Gizzy and Me .... #2

   Hope Jazzy is doing well. It's been a busy week-end for me until now, but it's time to relax a bit this afternoon. I had a meeting with my Oncologist on Friday - and told him I did not want to go thru the Provenge treatment.

   So he, more or less, agreed with me and sent a nurse in to schedule my next series of chemo treatments beginning next Friday already! I have mixed feelings about it! I'm beginning to get a little disgusted with the whole series of shots, blood draws, chemo treatments, side effects and the unknown!

   It was good timing for me to see my psychologist the next day. So Saturday morning, I went to the hospital for my weekly dressing change on the nefrostomy tube. Then my daughter came over tomy house so we could ride together over to the Home where my Mother is at. It was her birthday, so we spent a little time there, and ate at the facility, and then I went over to my Psychologists meeting at 2:30pm ... and with my daughter.

   It worked out that way ... and I'm kind of glad it did. So my daughter was able to meet my psychologist and sit thru the session. The session was focused on "I'm losing my motivation - and what to do about it"! Maybe, just maybe, my daughter did realize how serious everything has become. She needs to. I need her to.

   I asked my psychologist if it might be time for me to do some kind of medication for my depression. I never have been on meds for that in my life before. He made some suggestions and gave me his personal e-mail address and telphone # in case I needed to talk. I told him I was seeing my Primary doctor on Tuesday, so my Primary could make the prescription.

   It was a good session - but, of course, I couldn't talk at all about my oldest daughter with my youngest being there. I'll never put her in the middle of anything ... or make her chose one person over another. So the session was a little guarded in my revealing things, and the psychologist realized it right away.

   Oh yeah ........ just for fun ...... but true ......... he has a personal pet dog that's also been trained as a companion dog that has been used to keep some people company when they're going thru chemo treatments (about a three hour ordeal) ... pretty cool!!!! And strange for the breed type ... it's a mix between a pug and beagle. I saw a picture and the coliringis just like a pug - but it has a longer snout and doesn't have the breathing problems that all short nose dogs have - like the bulldog or pug!

   Well ....... that's my story of my week-end ... except for a big game for the Bears against the Steelers tonight. Hope the weather up by you is as pleasant as it is here. I should put on a jacket and take Giz out onto the front stoop and have a seat out there for some fresh air!!!

   Have a good week-end ... as they say ... whatever's left of it!

Rob and Gizzy

   I just thought this morning that I probably should call my Oncologists office to make sure the medication for depression is not going to interfere with the chemo that's supposed to start this Friday. I'm finally going to get a haircut in a couple of days. I've had two haircuts in a year!!!

   I used to have very thick hair (until 16-months ago) and the intervenous chemo I had from August-2012 to April-2013 took about 60% of my hair away - maybe a little more. It started slowly growing back in May and now is kind of thick around the ears but hasn't grown long on top - just thicker. It really does work to get a short haircut just before the chemo starts, so that when the hair starts falling out, it's not as devastating! Just one of those tricks that works!!!

   Have you had a hard freeze yet up by you? Last night was the coldest night here for a long time at or in the mid-40's! I saw where you said the leaves were turning colors. They haven't here yet but it should be very soon. Somehow ....... I need to figure out how to stop Gizzy this Winter from eating the snow when he goes out.

   I mean, when there is a foot or two of snow on the grass, he just goes there to eat snow ... forgets he's supposed to pee out there. At least this Summer, I have gotten him into the habit of going to pee in the grass close to the garage door or front door. And he seems comfortable to go to another area farther from the house to poop ... and he's doing this all the time now. Soooo .... maybe .... he has a better habit this year than last year.

   about my daughter, my youngest daughter that is, she has always been very respectful of my Mother ... and actually she has feelings for her. So that daughter does go with me about every other month to visit grandma. She is though, kind of living in a bubble, not getting too close to us older folks ... or I should say to the problems of us older folks.

   That's probably very typical of her age and her never having to take on the responsibility of a family. But my oldest daughter does have a family with two girls of her own - and a husband and a house and a job. She has had those responsibilities ... but things happened about 20-years ago, that was my Mothers fault actually, that separated the family at least to some degree.

