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Heartbroken over lost Love

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Posted 8/27/2013 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
Where to start...
I met a woman at work who was in a emotionally abusive relationship. I could tell that she had a very kind soul and had much to offer even though she was withdrawn. I was also involved in an unhappy relationship that was just tolerable. We started off by having coffee and talking...we immediately hit it off and could almost finish each others sentences. Slowly, ever so slowly she would reveal bits and pieces of her life! Slowly over time we fell into a deep love for each other! She opened up parts of me that I never knew existed! Like Bob Marley said "Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around". So over the course of three years we saw each when possible and consoled each other through parental deaths and illness. I moved on from my relationship and waited for her to do the same when she could escape her tormentor!! Before she could get away her man found out about us and immediately locked her down...he took her boys to his parents house and kept her at home for a fortnight!! She is now terrified to even speak to me!! I knew the risks going into this and I would do it all over again if possible!! I am so heartbroken right now and I'm scared of what is happening to her! I just don't know how I can possibly move on past this!! I think about her night and day...my heart aches for her love!! So heartbroken....
Posted 8/27/2013 5:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Heartbroken1968,
I'm so sorry that you and the woman you met at work are going through such horrible things but once in a while, people just have to go through things that they don't even deserve to feel. I'm suggesting you on try and text or call her if possible. Encourage her and also be by her side in your heart. Tell her what you have to say and that you're missing her so badly.

She's probably petrified right now but you could comfort her by through texts and slowly moving to phone calls. Get her to have confidence in herself and give a go on talking to the boy's parents on letting her go. Try and help her as much as you can but don't take too much risk. Risks can cause your life if it's into a deep one! And I'm sure that she's not gonna be happy if it causes you and your life.

Try and be by her side through technology and also from deep down in your heart.

Give her encouragement and help her get self confidence as much as you can. This might take awhile but it's definitely better than risking or doing nothing.

Best of luck for you and your girl, stay strong and never give up.

Much love,
Joanne
Posted 8/27/2013 5:54 PM (GMT 0)
I just read on a post farther down, a long time member said that he doesn't reply to "matters of the heart". While this is his choice, I can't understand why you wouldn't? I went from being the most outgoing confident man to a shell of insecurities and despair! I can't think straight for five minutes....I haven't slept in weeks...I see no future at all without my love! Lost love is one of the worst places to be because there is no good solution!! Time is suppose to heal all wounds...but mine just keeps bleeding day after day!! I never know if I will survive one day to the next!! I see no hope for any kind of future at all!! Just lost at sea....drifting I am!
Posted 8/27/2013 6:00 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Joanne!
I have tried to contact her, her phone is disconnected/number changed! I spoke to her once since she went away and she told me how very deeply she loved me! She is just so terrified of losing her children that she won't risk contact! This is so troubling for me...my heart aches every second! I will never ever give up on OUR love, it is so perfect!!! Unbelievably PERFECT!!
Posted 8/27/2013 6:48 PM (GMT 0)
I am really sorry to hear that Heartbroken1968,
But don't lose hope yet. You're drifting and sinking deeper and deeper down the ocean but there's still one way or another to solve this problem. Swim, swim with all your might to get to the sea shore. Even though you're lost in the middle of nowhere without any GPS or compass, find your way out by walking. Take a step further with every strength that you have and DON'T GIVE UP! Never give up! NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!!
You might not see the future now but don't you dare give up! The more you fall into the deep dark hole inside you, the deeper you fall in it. Even though you feel so desperate to be with her but you couldn't, be brave!

Have you tried mailing her ? Tell her with all your heart that you need her so so desperately and if you all stick together, nothing will ever break you guys apart.

I know she's terrified being in this situation but, hiding from you and losing contact with each other is not going to work. Sure she would be safe, sure she would be under a warm shelter now but if I ask her whether does she feel safe or not, I assure you that she would say no. You're the best shelter for all of her and her children.

Love is really strong but since you really truely madly deeply is and always will be in love with her, tell her that as long as you guys are together, nothing could go wrong.

Life is under the hand of God. He could take away anyone any minute and that it is God's plan.

But what's important is that you have to not be like this. You want to be with her, you got to change. Don't let your heart shatter around the floor like it's made of glass, protect your heart with a shield. You can do this Heartbroken1968! I know you can!!

Much love,
Joanne
Posted 8/27/2013 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
Things aren't perfect for her having to stay with a man she doesn't love. She should try to leave. This sounds criminal, he is keeping her captive, took away the kids. I am sorry for what you are going through, but she has to make the decision to leave. Are they married? He could take you to court if they are. You would be a corespondant. Depending how far that you two went. This is a hard situation. I think Joanne has a good point about checking on her but not getting too involved.

