Posted 3/8/2013 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Healing Well community!
I seek your advice and thoughts with my relationship, and sorry for the novel length. I have never been close to anyone (that I know of) with anxiety and depression, so this is all new to me. about a month ago, my girlfriend of 6 months asked for some time and space away from me. She has anxiety and had a major depressive episode 2 years ago. I came across this site while trying to educate myself on her illnesses and how to understand what she is experiencing (I pre apologize if I use the wrong terms in describing her anxiety and depression, I'm just learning about these disorders). The break came out of nowhere for me, and she didn't have any explanations as to why, other than a bunch of "I don't knows" and the need to follow a gut feeling. She had admitted to me fairly early into our relationship that she has anxiety and later that she had a major depressed episode after breaking things off with her ex fiance over 2 years ago. She told me of her medication that she takes as well. I totally accepted her for her (and told her that often), but I didn't educate myself on what these were or signs to look for if she started down again. She also sees a therapist once a week and psychiatrist every other month since her episode 2 years ago, and is also taking seroquel and ativan nightly and klonopin as needed. I wouldn't classify her as an alcoholic, but she does drink often. Not to the point of being smashed, but more like 2-4 drinks 5-6 days a week (more on the weekend, less during the week), and I would also be drinking with her. I feel bad for listing her stuff out on here, but maybe it'll provide some insight.
We had such a strong connection and professed our love for each other often. We are (were ?) totally in love with each other, we've met both of each other's families often, and many people in both our families had met each other (my dad came to her parents house for christmas dinner and good time was had by all). We took a couple get aways together. We were even making future plans the day before the needing a break talks. So, it really came as quite a shock to me. Over two nights we met with each other discussing things, as she decided to step away from us. The first week or so I just couldn't come terms on what, why, and how this had happened when we seemed so happy. The heartache was sever and hard to take. It just didn't make sense, until I started looking up info on her illnesses last week. At the time I wasn't aware of symptoms and signs to look for. She didn't specifically say it was her illnesses that are causing her to want some time, but looking back on it now, I believe there were several telling signs that I missed: telling me on several occasions not to leave her (like I would reject her for her disorders), she said she felt close to being out of control, conflict and guilt for needing to have a small bottle of liquor in her room, her feeling that i didn't have boundaries for her, saying she's not who she wants to be, the conflict in her eyes as told me she need some time away, and that night of her leaving me I questioned her love for me and she started hyperventilating / having an anxiety attack while emphasizing to me how much she did love me and that I need to believe that she did. I was so emotionally distraught, these signs (if that's what they were) just didn't click in my head. We didn't fight, she never lashed out at me, called me names, or got angry with me. I don't know how to describe my thoughts of her illnesses before the break, I guess ignorance or lack of awareness… I just wasn't educated on them. And perhaps she thinks I didn't take them seriously enough? Other things in her life are getting turned upside down too before the break- she changed positions at her work and she's not very happy in her new position. Her family situation is ok, but there are problems there as well. Her parents are older and are taking care of her brother who is schizophrenic, so there are issues relating to how he will be taken care of, if they pass. It's good that they are taking the time to plan, but it does add stress to her life. I had a rough few weeks right before she stepped away- serious car breakdown, computer crashed (I work from home often), and having a hard time finding work. I think maybe our relationship was just too much pressure or too much to take on top of this? Or she didn't want her problems to be a burden on me? Is her isolation from me the best way for her to cope?
We've haven't had much contact since the break. about a week and half after the break I sent her a letter where I basically stated my love for her, good memories we shared, things I missed about us, I answered a few of her concerns about starting a family, acknowledging she has things she struggles with, professing the great qualities I see in her, reinforcing that I accept her despite whatever insecurities she may have, and let her know I'll be right here when the time comes. She texted me that she had received it and thought that it was brave, honest, and thoughtful, and that she appreciated that I sent it. She also twice stated that she would write me back but to be patient with her as she needs some time and space before she can, and ends her messages with "xoxo". These messages and the love she professed to have for me, yet still needing time and no contact with me, have me in a state of conflict about what to do now. It's been 3 weeks since those texts with no contact between each other (still no letter from her), and now that I've dug a little deeper into her illnesses and what they can entail, I feel the need to write her another letter asking if this is why she needed to step away, addressing her anxiety and depression, how I still love her, am here for her, and will do my best to support her in anyway that can. I know that I will probably never fully understand what she may be going through, but I want her to know I offer my compassion and unconditional love. Should I send this to her? Or hold off and wait to see if she'll write me back and what it may say?
We're both in our early 30s and have had our share of long term relationships (i've been married before and her being engaged), and I can honestly say I've never connected with someone the way I have with her. So I hope you guys have some advice for me, or even some reassurance that I'm going in the right direction. I'm trying to stay strong for myself, and patient with her and the time she needs. Do I send her the letter specifically addressing her illness? My roommate is one of her good friends from elementary school, should I talk to my roommate about her (don't know if my roommate knows about her illnesses)? Should I get in touch with her parents to see how she is? I have had a good friend that I've been talking to, to help me through this, and I've been journaling my thoughts and feelings, which has also helped a lot, to get things out. But I seek your feedback as another resource and to bounce ideas off of. Thanks for any help, thoughts, or opinions you can share with me.