   In the past year especially, I have seen my oldest daughter pull away from me. She never calls me. When I call her, she often doesn't have the time or desire to talk. I think ..... she is reacting to my terminal diseases ..... by dis-associating with me, she doesn't have to think about it. I went over that with my psychologist last year - and he thought that was very possible.

   While my two daughters are quite different, I believe they both have difficulties in facing the reality of losing someone close. And I think I'm still close to both of them. My youngest daughter just doesn't talk about it ... while my oldest daughter walks away from it totally.

   My hope was, with my youngest daughter being with me at the psychologist Saturday, it might at least give her some idea of "my concern about my demise" ... because frankly, she rarely asks me anything about what's happening and never asks how I really feel. It really has made me feel empty inside.

   I don't expect either of them to be like nurses for me ... just take me seriously ... I'm on borrowed time!

   You see ... here again ... I'de swear Gizzy knows. He is so nice to me at times ... and so close. He is precious to me.

   Well ....... my hormone therapy shot is kicking in .... and not too much kleenex near the computer.

P.S. ..... today - this afternoon - I go see this person at the Wellness Place for the first time. I think he's a Sociologist trained in dealing with people with cancer. Kind of looking forward to it!

   Hope you and Jazzy get a windless day ... so you both can get a good walk!

Rob and Giz

   While I agree with you, that people need to eventually face things in life that are unpleasant - and deal with them. But ... sometimes they just don't do it. Let's face it ... there is an old saying regarding seeing a therapist something like "those that need it the most refuse to accept they have a problem"!

   I have been somewhat surrounded by that, since I'm the only one in my family that has ever seen a therapist ... and I saw three different ones for three different reasons at different times in my life. My Mother still has not accepted the death of my Step-Father and that was over 18-years ago. She never will ... she now has dementia.

   I remember so well, over 25-years ago, sitting at the Dining Room table with my wife after coming home from work. We were getting into it a little, I took out the telephone directory and looked up marriage councelers and found one within 10-miles of us ... pointed it out to my wife ... and she said "of course, it's a man"! I then asked her to please pick one youself. Her reply was "no, you go ... your the one who needs one"!

   My daughters may be a little like that - the older one much more so. One thing they do though is to keep everything to themselves. They will not ever tell me how they feel about anything of importance. It must be kept a secret ... just like mamma did! I do genuinely get pissed whenever I hear some people say "I don't need to go see a therapist - there's nothing wrong with me"!

   Unfortunately, I have had too much experience too close to me - to expect that someone (like my daughters) will face things eventually. That is, at least while I'm alive! I have stronger hopes for my youngest one, but I will watch my Mother die never accepting her husbands death as reality. And I did watch my ex-wife make enemies of both of her parents and both sisters and her brother - because of her inability to face reality and understand that some things were actually her fault and that she does need to compromise with other humans in life. By the way, she has three lap dogs and lives alone. Does that tell you something? 

   What am I saying ........ I live alone ..... that is, Gizzy and me! Oh well, he's not one of three 8-pound Maltese!

   Stop that ex-wife bashing Robert!!!!!!!

   And about my daughters ..... no matter what .... I'll always love them. My youngest and I do have a pretty good relationship and always have been pretty close. She's a great kid - just is not sure how much info she wants to get about my medical problems.

   Well, it's another one of those bright sunny days out ... about 57 degrees at 8am. Oh yeah .... yesterday when I went to get Giz some dog food, I couldn't help but pick-up another green squeaky ball. Don't know what he did with the other one - too big for him to eat. But last night .... guess what he was doing? My arm got tired of throwing the ball. Oh well ... beats him eating a plastic tray or swallowing kleenex or any of those other good things he does.

   Have a good one ......... hope Jazzy shakes the bad leg or paw.

Rob and Giz

   Over the week-end, I got into an old computer program of mine - one that I used for personal scheduling of my time - when I was in business for myself. I checked and saw that April of 2012 was the last time I used it, so it took a little time to get used to it again ... but I think this is going to be a very good thing to help get me out of this "funk" of wasting time - that I've been in.

   I used this program, at times modified by me, for over 15-years and it worked well for me as .... reminders of what's coming up and helping me to determine priorities .... usually looking ahead by 3-weeks and updating weekly. Since my newest chemo treatments will be every three weeks, it should work well - so basically, I plan all other things around my chemo - then my Wellness Center - then my medical appointments.