Maybe you should move on with life. Keejp living. I know you are heart broken right now, but thngs will get better. If the two of you are meant to be together you will. Try to make the most of things and be thankful that you had a relationship that many don't.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/27/2013 7:14 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Karen. I have already checked on the criminal side of things. He is a very intelligent albeit manipulative individual. When he took the kids away to his parents he called it overnight trips and he used that as a fear tool when he kept her at home! This is all so very distressing!! I know every adult person is responsible for there own actions and she could leave if she wanted. I just cannot give up on her...I may wait in the wings...but I will never ever give up on that love that we share!!
Posted 8/27/2013 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
Why not hire a lawyer and just beat the guy out ? I think you'll win because you seem to be innocent in this incident, he's the one who's guilty so why not ?

Joanne
Posted 8/27/2013 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
The thing Joanne, is that it sounds like the couple is married. Heartbroken has no claim to her. It is up to her to leave. If he is doing something criminal to her, she would have to be the one to press charges. If they are married, Heartbroken is not in the right. It is an affair and he could get in trouble. So he has to tread lightly in this situation...

I would say work on yourself, continue to better yourself and if the love is strong enough, she will leave him. The love could be strong enough and she is scared... Best wishes...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/27/2013 10:11 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Karen. At this point, she has to take the next step. There's nothing that heartbroken can do.

I think the best thing you can do is work on you. The most important thing when you want a sucessful relationship is to know that if you aren't happy with yourself no one else can fix that. For now, focus on yourself. I'm not saying give up hope but that right now everything is out of your hands.
Posted 8/27/2013 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
I will be the first one to admit that what we were doing wasn't the right way to go about it. We should have waited...but this Love was so intensely strong on a soulful level that it was impossible to stop! I know in my heart that all I can do now is wait and pray for her to come back! I try and work on myself and remembering all of the good times that we shared together! It's just so very hard to go day to day with hearing her voice! Imagine the feeling you would have if someone you loved was lost....but the kicker is you knew right where they were but couldn't reach them!!! Think about it in those terms!!! It's maddening!!! I can honestly tell you that I have NEVER in 45 years been in love....until now!
Posted 8/27/2013 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
It has to be maddening, but stop and think about it. If it was a love so strong on her part, don't you think she would come to you? How old is she? Is she afraid? She should break free and be with you if that was what she wanted. I hope she eventually comes to you. And we recognize the turmoil is that you are going through. But the best that you can do is focus on your life. Keep moving forward, so that if she does come to you, you will be able to provide for her a happy life. You can't stay stuck in the mud waitng... Do you still see her at work?  Does she talk to you?

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/27/2013 11:49 PM (GMT 0)
She is my age and we work at different locations now. She is terrified and worried about her boys! She feels trapped now...I honestly don't think she will break away unless he hits her...she will endure hell on earth to protect those boys!! My therapist told me the same thing...she's an adult and can make her own decisions! I just miss her sooooo much, it hurts my heart and drives me crazy! Praying every day for her return!
Posted 8/28/2013 11:05 AM (GMT 0)
Heartbroken,

I have read all the posts. I have to say I am glad to see that you are in therapy.

My view is that you are obsessing over this women and she may be playing you for an Ace in her back pocket. Your attention and affection was most likely the most she has seen in years.

Try not to mistake her gratitude or longing for this affection for love. She may not even know it herself!

Sounds like you are heading for a mess of trouble with the husband if you continue. You sound like you are worth so much more than that!!

You deserve a partner that can be there for you 100% and share life in the fullest, work on you and concentrate on getting yourself straight. I would take the relationship for what it was and move on. It is the only healthy thing I see happening.

Peace and courage.
Trina
Posted 8/28/2013 11:40 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Trina for your thoughts, I very much appreciate them. Because I have strayed off topic a little bit by giving the needed background, my last thoughts on the relationship. Her husband had mentally abused, calling her names and telling her she was worthless etc, for close to twenty years. She was so used to the abuse that when we first started talking she thought it was normal/acceptable. I got her some information on verbal abuse and gave her tools to work on such! Her husband had also had one physical affair, that was found out by her and another assumed affair where he was charged with sexual harassment. He is a bad person no matter what! But he is the father of her children and she will stay to protect them through hellfire!! I know in my heart she is staying there, it is just so hard to give up trying to help her not to be abused!!
On the depression side of things, I can't see myself going on without her! All of my dreams for the future were with her by my side, we talked about a happy life together without all of the pain! It is so very difficult to wrap my mind around living without her in my life, her voice, her smile, her touch! There will never be another woman who holds a candle to this beauty! I know I have to move on and function on a day to day basis. I am honestly paralyzed by the inability to move on with the possibility I may miss her trying to contact me. What are the tools I can use to "Fall Out of Love", could someone tell me that! I'm not some forlorn twenty year old boy, I'm a grown man!! Tell me how you just forget about a deep soulful love such as this! As for her just using me as a pawn, I could see the look in her eyes....feel it in her touch...her it in the words that she said!! Love is a powerful emotion but it pales to the bond of motherhood! I know I have to move past this after my heart stops bleeding every second of the day!
Posted 8/28/2013 12:21 PM (GMT 0)
Just continue to work on you. There are some things in life that we would like to have but we can't. I guess you will have to worship her from afar until she gets out of her relationship. If she does.

