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Feeling very empty and numb too much

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Posted 6/12/2013 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
Too many things are happening at once or one after the other. First the getting kicked out by mother at 15, still don't understand why and im 28! Always struggling financially, bullied at work by a psychologist, lost all trust in professionals now, my partner isn't satisfied when needed, my sex drive is non-existent, Just moved into a new apartment and my landlord is there everyday snooping around the property, cant find the security in life I want or need. I cant buy a house because of my savings and credit rating isn't the best, Wish I could buy a home and live there permantely as I don't feel stable renting anymore. I was living in an apartment for the past 8 years almost and the owner decided they want to sell and I had to move out, so I lost my safe stable home. Want to get married and have children but partner is always dwelling on the past and I don't really understand why he stays with me, as I have no good qualities about me. Sick of living a life with a distant family and no friends. All I do is work my 50 hour week come home and fall asleep, my body is constantly tired and feel like waking up anymore.

If I could stay home with just me and my cat all day and be left alone I would be fine. No bills, no crapty family, no non-extent friends, no bullying, no boyfriend that I don't make happy, just me and my little guy because he doesn't complain when I do something slightly wrong or he disagrees with, all he does is talk to me and cuddles. I think I would be better of out of everyone's lives.

Posted 6/12/2013 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Carl,

Thanks for that little story brought a smile to my face as I was reading.

My little one is the most precious thing ever to me, I wish I could be a crazy cat lady alone in a little cottage, away from the world.

I don't know why I was brought into the world as I serve no purpose here at all. How come the little people that stand back in life and let life pass by quietly get so much hate thrown their way. Its not a fair life and I know there are many more people worse off than me, but I still don't want to be here.

 

Posted 6/12/2013 2:58 AM (GMT 0)
I will :)
Posted 6/12/2013 9:21 AM (GMT 0)
Good morning Mon1009,

And welcome to the forum. The best I can say is to take life one day at a time and try to live in the moment. Try to appreciate the little things in life. It really helps. I keep my life simple. I am like you a lot of times. Don't know my purpose, and I am 54. But I do know we are all here for a reason. Carl is right about that. It just takes time to find it.

I am glad you have your kittie. I am a dog person. I spend my days with my dog. I love her very much. She keeps me going. Right now as I type, she is under my desk with her head on my foot. Sweet heart...

We walk every day. It is good for both of us.

Take care and keep posting. It does help.

Have a wonderful day today.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/12/2013 10:37 AM (GMT 0)
Goodmorning Mon.

I understand how you feel, I have 3 dogs and they are my refuge, all that unconditional love. That is what we want in our lives, bottom line!

People just can not give that to us, they are not capable of it. Even the best of them slip once and awhile. So we have to practice Radical Acceptance on the world around us, change the things we can;when we can and accept the rest. Very hard thing to do.

A positive person, like yourself; For you must have a positive core or your co-works and landlord would not bother you so much; among negative hurtful people is a purpose all its own. Think of the pebble in the still pond and the ripple effect when thrown in. You may never see the effect you daily prescence brings, however I am betting is it a positive influence on many.

We were never promised to KNOW our purpose, we were only promised that we have one.

AV, just writing this to you is helping me, for you are not the only one struggling with grounding themselves in their "purpose in life". So thank you for the clarity I needed this, this morning.

Peace and Grace
Trina
Posted 6/12/2013 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning Karen and Trina, thank you for your messages they help.
I like my simple life its safe for me. Everyday seems to be a struggle though, more now than ever, I always feel like im doing something wrong no matter what. I don't know if that is just my thinking or I am actually doing something wrong on a constant. When I walk around like on the way to and from work, I see people looking at me and I hate it, I don't really feel like im apart of this world right now.
Too many people are worse off than me though, so I never really liked complaining about myself, this is really the first time that I am.
Ill keep pushing forward because I have to. Im doing it for my kitty and partner, but I still don't want to be here.
Posted 6/13/2013 12:27 AM (GMT 0)
I like my life simple too. It is so much less complicated. I understand the struggle. We all do. It really stinks. I think you are thinking that you are doing something wrong when you are not. We get that way when we are depressed. And it seems that any thing that can go wrong, will go wrong. I often feel like I am off kilter. Don't worry about people looking at you. Often people stare and don't even know what they are looking at. I know how you feel about not fitting in. Not being a part of the world. I use to hate the world, and all the people in it, but I don't anymore. It is easy to get feeling that way though. But know most people are going through the same thing as you. I feel anyway... You will feel better. And I hope you get to feeling better soon. Keep posting. It helps.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/13/2013 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
I want to go home and cuddle my kitty all day and night.

You can just call me Mon, don't want you to think your ordering from sears either ;)

Posted 6/14/2013 12:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Carl,

hahaha you can call me Nikki then, my dad has called me that since I was a baby.