   I did get a call this morning from my old nurse at the Wellness Center. And even though my application mailed to them hasn't gotten there yet, she said let's go ahead and re-start the program. So ... I'm back in as of Wednesday ..... yay!!!

   I'll have to do the 6-minute walk on their track - only about a 1/4-mile with heart monitoring and blood/oxygen monitoring equipment on - to establish a starting point. Mainly, they check to see if you need additional oxygen to breath at a certain rate ... and if you flunk it, you have to get set up with an oxygen tank for excercising ... yuk - yuk!!!!!!

   And later today ...... I see my psychologist again. This time, I want to talk to him about my kids ..... and my relationship with them. That's been something I've been wanting to do since last year.

   And later yet today ..... I'm going to start a thread on the Prostate Cancer Forum on the chemo I started last Friday. There isn't much information about that chemo called Jevtana on that site .... and some people would appreciate reading about the side effects and PSA issues about this chemo - at least as to how it's affecting me. I know when I was looking for that info two weeks ago, I could find very little about it. Others will, in the future, be considering that option ... so it should be of some help to others.

   Sense of purpose ................ I feel great when I feel I have one - so the above is very much for me and my well-being .... not just for others.

   Well ..... hope you have a good day. I'de like to tell you a story about Giz from last night - but I don't know how to tell it. You had to see it! I guess, he's just a woos ... sometimes!!!! It was a "afraid of his shadow" story - just too hard to explain and be funny ..... but it was hilarious at the time!

Have a good one .............. Rob and Giz

   Yesterday, I did have some chemo side effects ... but I had three different things planned for helping, in some way, my condition, treatments and side effects.

   It started out with my first ever session of Reiki. I have two things to say about that. First ... I can't remember the last time I had a womans hands all over me. Second ... and more serenely state, it was for my spirit!!!

   Yes ... spirit. Actually, it was a very relaxing session based some on light touching and some on no touching. And toward the end, I did feel a rush of energy flowing down my legs to my feet ... hard to describe but very relaxing and real.

   It was close to an hour long session on my back, fully clothed (except shoes) and started around my head. Her hands over my eyes was very relaxing. There was background music - semi-oriental and quiet. I will try this again ... and I recommend anyone needing to relax should try it if possible.

   Then shortly after that, I went back to the old excercise sessions at the local hospital Wellness Center. It was so good to get back. A few of the oldtimers were still there, but mostly new people ... close to 20 in the class with 3 nurses monitoring the session.

   I promised myself that I would start out very slow and not push it. And I did that. There is a weigh-in first, then BP and blood oxygen taken, then warm-ups. After the excercising, there is a cool-down before leaving.

   My weigh-in was a predictable 209, the weights I chose for the warm-ups were a pair of very tiny 3-ound weights (8 to 9-pound were normal before) and I only worked on two machines instead of the normal three machines. My BP was 124 over 68 and blood oxygen an expected 95.

   It was a good start. I HAVE to have patience ... and not push anything to fast. So, it was a good start. about 3/4 of the people in that class carry around oxygen tanks when they're excercising. I should not have to do that ...... happy about that!

   And finally, last night, I went to the first group meeting for "Men With Cancer"! Only 6-guys there + the facilitator ... but it seems like a good group of guys. I heard in detail, the stories of two of them ... then gave my own story.

   I am the only one there with Advanced Prostate Cancer. There are two with Colon Cancer. And the worst one was the guy across from me, 15-years younger than me, and diagnosed with stage four colon cancer in January of this year.

   The stuff this guy has gone thru is horrifying over a 9-month timeframe. It is non-operable. And he is on chemotherapy every other week for the rest of his life. He has a kidney stent, as I do ... but his may be able to be removed if the tumor blocking his kidney is reduced by the chemo.

   It was surprising that two of the guys there use the same oncologist office as I do. But there are 13 oncologists there. One of the guys uses the same doctor in that office a I do. So .... there were some commonalities amoung us even if not the same type of cancer. This too, the support group that is, should be yet another good means to fighting the cancer that I have.

   Carl, if you're out there .... try the Reiki!!!!

   Karen ........ I certainly think you could get into the spirituality, release of energy and relaxation of the Reiki.

