Depression hurts

  I have suffered with depression the majority of my life off and on. And once again, I feel myself sinking into its grips again. I have tried meds in the past and I have tried counseling. I know I need to seek counseling again. But I don't have the time. I am always having to take off work bc of my son and his appts. I wouldn't even know where to begin with talking about it.

   I hate the way depression destroys a person and the effects it has on a famiy. My children deserve to be happy. I get through the work day ok. Just when I am home I feel like I bottom out. Mine is mainly bc of dealing with chronic pain. I have hurt for 5 years now. Not a day w/o pain. It gets to me. I want to do things I can no longer do. I want to play with my kids and give them happy memories. I feel trapped inside this messed up body and like I am watching life from the sidelines. I see people happy and I want so much to be. My kids see me cry when it gets the best of me. And I see their faces and how much it hurts them. I just feel hopeless and just here in body taking up space.

   Thank you for letting me vent. I sure apprecite it.

Thank you, Karen. I will check out that site soon. I know the things to do that will help. One thing I ned to do is start journaling agan. That is one thng that used to hep me from time to time. Just getting it out and trying to sort though this, one emotion at a time.
Yes I do know what has caused my pain. I had a laminectomy on my back 4 years ago. It was suposed to be the baby of back surgeries. And I was only to be out of work for 6 weeks. It ended up being 4 months before I went back to work. I ended up with nerve damage from waiting so long to have te surgery. It has been horrible. Now I have alot of scar tissue, arthrtis has set in, the disc space has narrowed. I just always hurt, every minue of every day. The way i has changed my life has contributed a large majority to my depression.
Tired? Yes I am exhausted. I am always so very very tired, with no energy whatsoever. I also had my thyroid removed and am battling keeping my levels right.
My kids are s 8 yr old daughter and a 15 yr old son. It isn't fair to them for me to be ths way. I never want to go anywhere or do anything. They are bored and unhappy. It only makes me feel worse. I try it jut seems hopeless, all of it.

I am in pain management. The meds are better than nothing at all. But still don't get alot of relief from it. I am still working a full time job. So I can't go to the stronger meds right now.
My kids do absolutely nothing to help. My son is the 15 yr old. He remembers the surgery and the agony I have been through since then. You would think he would help me some. He doesn't. Every now and then I can get him to do something, but it is rare.
I work and do everything around the house. That is another thing that realy gets to me. I like cleanliness and everything nice and neat. But I can no longer keep house like I once did. I just can't. The kitchen and living room are usually always clean. But the rest of the house isn't. And it bothers me so much. I am ashamed of myself. Because of my pain and no energy on top of it, things just get pushed aside for another day.
I have tried to think good thoughts as my mom used to say. But it is hard. I am not on a pity pot at all. It's just the reality staring right at me. My pain will get worse over time. I can already notice things about it that have changed over the years. I will have to quit my job and try to get on disablilty at some point. This physical pain has just all but ruined my life. And the depression on top of it. At work I am ok. I love my job and have been there 17 years. But at home, when I can't run and play around with my kids, feel just lifeless, like a shell of a person. My kids need me to be better than what I am. But I just can't...and it hurts me so bad. I never smile or laugh anymore. I feel just empty, hopeless and completely overwhelmed with life and responsbilities.

Karen thank you. I woke up this am and tried to find focus on the good in life, the things I am grateful for. And I did take a xanax shortly after gettng up. I m going to try to stay on top of my anxiety today. I have to. This depession, this anxiety and pain is making me sink into the depths of darkness. I WANT to go to bed and just sleep. I don't want to deal with obligations and responsibilities. But I am alive. I have 2 beautiful healthy children. I have a job that I truly love. And I have a home. We have food to eat. Although I hurt so bad it is unbearable, I can keep moving. I can walk today. I am going to get myself up and work on getting this house cleaned to the best of my ability today. I will get laundry done. And I will cook supper. Prob need to try to get to bed at a decent time tonight and do some praying and some deep soul searching. I have got to crawl my way out of this. My kids need me and I so desprately need them. Depression hurts so much. I hate feeling like this. I keep trying to repeat the positive things I have stated. I keep trying. But I am so tired, so exhausted. And this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, this empty yet heart aching feeling keeps taking over. I have been talking to myself today, saying outloud "Lord, help me. I need you to pull me out of this". Guess that sounds crazy, but it helps some.
Thank you all so much for letting me vent. It does help. There are so may people who feel the same way if not worse than I do.

I spend alot of time thinking about what needs to be done. And at times when I do get busy, end up getting alot of nothings done. Just going from one task to the next and rarely finishing anything. But then so tired at the end of the day, staying busy but just never see anything complete to my standards.
We moved into this house 3 yrs ago. The backyard was beautifully landscaped. Now it looks horrible. So much has died and is just been neglected. I have been working in the beds as I can to get them cleaned out. I really do find enjoyment in doing that. It helps me to actually see results and I usually feel better emotionally afterwards.But then after I end up hurting so bad for days. I need to try to make time doing a little bit everyday. There is no way I can replace all that was lost out there. I will just have to get it little by little.
I have gotten several things done today. And there is alot more to be done. I will do a little more, but have to be careful bc of my back and stop before long.
Again, thank you...