Posted 3/28/2013 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
I added the icon that looks like a newspaper, because this post is going to be long, boring and detailed.
I feel like I never really introduced myself on here. I'm the kind of person who's more comfortable in a crowd, or blending into the background. I move around a lot to avoid having an impact on a community. I apply for generic, mundane jobs in hopes that people won't remember me. I don't pursue what I'm interested in, because I won't ever be at the top of my field, and I don't want people to see me fail. I hate who I am and everything about me, so sharing anything even remotely personal or identifying is painful and embarrassing. I know it's selfish, but I want to introduce myself here. To whoever wants to read it.
Hi, my name is Trish and I have depression. I first acknowledged and accepted that I had depression when I was 18, about seven and a half years ago. Since then, I have tried to deal with it in lots of different ways.
2005-2006 school year: Realized I wasn't just depressed, but that I had depression and would probably struggle with it forever. I tried to ignore it anyway. I saw a doctor in the spring, but she diagnosed me with ADHD and gave me Concerta. I aced my finals, but didn't follow through with any doctors because I went home for the summer. I came back to school, but I had a mental breakdown after a week. I unenrolled, and came home to live with my parents. I saw a psychiatrist and started taking anti-depressants. I tried Zoloft, because my mom takes that, but it made me really sick. I tried more drugs than I care to remember. Nothing was helping, and it just felt like I was pumping my body full of poison.
February - May 2007: In an attempt to convince myself I could live without drugs, I ran away to France, where I worked on a farm for a few months. I traveled to Scotland to visit a friend from school. I cried and wallowed the whole time I was there, and returned stateside in short order.
Summer 2007: Escaped to France again, this time with a group of students from the university I was to start attending in September. Met Jacob.
Fall 2007-Summer 2008: Started seeing psychiatrists more regularly, but to no avail. I tried more drugs. I muddled through, I guess. I liked dating Jacob, because he was really depressed too, so I felt less lonely. Anti-depressants weren't helping my depression. I experienced the negative side effects, but saw no improvement in my mood. My psychiatrist wrongly diagnosed me as bipolar, I wasted a lot of time taking Lithium, which just made me feel worse. Then, he abandoned me right after I started to trust him. I had another mental breakdown, but went ahead with plans to study abroad in France for the 2008-2009 school year anyway.
Fall 2008 - Summer 2009: I went to France, and even saw a counselor there because it was free with tuition. I think I even tried French drugs. I can't remember. I came home after the fall semester because I was depressed. I also didn't want to break up with Jacob, who had come to France with me but was graduating in the spring. He broke my heart anyway, graduated, and cut me out of his life. I went back on drugs, couldn't find a psychiatrist really, and tried DBT. I was catatonic and suicidal.
Fall 2009 - Summer 2010: Tried heavier drugs, like Seroquel to sleep. Experimented more with adding Abilify to different things. Nothing worked. I came home one weekend, and called a suicide hotline. The cops showed up, and interrogated me about the pills I was taking. Somehow, I managed to keep my grades pretty decent and graduate from college in 2010. I really wanted to not be depressed anymore, because I could see how much money it was costing my parents.
Fall 2010: A crazy time. Went to the hospital and was wrongly diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. It's a long story, but my symptoms were because I abused laxatives and didn't have the guts to tell anyone the truth. Then I went back to the hospital because of an infection I got from being in the hospital the first time.
February 2011-June 2012: Still depressed, but moved to Seattle anyway. Dated AJ starting in the summer of 2011. Saw Dr. M, and was pretty steady. Started Viibryd, had a job, apartment, boyfriend - things were looking up. Then everything goes fuzzy. I snapped. I spiraled out of control. I couldn't get out of bed, let alone to work, and in short order I ended up in the loony bin. I got a round of ECT, and my dad forced me to come home. The plan was to continue ECT in New York.
Summer - Winter 2012: Couldn't see a psychiatrist in New York for six weeks, but made an appt. with an old man I hated anyway because he could give me drugs. Was told that I couldn't get ECT in New York because I didn't have a psychiatrist there. Realized too late that getting ECT was a huge mistake, and ruined my life. It affected my memory, obviously, and didn't help my depression at all. I was more depressed because I was 3,000 miles away from the man I loved in a prison of my own making. I lived with my parents and cried every night because I wasn't dating AJ and we weren't talking as much. I talked with old man psychiatrist a few times, but it made me feel worse. I missed my independence, my freedom, AJ... it was a really dark time. I got a part-time job, but was pretty miserable.
February 18 2013 - Present: moved back to Seattle with plans to share an apartment with a friend I met abroad. We had kept in touch, but hadn't seen each other in 5 years or stateside ever. It was a crazy gamble that I'm still not sure will work out. Stayed with AJ for ten days. He made me subsidize his rent, and itemized everything. Still not sure how I feel about it. In short order we rekindled our romance, and are now dating. I've been taking the Viibryd, and started birth control (for bad cramps, not because I'm having sex). I'm seeing Dr. M again, and trying to get my life back on track. I sign a lease tomorrow with my roommate Corbett. I am unemployed.
I think that's everything.
I'm on Viibryd, but I can't remember what made me think it was "working" or doing anything. I'm still really depressed. I plan on doing more research about BC, because it'd be really dumb if that was what was making my depression worse. Sorry for the longwinded rambling.
Bottom line: Even if I never feel great, I don't want to keep feeling this bad. I'm trying really hard to take steps to change things. I'm living with someone else, instead of by myself. That's my first step.