   Have a great day ......... Rob and Gizzy

   It looks like I was a little overambitious in my planning for doing all the things planned in the near future. The exercise sessions should still be in my planning, even though I missed them on Friday. The stomach is feeling funny ... never quite right ... so it's day-to-day!

   I am going to go this week to the Reoccurence Meeting (for Cancer Patients). But, I'm not going to go to the Healing Touch session. I think, for the time being, I'll do the Reiki twice a month ... and between the two support groups - four times a month. And the excercise sessions should average about twice a week - instead of three times a week.

   I know it's too early to make a good assessment of the Lexapro ... but I do think it is going to be very helpful.

And about Gizmo .........

   I have never ever had a dog like this. My old Elkhound was very good natured ... only saw him try to snap once in his life ... and that was at the vet when they tried to spray something in his nose. Other than that, never heard him growl at anyone. He was gentle, loving but reserved I guess.

   Gizzy ..... well he's just a big old lover boy! Nothing funky .... just that he likes to lay on my chest and snuggle at times ... and always when raining or threatening to rain. He'll (like a baby) lay on my chest and at times will look up at me with those big brown eyes - about 6" away ... and I have to laugh!!!!

   Where would we be ..... without our dogs - especially if we're alone. I wish I had the energy to keep up with a Husky ... and better feelings about my future. The Husky I saw this morning being walked saw the Yorky about a block away - coming his way. We were driving by at the time. It was a young guy walking the Husky, and he had his hands full holding onto the Husky that was on his hind legs waiting for the Yorky to approach.

   It was a trim Husky, I would guess a young one, and about 70 to 80 pounds of high energy. Hey ... they pull sleds for a living in some areas. They're pretty strong, have beautiful blue eyes and coloring much like a wolf. Oh well ....... maybe if I had a "Bucket List"!!!

   Hope you have a good day ....... have a good talk with Jasmine about those trucks!@!!!

Rob ..... Giz too!

   To clarify .......... I didn't mean a Husky instead of Gizzy - but in addition to. He'de love to have a furry friend. And then .... if anyone ever broke into my house, Giz would either run or look for a petting. This way, the Husky could be the protector for us both. I don't think Huskies take any s**t from anything!

   Oh well, like I said, if I had a Bucket List ..... and the time to use it!

   The wine sounds good. My guess is that grape wine lasts longer than other fruit wines - that is a longr shelf life. I have an unopened bottle left of this red Christmas wine from 2011 .... afraid it might be expensive vinegar by now!!!!

   Have a good evening.

Rob and Giz

As silly as it may sound ....................

"Is there such a thing as a bad hair day for a dog"?

   I noticed when taking Giz out this morning, he looked like s**t! I mean, most of his hair was so scraggly - no sense of order except around his face. And the hair doesn't grow there!

   He can be an outstanding looking dog ....... BUT ........ he needs to have an owner who's not so lazy! Or maybe, his owner needs to change his priorities!!! Hmmm ...... need to talk to my psychologist about that.

   Last night I was petting him behind his ears, and I found little tiny lumps of hair ........ Oh no!!! He needs a bath and a grooming and a nail clipping. But I can't bring him into his groomer this bad ...... tons of guilt complexes will come upon me if I do!

   Mr. Lazy-butt better get his beee-hind n gear here.

   Karen ......... I know Shepards shed but I don't believe their hair can get into knots or tiny balls that need to be split before they can be combed or brushed out. I know my Elkhound used to be like that - undercoat major shed at times but otherwise ....... No Problem!!!

   So, the moral of the story ........... Bad Hair Days ......... are not just for women or men! Gotta find my doggie brush - and get busy tonight - and the next few nights maybe. A little at a time is good for a job like that!

   Again Karen ...... hope the lump on Jazzy's back is nothing serious. I had a big scare with my old Bear several years ago when he was close to 12. It was a tumor. It was not malignant. But, at his age, it was risky for him to go under even minor surgery. He came thru it like a trooper though even though the tumor and a testicle were removed. And he lived to just past 15 years. Still miss that boy. Gizzy woulda loved him!!!!

   Have a good hair day!!!

