I feel trapped & don't know where to turn

Hi, my name is tina. I'm new here, so I will give a lil background on myself. It most likely will be long, so please bare with me. Its hard for me to put this out here, so if you read through it all I will greatly appreciate it! I'm 35, a mother of 4 & have been depressed for many years. Tho I have only been diagnosed by a dr in may of 2012. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, into my early childhood. Have always been extremely shy & withdrawn. I have been verbally, emotionally, physically & sexually abused at different times & by different people throughout my life. I was a runaway at age 15 & 16. When I was 16 I stayed with a cousin & my parents enrolled me in an outpatient program at a hospital for mental/behavioral health, but had no one to make me continue with the therapy. Seeing as I was 16, I just didn't want to go. I moved out of my parents home at & moved in with my bf & his family. Thats when I became pregnant & had 2 of my children with him. It was a volital relationship that lasted for about 4 years. I have had problems with school, dropping out at 16. I got my ged tho. I have been married (technically still am, tho I've been seperated since 2007) & had another 2 kids. That was also a bad relatioship. I have seen a therapist & a psychiatrist. Between may & august of 2012. Only had a few sessions but the psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, bipolar & psychotic episodes. She said I have trust & abandonment issues stemming from the abuse that I suffered as a child, teen & adult. Issues with my mother not protecting me, my father abandoning me, my stepfather ruling me with an iron fist, not to mention the physical & sexual abuse. I have tried to deal with all this on my own, which was very hard. There are many blocks of time in my life that I don't remember at all. And what I do remember now haunts me. I had supressed some memories apparently, & it came to the forefront of my mind during my teen years. Which is when I started drinking, smoking weed, running away & became sexually active. I have had problems all my life forming & maintainig healthy relationships. I have been sexually promiscuous, although that is so unlike me. But I still did it. I have lost many a job due to my depression & my mood swings. I have had many mini nervous breakdowns & anxiety attacks while at work. My throat closes up on me, I sweat & cant breathe & just want to turn & run away. I get so embarrassed & just know people are judging me. I have lived in 3 different states in the past 11 years. In the passed 4 or 5 years I have went back & forth between 2 of those states 3 times. My psychiatrist put me on zoloft 50 mg & respiridone .5 in january but has since been readjusted to a higher dosage. I still feel lost & agitated. Sometimes I wish I could be violent, I have been towards certain people in the past. I can't sleep at night & just want to hide in my room during the day. I can't stand going outside. But go crazy being in the house all day long. The only reason I keep fighting to get through this is bc of my daughters. If it wasn't for them I would have given up long ago. My meds r not helping me. But I make myself cope, somewhat. It affects my day to day living. I don't want to shower, cook, clean, nothing. I only cook & clean bc my kids need me to do that. I have lost many jobs. Everytime I have moved from state to state was bc I was so depressed & just wanted to run away. I thought I could out run my problems. I feel lile running right now. Tbis last time, in may, when I finally decided to seek help, I was unemployed. My live in bf left me & my kids with no way to pay rent on the apartment so we ended up getting evicted. His family was very emotionally abusive towards my kids & I, to the point where one night I had the almost undeniable urge to walk across the street & mortally hurt my bf brother. I almost did. I was shaking sweating & crying. I finally snapped out of it as my neighbor was holding me back & decided to take myself to the local ER. I didnt tell them I was feeli g homicidal, I just told them I was depressed & needed help. Thats how I got the referral from my gp for a tberapist & psychiatrist. I have no familial support. When I was evicted from that apartment I had to beg my previous employer (they were an elderly couple & I was their caregiver) to let my kids & I stay there until I could find somewhere else to go. They agreed since the 2 caregivers they had at the time were not good to them. They fired them & I moved in with kids & became their live in caregiver. Which worked out good for them since the husband was terminal & now required full time care. He since has passed. I was very close to him. But did not cry when he died. Not even when I helped them move his dead body onto the gurney to remove him from the home. I am still living her as a full time caregiver for the wife. I would love to get my own place for my little family, but I am not able to. The lady does not pay me the full amount of salary tbat we had originally agreed upon. She only pYs me $500 a month which goes on my phone bill, personal hygiene items & other items my kids need. I am not able to live on my own bc of this. I'm stuck. I'm trapped. I have no way to turn. I am at her beck & call day & night. I don't have time to spend with my kids bc she is lonely & wants me always by her side. I have no life outside of this house. I go to the store to shop for groceries but have to hurry back before she gets agitated. I am the only one she has to take care of her & zhe cannot afford to pay me my full salary so having someone else come in to relieve me every once in a while is not an option. I need to get back to my therapy sessions but cannot leave her unsupervised. How am I supposed to get better if everything is against me getti g better? On top of all that, one of my daughters has ADD & I believe she is bipolar also & another daughter is ADHD & bipolar. I can't even leave this house to take them to the doc to get help for them either. I feel like such a prisoner. I love my kids so much! I need to get help for them, as well as myself. How can I do this? If I didn't live here, I wohld have already quit. It is so emotionally draining! I just want to hide in the corner of my dark closet & stay away from the whole world. What can I do? There is no where else we can stay! No family will help us. I'm afraid I will snap & end up havi g to go to the er again. I CANNOT lose my kids. That I will not survive. They r my reasons for pushing through everyday. A friend of mine says I should apply for disability since this has affected my life so severely for so long. This is not the 1st time I've been so destitute. But the other times I could find a logical way out of my situation. This time I see no way out. Only if the lady passes, but then my kids & I will be broke & homeless. Or if I pass, but then my kids will be alone. And that is not an option. Any suggestions? Anyone? Please help me.

I do receive food stamps & medical, but no cash. I will see if I can find the aging department here for help with volunteers so I can resume my therapy sessions. I guess I'm stressing about the future. My patient is 83 years old with congestive heart failure. Her husband of 56 just passed. It looks to me as shes giving up. With her not paying me correctly, I have no money saved. If she does pass, where does that leave my kids? I appreciate you taking time to give me any suggestions you could think of off the top of your head. I just needed to get some of these feelings out. Thank you.

Thank you, but her husband wasn't 56. They were married for 56 years. Sorry if I wasn't clear on that. He was 91 when he passed this last november. So you still have a long way to go!