Stuck with depression for life

I cannot get over the past, both distant and recent. My entire life from the beginning to the present is crap, worthless and dull. Failed at everything. Was too depressed to do the things that normal people do.

I have no happy memories to draw upon. I can't look back to a time where I ever felt happy. My life was always categorised by self-loathing and one failure after another.

The older I get, the worse the pain gets. I messed up my life, have done and said so many bad things, just been full of so much rage and sadness, it's like I'm tapping from a bottomless well. Can't forgive myself. I wish I hadn't had surgery, I wish I had let the Crohn's done whatever it would have done without any intervention.

I don't have anything in the present and don't ever see having anything in the future either. Nothing which actually matters.

NCOT, Jamie is correct, I know how hard this is, I am in the process of forgiving myself for past action now.

I use self-kindness and self-compassion as coping skills and guides to get me through each day and to stay on the positive path.

It is nice to see you post again, so sorry you are feeling down and out on yourself, but that is what this forum is for, to help you see your self-worth;and you have plenty.

Keep working you can make it.

Peace and courage
Trina

Thank you, guys.

I'm feeling a tad better today. Nothing so strong as happy or optimistic, or anything, but at least I'm no longer feeling quite so desperate :-/

I hope you are all feeling okay! I'm not joking when I say I would rather fight Crohn's than depression. With a physical disease, you at least get periods of respite and it's more obvious to other people what is wrong with you. With depression, it feels like there isn't any respite from the feelings and thoughts which plague your every waking moment. Every time I think of doing something even slightly different, my brain is all like, 'nah, there's no point, you'll just be too fatigued/crap at talking/bored/etc. etc. to enjoy it', 'it'll be hard work and you're hopeless at hard work', and so on, ad infinitum. Any motivation or enthusiasm is killed off before I've even had a chance to try anything, and my dull, pointless life resumes normal service.

The older I get the more entrenched that 'voice' seems to become as well. It's just almost impossible to do everything when there is a never-ending voice telling you that you will fail, the million things that could go wrong, etc. I'm not sure what drives on these constantly negative thoughts; though they seem to have begun in childhood, even before conscious memory (apparently I used to say that everyone hated me. Well, yeah, that's probably because at home my brothers really did hate me and there wasn't any love shown by anyone. I seemed like the least important person in the house).

This paranoia has followed my into adulthood. I'm too scared to get close to anyone, I always keep people at a distance. I don't know who I trust less: them or me.

Anyway, sorry, this ended up being like a diary entry :-/ If there is any possibility for changing, then I'll try...

Present. not past, not future. Mindfulness.

My BF is a pretty negative guy, much of which I think is anxiety and habit. I have to retrain him periodically. Add another voice to make that nasty inner voice of his/yours think. "what's good about this?" "what other possibility is there?" "How else can we look at this?" Try to develop this, being in the moment and responding positively to the moment. EXample... a stupid one. We were driving in heavy traffic, and BF can be a road rage kinda guy. Flashing his lights, speeding up to close holes, graphic gestures. Most of the infractions look like normal driving to me. So, in desperation, I started pointing out two things. One, he can only control his reactions and actions not other people's. So, the rage he builds up is kinda pointless. Two, perhaps in exerting so much anger outwards, his is missing a chance to be mindful, to say 'what's happening with this other person?" or even "This is fine, I am good." Trying to break the habitual response is a mother kitty.

What really got through to him was when he exhibited the same behavior as he got angry at. I pointed out gently (yeah, sucks to be him), and he thought about that a while.

It also pushes comfort zones. We tend to like the way we have developed to look at the world, and it's hard and painful to try something else. But sometimes our behavior is a result of faulty thinking leading to faulty living.

Hey Mags,

Just popping in to say I am here for you. I hope that you feel better soon.

Depression is a nasty disease, but together we will all get through it.

Hugs, Karen...

SENDING WARM HEALING THOUGHTS YOUR WAY.

THE HAPPY TURTLE