She probably doesn't know that she is being treated badly. She is probably so use to it, plus as you said, she thought it was normal. She is going to have to take steps and you are going to have to accept that. It is hard to fall out of love. Just keep the fond memories close to your heart. Life does go on and you need to continue to live yours.

Many of us don't ever find love, you are very fortunate, run with that. Know that you have experienced something nice in your life, and move on from there. No resentment, no regrets. Take life one day at a time.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/28/2013 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
Well,
I guess in that case, all you can exactly do is pray.
Pray so that miracles would happen.

And what's left now is the waiting game.
If you're love is really strong for her, than I think she would come back to you anytime.
Be strong Heartbroken1968,
you'll get through this.

Much love,
Joanne
Posted 8/28/2013 3:03 PM (GMT 0)
To Heartbroken ..........

   I don't think I've seen this in any of the posts but ........ would you ever want her to be put into the position of having to chose you over her children? It sounds as though her husband has done just that to her ... and that is one of the surest ways to destroy the love between two people.

   Catch 22 ........... yep!!!!

   You would never want to be the person to come between her and her own children. Ultimately, she would hate you for that. Again, it is a Catch 22 I'm afraid. And, I would guess you would hate yourself for doing that to her.

   So sorry you're where you're at. Counseling is a great option. Time alone is not a healer!!!!!!!!!

Best wishes

Rob

     

Posted 8/28/2013 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
Rob
I would never ever want her to choose me over her children! That is exactly why I have completely backed off. She had voiced reservations about what would happen to the kids if she left the father. I told her that I felt that one traumatic event that last just a few months(divorce) is a better solution than staying with the abusive father for the next fifteen years...I truly believe that "mean people, ie him, produce little mean people! He came from an verbally abusive father and is in turn abusing his family! All that being said I can only pray for him to change and take care of his family in a more caring way! Maybe The Lord will change his heart and help him be a better person!
While all of this is incredibly hard on me I only want happiness for her as her heart is made of gold and I truly love her with all that I am!!
Posted 8/28/2013 3:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Heartbroken ....

   Maybe this is slightly off the subject, but I am a firm believer in it being a mistake for two people (under circumstances like you've described) to stay together for the childrens sake. It doesn't work. Kids aren't stupid. Kids living in and growing up in a hostile environment is not good.

   I don't think that statement helped you any ....... but I needed to say it. Well, maybe it did affirm some of what you said.

   Should a divorce ultimately happen, that opens up a whole new group of potential problems. I'm the product of a divorce ... and was raised by my Stepfather and Mother ... but my natural Father remained in the picture - and he re-married later. All things considered, I was very lucky. I never felt like the pawn that was being used between two divorced people. Many are not that lucky.

   Again, I wish you the best. Counseling, again, makes a great deal of sense for you ... and yourself!

Rob

  

Posted 8/28/2013 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
I believe, not just for selfish reasons, that divorce is the best option as well! But I am very cognizant of the fact that she has to make this decision without outside influences, mine, or it could lead to problems in our relationship down the road! I am trying to be strong and keep my head held high!
1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing"
Posted 8/28/2013 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
         

                                              AMEN

Posted 8/29/2013 1:03 PM (GMT 0)
It is so very incredible to me how the loss of someone can make a heart and mind spiral completely out of control!! One day I'm fine and a hour later I'm crying in my truck with no hope!! It's just incredible!!
Posted 8/29/2013 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
You really need to look at it as a good experience in your life and hold on to that thought. Getting it out never hurts though. Crying is cleansing. I hope it helped you to feel better. Love always makes us feel good and the loss of it hurts. But try to take it one day at a time. You never know what is going to happen in the future. There could be good things right around the corner. Try to look at the positive things that you have. The good memories of time spent with her, it will help you.

Best wishes...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/29/2013 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
I think I have to agree with many of the others. You have to work on you, your feelings of loss and your sadness. Take her out of the discussion as much as you can. Clearly, this has affected you deeply. So, take the steps necessary to make yourself stronger emotionally, and heal from what ahs happened.

That way, you will be in a better emotional place, stronger and more centered. This is for you, not her.
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