I think Depression did this...

I'm hoping someone here can really help me out. I've been struggling with this situation for the past few months, more so the past week. Although I can't imagine how much this one person that means a lot to me, has been struggling...its no comparison to me.

I was dating a guy starting in January...his name is Rob, we talked through texting, eventually met up for a movie, clearly liked each other more than friends...and it grew into him asking me to go steady with him...he wasn't too proud of a few things in his current life, like his living arrangement, comparing it to mine...I have a nice place, his is a little more run down..I told him it didn't matter...what mattered was how we felt about each other. To keep a long story short-er...his sister is who set us up, it took Rob a long time to gain courage to contact me, he was worried about it not working out...and we were never strangers. I have known this family since I was 5. I grew up with Rob, his sister and brother. More so the other 2, as Rob is 4 years older than me. He was always around though, birthday parties, farm parties, etc. It really was a perfect match. Today, I'm 28, he is 32.

Something happened in May. I last saw him at the end of April, I spent the weekend at his place. We are kind of long distance living 45 minutes apart. We went to a rodeo with his family, had a good time. He was very affectionate, told me I drove him crazy (the good kind). It really was a great weekend. But after that...something happened. He wasn't calling. I was. He wasn't really interested in making plans or coming over. Always said work was crazy...which it was...there were shut downs happening everywhere and he worked nights all the time. On call 24/7. He hates his job. At the begining of June...I tried calling him...no answer. I left a VM. He would ALWAYS call me back...but this time he didn't. So I tried again the next day. He was in a foul mood. I told him I didn't appreciate it. I had been trying with him for the past month to work on our communication. Its what people do in a relationship. But...the next day he called and with liquid courage...he ended our relationship. He had no reason as to why. Just felt it was better that we stop seeing each other. He said I had a good thing going for me, and he was trying to get things going for him. He mentioned maybe coming back to things a couple months later...but when I also asked him if he had feelings left, he said no. It really didn't add up. We had no arguments, no disagreements, nothing was wrong.

It's been about...3.5 months since the break up...no contact since. Last week, I got a call from his dad. Rob ran a red light, hit another car, no one was luckly hurt, but something happened at the hospital, that made them send Rob to a Psychiatric Hospital. They declared him with a nicotine overdose, as he was hallucinating. He was found with the patch, gum and smoking. He has been wanting to quit. Exhaustion is also a factor. I was on the road when this call came in...already for 3 hours, had another 3 to go...and I had to pull over I was crying so hard. I will admit that after the break up...something didn't seem right to me about Rob...I think when I got this call...I immediately knew the answer was coming. I was a mess all week thinking about him. I didn't want to go see him...I knew this was something Rob had to deal with. I also didn't know if I was welcome. Being 3 months since we talked. Even though I'm a close person in the family...me being there wouldn't have made a difference anyways.

I found out that he is doing much better. I guess for the last 6 months (this would be going into the time of our relationship too) he was hearing a voice. This voice would tell him things. He would at times jump into his truck, and end up on the other side of the city for whatever reason the voice told him to. It sounds very scary. He was under a lot of stress, there is no word of schizophrenia, he's just been diagnosed with Depression. Mental issues do run in his family...his brother was extreme manic bipolar...he passed away 5 years ago due to an overdose. It was hard on all of us, myself very much so...but I think this must be where it slowly started for Rob. It just got really bad this past 6-12 months. He is on a low dose of meds, he is sleeping through the night now, well rested. Not hallucinating or hearing the voice anymore. He's been in the hospital now for about 15 days. Not sure when he will be getting out. I was going to pass a message along to Rob through his dad, but his dad said to text him as he has his cell. So I did. All I said was I was thinking of him, and know that I am always here for him. He did end up replying to me the next morning. Saying ok, that he is good, and asked how I was. I responded lightly, also saying to keep in touch. No response from him...but don't expect much as he is working on himself.

But now here is the issue: My feelings for him are still there. I haven't cared about someone this much before...clearly we have history, and he is like family, but when we were together...it felt right. We had good times, he showed happiness at many times...the depression just took over. I can't help but think this depression is the only reason our break up happened. Kinda feel like we never got a true chance. I am truly thankful he is safe and getting help now. I look back at our conversation when breaking up and wonder if he continues to get help...if we will give it another shot. One thing I asked him when he broke up with me was, what does your heart say? His reply was "Well thats a different story"...I sit here thinking...was that a confession to him not wanting to end this...but feeling it was his only choice he had due to whatever the voice was telling him, as well with this depressed feeling? No one knew he was battling this. He never talked to anyone. I know he has a long road to recovery...I have to look after me. I want him to know I am here for him regardless. I really hope he keeps in touch...in fact I pray he does. I think if he didn't want to or didn't care, he wouldn't have responded to my text in the first place...am I right? Is it ok for me to send him another text...say a month down the road to check in on him? Even if I don't hear from him?

Any help is appreciated...my mind needs a rest. Its just going on and on in circles about this 24.7.

-Jannie