At work im always bright and happy, don't want other people to know how im really feeling inside. I prefer to hide my emotions to the outside world, to people I don't know.
Keeping busy I prefer as it keeps my mind busy, I have a busy job but at times through the day I have the 10 minutes where all the bad thoughts come back into my head again.
I think at the moment I have so many things going on and I have to do outside of work, that's bringing me down a bit. Im keeping my head above water today thankfully :)
Im anxious about tomorrow. I have the new landlord of my apartment coming for an inspection to check if my cat has damaged anything and wants to see where he goes to the toilet, Thankfully my gorgeous kitty is fully toilet trained! Its only two weeks tomorrow that I have been in the new place and already an inspection! Im anxious that this will happen on a constant, the landlord invading my 'home'.
Posted 6/14/2013 5:09 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Carl,

That's funny, i'm proud of your wife too!

Every morning i've set traps at the front door too but nothing has happened with them yet. Which is positive for now.

My new landlord just shows up without notification and if your not there he will sit in the driveway for 4 hours waiting and snooping, like he did last week.

Ill just hopefully get through the next 12 months and try and move into a house where I can hopefully have more privacy. The real estate said I was the best tenant they have come across in a while at my age. Im always two weeks in advance with my rent for my own piece of mind.

Now I have to try and fix the distance that has become between myself and my partner. Its worrying that he is drifting away from me it. He has admitted to me that it doesn't matter if we don't sleep together anymore, then the other night he was asking me all of these questions about if he cheated on me what would I do. I love this guy to bits but I don't think he has that attraction for me anymore either. Everything I do gets him angry or annoyed, there has not been a day yet that I have made him angry or annoyed at something I have done or said and it hasn't been the way he wanted me to do it. Small example, last night I was picking up some dinner for the two of us and the old man behind the counter was chatty to the both of us and he said oh you live in the apartments near the shops eh! and I replied yes. My partner was the one that said we are in an apartment and there are not many close by so he was putting two and two together, well when we left my partner got angry at me and said 'what you want everyone to know where you live'. He gets angry if I give too much information even if its a conversation with family.

I says that he wants to stay with me and that we would have had kids and marriage by now if it weren't for me. He also said today not long ago that sex between the two of us isn't passionate its like casual now. Its confusing because most days he is a saint and the perfect partner to me but then there are days that he can be really nasty. I don't think he realises that all of those words stay with me and rips me apart everyday. I don't want to leave him I just want to fix things permantly.

Kitty's name is Dizzy Bear :)

Post Edited (Mon1009) : 6/14/2013 1:32:13 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/16/2013 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Morning Carl,
Hope you had a great weekend away :)

Inspection went crap! They hate animals I could just tell. They weren't worried about him scratching the carpets they were worried that if he was sick on the carpets, I said a million times that I would pay for all damages that were caused. They still didn't want my cat there. I spoke with my partner (of 4 years) and he agreed that in the meantime we will just hide dizzy bear while I am not home and change the front door lock to prevent the landlord entering when im not there, and save some more money and then break the lease to find another place.

This morning woke up and had a melt down trying to get ready for work, not good today, I just want to give up on everything!

crap family with no support and no friends. Its only myself my partner and dizzy bear, they are all I have and I cant loose either one, so im fighting everyday.

Handed the keys into my old apartment on Saturday afternoon and I broke down in the real estate with silent tears running down my cheeks as I was signing the final paperwork, it sucks!

My Dizzy bear is all white with blue eyes and pink ears and noes, cutest little guy ever!
Posted 6/17/2013 11:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mon,

I am sorry about your situation. I hope you can find another place with Dizzy bear. Sounds very pretty. I like cats. Especially the big ones...

I couldn't give my dog up so I know just how you feel. I hope you can get away with hiding him until you find a place that will allow him. I know how hard it is when you love your pets.

Keep hanging in there. You will get through this. It just takes time.

Have a good day...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/20/2013 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen and Carl,
Ill get away with hiding Dizzy bear, we have now changed the locks :) So im feeling a bit better about that, knowing they cant just walk into my place while im not there, im sure they were before when I wasn't home, otherwise they wouldn't have seen my dizzy.
No time off until end of the year for Christmas and new years, ill try and take two weeks off if my work closes. But there is no one to cover me if I go on leave, im the only one! It sucks, long hours, no holidays, makes for a very long and exhausting year!
To break the lease it is very costly! its 6 weeks rent and a $660.00 fee for advertising plus rent until they have found a new tenant to rent the place. So could be very expensive if they choose to take their time, for now we are putting money away and taking it day at a time, hopefully the next 12 months they will leave me alone and enjoy the money I am giving them each week. Once my lease is coming to an end hopefully by then we have purchased a place of our own and we will move straight in there, no one can invade our place uninvited then!
Glad you had a good trip Carl :) how exciting taking Baloo along with you for the next one, im sure he'll love it.
Posted 6/20/2013 2:05 AM (GMT 0)
Mon1009... just one thing to mention RE your partner...

There is a saying... when you keep a cow, you get free milk... That's what most guys are about. All they want is milk.
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