Oh bless you...
It disturbs me to even read your story of your sister and I wish I could hug her... How much more desperate you must feel as her sister!
I have never been through anything as horrific as this, I only have two events that can help me at least slightly to relate to what a girl goes through when oppressed by a man.
When I was a child my parents were a part of evangelical church. I was maybe 9 when I went to their CHRISTIAN summer camp with my brother. There was a cook that we all new as a husband and father of three boys who also attended the camp. It was common practice that the kids were divided into groups, for competition purposes and also for duties in the kitchen and at night which rotated daily.
And so it was my turn to observe the camp for two hours with my friend at night as our group was on duty. about
half way through our duty, all adult leaders left on the boat. The cook stayed, however. He was very vile and he dragged me and my friend to the toilet outside the camp hoping nobody would know. I didn't really understand what was happening then, especially when one of the leaders suddenly appeared from the bushes, yelling hysterically at him to let us go. Only later I found out he has previously been charged with paedophile attempts and that most of the leaders knew, however decided to give him a chance since they were all 'Christians'.
I mean, to this day I don't quite understand how you can make a paedophile a cook at children's summer camp...
Many years later I had a job as an administrator in one company in London. In our branch I worked night shifts with my friend and we were part of the team of managers, overseeing all works on certain lines of the London underground.
At new years eve we all went to a party organized by our company. We stayed in a hotel and later we all went into our rooms. One of my managers was always on my case at work, not quite understanding that I had no desire to get involved with him. That night came into my room hoping I would appreciate his company. Obviously I didn't and we physically fought until he finally f... off from my room.
I reported this to my managers and guess what - 'yes dear, we will look into it'. Yet, nothing happened!!! Most of the managers did little favours to each other and so nobody wanted to report anybody because they all did wrong (sleeping on their shifts, not doing their work...).
I felt so let down I left my job within days. I was 20 and never reported this to the police because I didn't think they would believe me.
It is quite helpless when something like this happens and people challenge your pain. Fortunately, none of my experiences ended very badly, your sisters situation is much more horrible. But being close to something like this happening maybe gave me an idea of what your sister feels.
I guess what I am trying to share is that she probably has an eruption of emotions inside her. And probably for a while... She might feel humiliated and ashamed, in pain, isolated and scared, lonely, angry that people don't understand and question her pain, that this has happened to her... It is very good that you stand by her and that you kicked that guys a** with the law. Support is very good for her. It is important that she sees you standing by her side and don't doubt that she went through a horrific thing that should have never happened. This will help her to see that in your case she doesn't need to convince you about
what she says and that you acknowledge her feelings and the damage she has suffered.
People are different, some try to forget, some desperately need to talk... I cannot tell which is your sister's case. At this age she is very vulnerable and it will take time for her to accept everything that happened. But she needs to know that the shame is by no means hers, it is all that man's that I don't even want to call an uncle (i don't even have a swear word!). She is aware that since certain point you will never see her in the same light. And unfortunately she is not the same anymore, but what happened is not the only thing to her! She is still a beautiful young girl and there are people like yourself that count on her, stick with her, find her PURE and significant and will fight hard for her if necessary. She is very precious and has enormous value despite of that man's actions. She is not a burden.
It is nice to hear this from the therapist but in the end, that is still a stranger who's job is to listen. Perhaps she would appreciate to hear this from yourself or somebody very close to her? I think you should not be scared to touch on the fact that you fear that she will succeed with her attempts. Tell her that you need her, that your child needs an auntie for the happy times coming, that she is important for your life and life of those that believe in her. This helped me when I made an attempt.. My partner sat down with me and explained how worried he feels that I will leave him. His
openness was very moving for me. I was told we are not allowed to discuss suicide on here so I won't say more, but just to give you an idea...
Give her as much time as she needs, ask her what it is that she would like to see happening... What it is she is missing... If she is so desperate that she even touches her life, she has some concerns. If she doesn't want to talk, don't pressure her. It's okay. She will find her way.
You are seeking all help possible, you have done very very well so far. It is a lot for all of you to take in and it is not easy. Make sure you take care of yourself too, you are pregnant, you need love and your sleep!
Wow, what a speech, sorry! x I am no expert, I just hope some of what I shared makes sense and could be of some help to you.
I'm thinking of you.
Post Edited (JARA Cimrman) : 5/14/2013 4:53:12 PM (GMT-6)