Can't ever seem to get a break, rough week, hard to cope:

Hello Members,

Trying to keep it together but more and more keeps happening to pull me down. The passing of three close friends in just three months. Brings up the passing of my dad a couple years back. Then this week had discouraging labs concerning my chronic illness. Seems like I live my life in the doc's office, therapist, or getting procedures. Plans to buy a house are falling through. Most friends, don't want to hear your woes so I have stopped telling them. Save it up for my therapist. My significant other and I broke up recently because of trust issues mostly brought on by my depression. My touchstone. Medication issues. Lot's to sort out.

I realize there is no real answer, but venting helps me. This forum has given me some tools to use to get through the day. One day at a time. Really want to get back to the gym but no energy. Zapped. My therapist is concerned, asked me if I had a gun. Guess she feels I'm suicidal. Have thoughts of it, but don't think I have the guts to follow through even though I long for peace and just being able to relax, not worry any more.

My therapist feels I may need to change my antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications, or add to them. But also she feels my depression is due to a waterfall of negative circumstances in my life. I guess I need to see a Psychiatrist and have my meds evaluated.

I keep thinking when my mom was depressed for three years. As I mentioned in another post, she was so depressed she was institutionalized. Also suicidal. I'll never forget that whole episode in her life. No one understood her, except her therapist and doctor, my dad practically left her. I felt so bad for her. And she was strung out on so many meds she sometimes acted like a zombie. It scared me because I loved her so but didn't know what to do. Finally, with the right Psychiatrist and the right meds, they discovered the trigger of her depression which was her mother. Some underlying dysfunction buried in her brain she could never tap. Once she knew the trigger she was fine. I was so relieved to see my mom back to being mom. Now I feel I may be going down the same path.

So many variables, so few answers.

I'm sorry to be a downer, but going through a bad patch due to circumstance, medications, health, memories. Just wish I could isolate a trigger if there is such a thing. Just knowing you are all here makes me feel better. I really want to get better but something inside me won't let me.

Again sorry for the woe is me attitude. I don't feel sorry for myself, just concerned and know not what to do.

Thanks for the listen,

Best,

Jeff

Jeff,

Loosing a parent you are close to takes years to overcome; plus loosing 3 close friends in such a short amount of time!?. Please! Anyone would be feeling their mortality like you are.

You did not say, but I have a gut feeling that at least 1 of your friends passed from a chronic illness which makes it even closer to home for you.

We are not allowed to talk about suicide here so I can not comment on that for you. Just be honest with your therapist have how you feel, they won't lock you up I promise. Journaling helps too.

I don't think it is that your friends do not care anymore, they are most likely just overwhelm with the sadness in your life and are looking for light right now, which is not such a bad idea for you either! Go to the beach or the mountains or meadows, which ever speaks to you and spend sometime soaking in the positive.

Jeff, know that you can post here anytime you want and vent. We will listen and support you the best we can. Also there is a "Resource" thread at the top of the Depression forum. Take some time and browse through the 4 pages, there are crisis number; BUT also coping skills and book suggestions that may interest you.

Peace and strength.
Trina