Help! Can't get in touch w/my boyfriend

Hi I recently reconnected with an exboyfriend from college approximately 3 1/2 months ago.  We hadn't talked in 20 years.

After about a week of talking nightly for approximately 5 hours a day he revealed that he suffers from severe depression and takes Prozac.  He admitted that he attempted twice.  He talks a lot about work stressing him out but has not made any attempts to look for another job.  I've been extremely support and not judgemental.  I send him encourage affirmations daily and I've sent  him a few cards in the mail.  He lives in Hawaii not for the past 10 years.  He talks about how he isolates himself, but has constantly said how he feels I saved his life and gave him a reason to live.

We have been talking everyday for the past 3 1/2 months for 5 or more hours a night.  Approximately 1 month ago I asked if I could come visit and he said "absolutely"  I made my reservation and we've been counting down the days until we see each other.  It is one week before I go and visit him.  Two nights ago he talked about his attempt from 10 years ago.  He gets really emotional and cries when he talks about his past.  I've notice over the months he shares the same stories from his past repeatedly.  He had already shared the story with me, but I just listened.  When he finished he said, "I would understand if you don't want to come visit me now....".  I said to him that I wanted to see him and I want to support him.  I also said that I appreciated him sharing a very personal parts of his life w/me.  He abruptly got off the phone and said he would call me right back.  That was two nights ago.  He never called me back.  So he works during the day and I usually don't talk to him until 12pm my time.  He calls like clock work and he didn't call last night.  I've called several times and texted him and he has not replied.  I don't know anyone in Hawaii he knows.  I have the number to his job and I'm thinking about calling today.  Can I asked for a wellness check to his apartment?  I'm really worried and I don't know what to do.  Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/3/2013 12:02:57 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks! Should I cancel my trip?

Okay. Thanks I've just joined your site and I'm glad I did. The information is extremely helpful and informative. I've been struggling with how to support him. His past doesn't scare me. I love him and he says he loves me, but I want him to be okay. I don't want him to feel any pressure or stress w/me coming to visit. I have explored canceling my flight. Luckily I got travelers insurance and I have a couple of option to get refunded my money. But honestly, my biggest concern is if he's okay. I've been texting him and calling him but still no answer. Should I stop trying to contact him and wait for him to contact me. I've sent him texts that say "I'm worried about you. Please at least text me to let me know your okay even if you don't feel like talking."

Thanks for your words of encouragement!

I have been through something like this recently.

BF went on bicycle tour, and disappeared into the greater void of middle America. After three days, I was sure he was lying dead in a hospital somewhere. it turned out he had no cell phone coverage where he was.

I agree with Karen. Cut back on your calls. He might be feeling anxious and this could feel like an attack. Call three times a day, morning, noon, and when he would normally call. One email a day, maybe sweet and informative about how day has gone.

In my summation, you might want to cancel your trip. Clearly, it might be too much for him right now. Have you two seen each other since college? Despite your current relationship, face-to-face is hard.

We tend to assume the worst. It usually isn't. He sounds overwhelmed, and is lucky to have someone who is willing to work with him.

I am so happy you found something out. At least you know he is okay. Try not to take it personally. It is something depresses people do. Isolate themselves. We feel safe that way. He will come out of his shell eventually. But I don't know if you are going to want to continue to go through this. It is hard to watch a depressed person and hard not to take it personally.

Take care sweetie, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen,...........

Just wanted 2 thank you again. I finally talked 2 him and he had lost his phone. I feel really foolish now, but he keeps reassuring me that its okay and he understands. I guess I did over react but I was genuinely concerned. So I'm gettn over myself. My trip is still on...please share any words of advice for me during my week long visit. Its been 20 years and we are both very different people but he says he really wants 2 make it work and so do I.

Having done something similar myself, take it easy when you do get there. Slow and steady does it.

I met my current gentleman online, in a chat room. We chatted for four months, and talked on the phone for another 6 before we decided to meet. This was back in 2001.

I would agree with Karen-cold feet is likely here. But he got it together and that's what counts.

Respect his distance. Respect his boundaries and have him respect yours. Face to face is like starting over again from scratch.

Have a great and terrific trip!