Is There Any Help To Be Had?

Hello my name is Michael

I am 43 years old and I am no longer in the greatest state of mind. I find this very hard to explain as there is so much leading up to where I am now. In a nut shell it started when I started dating. All of my relationships from the start have ended with the person i loved cheating on me.

I have fought very hard with dealing with each of my losses. I know no reason as to why I have been treated the way I have. I have never disrespected any of my partners in any way shape or form. I have always been the nice guy if you will, with out explanation I will leave it at that.

All I have ever wanted in life was to settle down and have a family. I have never wanted fame, fortune or glory. Some one who I could share my life with and possibly have a child. Every time I have tried to bring this dream to life it always falls apart. I have tried very hard to be the best person I could be and for the majority of my life I was able to accomplish this.

With out explaining all of my relationships and what it is I have gone through all I can say is that my last relationship was the straw that broke the camels back. It ended 8 months ago and my life has been a living hell ever since. When it ended I felt a great part of me die with the relationship. I sank into a deep state of depression for the first 3 months. Hardly eating, sleeping very little, retracted in on myself, thoughts of suicide you name it. I did go for counseling and I was on medication. I went to counseling for 2 months and felt no better than when I first started going. I was on Paroxetine HCL 20mg and all that did was help me sleep some what.

I felt no help from any of it so I stopped going to counseling and stopped the medication. I am sure I will be told that was the worse thing I could have done. Every one is entitled to their opinion and I respect any one who may comment on this. I can honestly say I felt no relief from my pain, I felt no better about myself and I felt no better about my situation. I could not see spending the money that I was spending for no results.

As fragile as my mind is now I still retain the ability to know what is working and what is not. Since I felt no help I decided to deal with things on my own. I took a step back and rebuilt my life. I replaced all of the material things that were taken and got back on my own feet. I have accomplished the rebuilding of the material aspects.

I no longer have any will what so ever. Nothing makes me happy any more. I have become so bitter and negative. I can see no positive in anything or any one, not to mention myself. I have no faith in myself or my abilities. I feel as though I simply exist. I am honestly tired of living like this and this way. I want help and to be able to help myself but I can see or find no way to accomplish this.

I am tired of being sad all the time and fighting to keep my composure. I am tired of people telling me to just forget about what has happened and move on with my life. If it were that easy for me I would have done so long ago. My life now consists of going to work and coming home and it has been this way now for nearly 6 months. I have no family left and I walked away from most of the people I called friends. I no longer know how to socialize with out being or coming across as negative.

I walk a fine line trying to keep my emotions in check. I cry like a 4 year old when I think about it all now. This small message I have put together is just the tip of the ice berg and it has taken me over 2 hours to compose it. I need hep and I need hep bad. This is why I am here hoping with the remaining hope I have left that some one can understand me and help me to get back to what and who I once was. I do not like what I have become and I honestly fear what my future may hold if I continue to go on the way I am going.

Any and all advice would be most appreciated, any direction that could be given would also be appreciated. I Live in Illinois - a suburb NW of Chicago and that is all I can share for now. Thank you all who may read this.

The Fool

Don't think of yourself as a fool. This happens. I suggest getting back on a different medication than you tried before and get back into counseling. These things take time. The meds can take six to eight weeks to work. So be patient. I hope that things get better for you soon. It sounds like you chose the wrong partners in your relationships. That happens. Not all people are kind and compassionate. And that is what you need. Try to put it behind you and move on to bigger and better things. Only you can do this.

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Michael

I would have to agree and say that it does sound like perhaps you have self-confidence issues and perhaps choose people who take advantage of that. This is not laying blame or finger pointing at you or calling you foolish. This is simply a product of anxiety and depression which you clearly have and have probably had to different degrees for some time now.

I know its irritating to hear this, but meds do take time to take affect, and different meds work differently for different people and some times it can take a few to find the right one. In terms of therapy, 2 months is not that long a time to remedy issues that are as deep seeded as yours seems to be. I myself have been in therapy for over 3 years and am still working on things. Sometimes, we don't recognize improvements for what they are until it suddenly dawns on us that this or that has gotten better. Also I think a common misconception, one I held myself, is that therapy and meds will make us return to who we once were and everything will be back to normal and happiness again. In actuality, depression and anxiety are life-long illnesses, and its about managing them and coping with them when they hit us hard, rather than SNAP and you're better. It sounds like you would possibly benefit from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and I would recommend looking into it if you can.

I wish you the best