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How can I get over this

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Posted 7/28/2013 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
My depression was diagnosed when I went to the dr after I was sent home from work following me walking around aimlessly crying. Never felt so ill, thought I needed to be put in a padded cell. This all started as far as I know because my husband is in the same age group as my mom and dad, which never bothered me until I had the realisation that I could loose them all very close together and because I have no brothers and sisters or children, I would be left on this planet all on my own.
The thoughts I had we're disturbing, I worried that I was going to kill myself as I had no control of my thoughts, worried I'd kill my husband, I looked at old people and thought to myself why are they bothering to leave the house, what's the point, they'll be dead soon. My thoughts were all to do with death. I couldn't physically talk, I'd be so engrossed in my thoughts. The only thing I could do was cry, and I mean cry, like a child does when they can't get their own way, it was a release for a few seconds. There was one point where my husband forced me out to the shop, he snapped at me because I wouldn't talk, which made me collapse on the ground and burst into tears. It was a horrendous time about 7 years ago and things only got better from the citalopram I was put on along with the counciling. But even thou I'm much much better, I can't loose the thoughts, death is still everywhere, I cant watch murder dramas on the tv, i cant go to funerals and I still can't get over the issue that everyone is going to die, it takes over my life, to the point where I don't want to get close to anyone, I have no friends anymore, it really is just me, hubby and mom and dad. Just don't know how to loose the thoughts, help if you can.
Posted 7/28/2013 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Charski:

   I went thru a period 15 to 18-years ago - where my Step-Father (who raised me) passed 18-years ago, then my closest Uncle (and God-Father) 17-years ago, then my Aunt (closest living) 16-years ago, then my dear Sir Charles (65-pound poodle) that same year, and then my natural Father (who I was pretty close with) 15-years ago.

   When my Step-Father passed, my little business was having a bad year, and my ex-wife was giving me fits with my kids (not child-support related). It was the first time I sought a Psychologist. I found it was one of the best decisions I had ever made in my life. One of my biggest problems was NOT living my daily life. I was always into the future ... actually, I think my whole life!

   For a rocky relationship I was in for 7-years, about 6-years ago, I went to see another counselor - or I should say we went to! The counselor was not so good ... and my partner really didn't buy into going to a counselor, so that had no chance. And then recently, I have been to a Psychologist who specializes in dealing with terminal diseases.

   I saw him twice last year. I need to see him again at least once or twice soon. BUT .... there is a difference. I don't know why, maybe a near death experience with a 911 call in January of 2011 ... but, I live ... and it's day by day. I plan very little for the future - partly because my business was shut-down in February of 2011, and mostly because I am cherishing the very smallest things in life.

    I really feel good when the sun is shining. A light gentle rain is OK too. One of my most memorable experiences in the past few months was when driving with my dog (we do this daily) - I had to come to a stop because there was a mother Mallard Duck walking across the road with (had to be) about 10-little tiny ducklings behind her - walking in file. It was beautiful ... not the least bit earth-shattering ... it would never be on the news - but it was one of the shear beauties of life.

   Bottom line ... I don't want to miss these little things in life - that we usually take for granted. Life is too precious to not focus on it daily - and in a positive way, if at all possible. Grieving is necessary ... when it's needed - but not a life of grieving!

   I have an advanced stage of Prostate Cancer myself, and I find myself hopelessly crying with some movies - including happy crying. I am on medications that physically promote emotions ... and ... that's what it is! I've rambled a little here, but try to focus on some of the simpler things in life - and of course, a GOOD psychologist can help you work wonders.

Best to you

Posted 7/28/2013 3:33 PM (GMT 0)
The thought of dying, is that much more reason to live. Life is short, the older you get, the faster it goes by.

Though we can't discuss religion here, have you thouht about talking to somebody spiritial? Or going to church?

I worry more about getting old than I do dying. But I think the best thing you can do is make the most of life in the here and now. Cherrish everyday.

My first husband died of lung cancer. He was 18 years older than me. My husband now is 16 years older. Sure I do think about the future, but I try to avoid thinking about it. I try to appreciate each day that I have with him. Learn to live in the present. Try not to worry about the "what ifs". You never know what is going to happen tomorrow. So take in what you can today.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you stick around and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/28/2013 11:08 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for taking the time out in your days both, it means a lot that people care even when you don't know that person. I am going to try so hard to think for now and not the future. I will look into the psychologist.
Gizzy'n me - you are a inspiration, your 'rambling' as you put it makes complete sense. Thankyou. So sorry to hear about your cancer, best to you too.
Getting by - I agree about the getting old bit, I'm not scared of dying, just everyone around me, but I'm going to work on that so hard, I want to enjoy my time with my husband and create happy memories. Thankyou. Hugs back to you too.
Posted 7/29/2013 12:43 AM (GMT 0)
That is really all we can do. Stay in the present. And make the most out of each and every day.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen...
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