Rob and Giz

   You mention about a goldendoodle. I think that's a cross between a yellow lab and a poodle (usually a standard poodle). I had a Standard Poodle - before my Elkhound. A big white 65-pound one! I did all of the grooming on him except the nail cutting.

   They have hair and not fur ... so it grows differently ... but it does matte! Probably more like human hair that's naturally curly. I used a pin brush on him about weekly and there were no major matting problems. I did shave him every two or three months with an Oster and two different blades. And lazy-butt (me) wasn't as lazy then, so I walked him a short distance three times a day or more when I worked out of my home - so his nails always wore down. He was ... what you call ... a real low maintenance poodle!

   Unfortunately, after giving it much thought, I am giving up the newly started excercise sessions at the hospital Wellness Center. It's three times a week and I missed the last two ... and you pay for them whether you go or not after you register. I was supposed to register after the first session last Wednesday.

   The side effects of this chemo are much worse thanprior chemos ... not pain ... but my stomach seems to nearly always be doing flip-flops. Yesterday, I thought maybe it is, in part, nausea. I had not experienced nausea with any of the other chemos. I took my first nausea pill ... and that may be part of the problem. It's better. I may need to eat more but smaller meals daily - not sure.

   Anyhow, I just don't seem to be able to put in a full work day at all anymore. I'm real close to accepting that - so that's good! I wish I had an ounce of family support, but it just ain't there .... and it's not gonna be ... I think!

   I saw my Mother, at the Dementia Home, yesterday ... and she's becoming more and more remote from everything in life. She still remembers me ... and my dog ... and one of my daughters. That's about it! My Oncology Nurse would have a fit if she knew I went to see her. I am very susceptable to infections or anything else while taking this chemo. It lowers the white blood count - sometimes dangerously.

   All the more reason, I guess, to stop going to the excercise sessions. Everyone there is in their 60's and 70's and who knows what kind of germs are floating around and amounst 20 old-timers!!!

   See what you get ............ when you ask me "how I'm feeling"? I had so hoped that with the excercise sessions, some of my strength would come back. I have a nice mid-weight motor scooter and a bicycle that are just sitting in the garage. If I can't use them, I need to sell them next Spring - when the market is there. I had hoped that it would be nice to be around people a few times a week also, but everyone there pretty much keeps to themselves.

   I do have two old pieces of equipment in my spare bedroom - and one of them is a powered treadmill. I should just use them I suppose. I always wanted to try Giz (LOL) on the treadmill - like Cesar ...... ???

   You know, as I'm talking myself into this, I could do nearly as much at home with my older equipment, as I could elsewhere .... and save $84. a month and driving back and forth three times a week. That could buy a lot of King Crab Legs (in season) .... one of my favorites and steamed - so easy!!!!!

   Well, If there are any new-comers looking at this post, I think this is what yeh call journaling (in a semi-public way). It does help so much just to let things out ... even if only one person sees it. Maybe even if no one sees it!

   Karen ..... and anyone else out there ..... have a good day.

Rob

Gizzy's sleeping!

   I'm really OK with the excercise thing. The motivation I need. With two pieces of equipment, it shouldn't be impossible. I do need the treadmill for my legs and I have used it many, many times years ago - still works! And I do have an old Bowflex with power rods. It's manual, nothing power, but it can work so many parts of the body, andit has a bench to for leg or back work.

   I remember the Body Electric show. I think I could use something more than aerobics and stretching. The stretching is needed as a warm-up and not bad as part of a cool-down, but I've lost muscle mass ... need to try to do something about that - and the Bowflex is good for that.

   As far as my daughters are concerned, I'de be happy if they'de just call me. Except for an e-mail photo, I haven't talked to my oldest daughter since I took her and her family out to dinner in July. She just never calls. I saw my youngest two + weeks ago, but I really have to be the one to call. 

   Reality is reality. The above paragraph was the subject of my last visit to my psychologist ... and likely will be for my next two visits.

   Glad to hear it's nice out by you. It has warmed up here some. Giz'll be out within an hour or two - maybe for a short walk - but at least for you know !!!!!!!

   Enjoy the day.

Rob and Giz

P.S. .... I was smoking for so many years in the past, do have COPD or emphazema from smoking ....... so any temptation like with mj is not at all likely. But, again .... thanks for the thought and advice.