 5:12 AM (GMT 0)
I had been diagnosed due to a situation 15 yrs ago with severe situational depression. Years prior to that, in high school, I'd undergone an eval by the school psychologist but I've long since forgotten what she'd said the issue was. I do have some exposure to psychiatric conditions having read my fathers books from college, courses of my own and having dealt with an x-wife diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, and my layman's thoughts are that I may be bipolar. I am also one that firmly believes that someone with much more training than I should diagnose....so until otherwise diagnosed I consider my natural condition as depression.
On the other hand I do suspect myself as a possible bipolar sufferer, although I dont know enough about the classifications to go any further..

Yes, I realize my dip into the Russian pool( vodka) wasn't the smartest move, but it was a moment of weakness. I refuse to be too hard on myself about it. The music, been a part of me for a long time, and lately its been harder to write, I lack the concentration. So....tomorrow I make an appt. with a doctor and take it from there.

The gf....we'll see if she gets past her own issues with my condition(its not like I saw her thru cancer surgery a mini stroke and diabetes over the past 3 years).If not, c'est la vie. I dont have the energy to fight anymore. I need it for myself for once.

Post Edited (CxPoet) : 2/25/2013 12:08:42 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/25/2013 5:34 AM (GMT 0)
I agree about letting a doctor diagnose you. I think people get too caught up in labels and overlook how to fix it. I think you will be surprised how much therapy can help.
I wouldn't tell you to not drink, just be aware of why you are drinking. If you are able to occasionally able to drink with friends then that is great. Just don't let the alcohol make things worse.
Music is a wonderful tool for battling mood disorders. When I'm in a pit with my depression the first thing I do is turn my music up loud and just sing along. It helps me get rid of that bad energy. I think you feel the same way except you actually have musical talent (high school band doesn't count, right).
You've found a great place with great people. We've been where you are and we are here to help even if you just need to vent.
Posted 2/25/2013 6:59 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I made an appt with a doctor for tomorrow morning and we'll see what he says. I plan on monopolizing his time and asking about 6.3 million questions to see if we can get to the root of the problem. Just today I've been all over the place, up, down, in between and in general very worn out. That part...at least I have partial explanation for.....I really havent slept soundly in months......
At least I've been able to maintain some control over the things that come out of my mouth( actually it now goes in journal). But ya know, I actually feel a sense of hope. Like this is the right track.
Posted 2/26/2013 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Well, had my appt. with my primary care today, he afraid that I seem to show the signs of being bipolar and gave me a short list of Psychiatrists to call for an immediate appt. and told me if I couldn't get by Wed. To let him know he would. Honestly, I must be scary for a new primary who basically was being felt out by me to put that much energy and emphasis on it. Long story short, I am off to see the Psychiatrist in about a half hour....
...and truth be told, as relieved as I may be to know what is going on and to be on the track to gaining some control over my life...I am just as scared. I have already seen my x- gf's reaction, which wasn't much, until she rushed out of the room and closed the bedroom door behind her.......

Post Edited (CxPoet) : 2/26/2013 10:08:10 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/26/2013 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry your x-girlfriend reacted that way. Know that it is her, not you. You are taking the right steps in getting help. Good luck with your appointmtent. Let us know how it goes. I am off to an appointment too. With my psyychologist.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/27/2013 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I on some levels agree. Its just hard knowing that she's just another person who said they loved me that I pushed away.
Posted 2/27/2013 3:53 AM (GMT 0)
Sounds like you have gotten a lot of great advice. If you can't concentrate to write your music, then try to just listen. Try to remain active. Keep posting and feel your doctor out to make sure, you feel comfortable. Tell the doctor the truth, so you will get the help you need. worry about you, let the gf go for now. Best of luck and keep posting.
Posted 2/27/2013 6:15 AM (GMT 0)
You guys are all right, I know it. I'm just, as I'd said riding the break-up roller coaster as I'm dealing with this. Honestly, I figure that was meds are prescribed and work into my system, that ride will taper off some. I had a thought that kind of amused me today...I could enjoy any glimmers of my ups for the next week or so...take full advantage of it and get a bit mischievous...lol
On the serious side, it is kind of a huge weight off the perverbial shoulders....until I remember that I've been this way for so long that now I have to figure out who I really am.....

Post Edited (CxPoet) : 2/26/2013 11:21:19 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/27/2013 12:41 PM (GMT 0)
Figuring out who you are will be a natural process. It will happen with time. So don't worry too much about it, just go with the flow and enjoy getting better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/28/2013 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
So, a friend of mine suggested with some ppl from my past that I may have walked away from( and I walked away from a lot over the past 30-some odd years) and see if I can reconnect and make up in some small way for being the lunatic and goof that I may have been. It's actually been a pretty positive experience. It really reaffirms why they were so important to me in the first place. I'm also finding out tho that I'd really spent a lot of time with ppl just like myself over the years.....I guess like attracts like.....

And while my mood is still good today, I want to thank everyone who has been posting and supportive for me. Every one of you are just amazing and beautiful people( and no it's not the hypermania talking.... :)). Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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