Partner Depression?

Hi I wonder if anyone can offer me an opinion or advice. I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years. We get on extremely well and seem well suited, sharing similar interests, careers etc. about a year after we got together he took off one weekend with just an e mail to say he needed time to think. He turned off his his phone and eventually re appeared a couple of days later. After about a week of discussion by phone e mail and text, he decided he had made a mistake and we got back together. He apologised for hurting me, assurred me he loved me etc. He has since done this three more times but each time now he assures me he no longer loves me and that this is different and we won't get back together. He always appears very stressed but eventually over a period of time comes back down and we try again. the last time I suggested the cyclical nature of this suggests depression and perhaps he could get counselling. He assures me he is over it and didn't know what he wanted. He has just done it again - I am getting all the same e mails and behaviour. We were due to marry in Sept, we had been back together 2.5 years with no warning of this happening again - Help

I think it is depression - which I presume could be treatable?

In theory yes but only if I go with him. He said he would last time but then decidedhe was ok and didn't need it. We have had 2.5 v happy years

Thanks Karen

I have spoken to some people I know that I am not the one to fix it and I told him that last time. As I say he had agreed to see someone when the fog initially lifted but then he could not explain his actions or why he had felt like he had. He said that he had never stopped loving me but only realised that at that moment. Then he said everything was fixed and he didn't need therapy - I never pushed it because I wanted to believe that I guess.

Trina, thanks

We are currently apart but in continuous e mail contact. This happened the last three times too. I have seen some positive signs in the e mails and recognise them from the previous pattern. When it starts he is very black and white and dismissive of me, that hurts. That is thawing now (as per previous pattern).

When he initially told me this time it was when he had walked out on his job and then me (he called from a phone box). It was a short conversation and he told me he was having an affair, I knew that wasn't true, especially the way he came out with it, I chose to ignore it. He since told me (two days later) that he made that up just to press the self destruct button.

That said throughout the process and more markedly this time he holds on to something of our relationship (in this case some symbols of our relationship which are possibly difficult for me to explain here, but needless to say items that are 'us' because that's where they were derived).

In the early days he does not even look the same facially (not sure if that makes sense) but as time has gone on I can see him reverting to self. There is like a fear and confusion in his eyes. All the way through this though I am certain that he loves me - even though he is not saying that.

I am willing to support him and work with him so he/we can be happy, I know I have to convince him he needs help. He is currently sitting on a beach, thinking. I can be strong if I know there is a solution and that he will take it.

I realise if it is depression there is no cure, only management

Hi Trina

At the moment we aren't getting married. It was all cancelled, well at least the registrar was because we needed to see them by May 8th. At present the venue hasn't been cancelled because neither of us has done so. I gave him that task.

Thanks for your comments - these are really useful.

He has today apologised for the pain he has caused me. When he told me he was going to spend the day thinking, I told him that I also had some ideas that he may not have considered. He said any help would be gratefully received - I see this as a step forward.

He has gone from being numb, to being 'without thought' and today he says he feels a deep sense of melancholy but clarifies it and says it is not self pity.

It seems like a process to me

Any thoughts?

Claire