Cannot get it right. [Depression, Anxiety] Relationalship

I am a 46yr old male. I was married young to my highschool sweetheart. After 23+ years of marriage, she left me for the bar scene and told me things like she missed out on her childhood. about a year prior to her ending the marriage and subsequently filing for divorce, she had moved out to her own apartment briefly which started me on my bouts with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I seeked medical advice and thus started my stint on medications - SSRIs, ect...

I jumped right into another relationship with an older woman +9yrs older than I, and about a 60 mile distance of whom I met online through a dating site. We solely had a weekends relationship with us trading turns on driving to be together. She totally respected me and loved me but after about a year and a half due to the distance and me feeling a lack of physical attraction to her, our time together diminished and I finally called off the relationship.

Fast forward to my next relationship with a woman a year and a half younger than I. Met her online also and we seemed to click from the beginning. I could sense some control issues over me from her which became worse over time but I committed to her and we became engaged after several months in. Following was to become total hell for me with her giving me back the ring, always belittling me, arguing, and the control issues grew. She would tell me that she was "damaged goods" due to being married 2x before and another relationship/engagement that she left. We stayed together for the most part for the following 4 years somehow even with her dumping me countless times, saying it was over, I would always crawl back. I finally on the last breakup from her realized I was not crawling back for more of the emotional abuse and controlling and moved fast forward again with my life.

Went back online on a dating site and by chance, a woman clicked on the "Meet me" in the dating search on my name so I responded and we really hit it off from the start and we met within a week. This woman being 4years older than I and a lot further away - aprox 1 1/2 hr drive. We confused to each other that we were both "In love" during the first date. I had driven to her to spend the first weekend together. We shared with each other how much we loved one another and I finally felt I met the woman of my dreams in every regard. Both the physical and emotional attraction were all there. She was involved in a bad motorcycle wreck a month prior to meeting me and would always say how God kept her alive for me and during our time together, how I was helping her heal and it was our love together. She would brag to all her friends how she had always told them she would never let another man into her heart (Yes, she's had a past of being cheated on and a second marriage where the man nearly beat her to death.) We talked things over and became engaged within a month with a wedding date set this year towards the end of December. I would travel to see her on my weekends off and on a couple occasions, she came to me and was able to stay at my house longer due to her being on disability and not needing to be back home for work. Well we get to September and my weeks vacation. The plan was for her to spend that along with another week when I went back to work at my place. Just prior to this, I had a visit with my psychiatrist and discussed with him my concern of some sexual side effects with the SSRI (Lexapro) that I was on so he added Wellbutrin generic and backed me down 10mg on the Lexapro in an effort to overcome that. After about 5 days on the Wellbutrin, I could feel myself becoming more agitated and angry at things that I shouldn't be. So back to this dream relationship/engagement, during the time she was at my place for the extended time, she was constantly on her phone with her friends back home along with facebook. She's also a smoker which I am not but I never let this bother me as I knew from the beginning but she would constantly go outside to smoke and keep touch with her friends which I would occasionally join her in attempt to keep her company. Things came to a head one night while we were on my couch watching a football game and one of her friends called and she answered it. She talked for like 10 minutes and even told her friend she was sitting with me watching a game and had to get off the phone but continued to talk another 10 minutes. I sorta blew up after the call ended and told her that's all she does is get on her phone with her friends and the only time she sets the phone down was if we were making love. She abruptly stood up and put me in my place saying nothing is going to come between her and her friends, and I mistakenly responded that she was acting just like my ex, putting me in my place and telling me how things had to be. I also responded to her that I would never try to come between her and her friends but reiterated that the constant phone usage when we are together was wearing on me. Somehow, we made it through the next day and me going back to work but the very next day (Tues mrng) when I left for work and was texting her, I sensed something was wrong. Turns out she had packed up her things, left me a "Marriage is OFF" note on my table, along with the ring, and drove herself home shortly after I had left for work. This of course devastated me and I immediately took all the blame and tried to say I was sorry and explain to her my meds have me off and not at my best and I knew I did the very thing to her with my remarks about being on the phone as I had put up with by my previous ex for four years... "Control". She agreed and said that's another thing men tried to do was Control her in the past and that she also felt that I wasn't being the one to show her the affection first while she was visiting me. I would tend to let her give the first kiss and "love yous" as she would get up to go smoke, ect... while down visiting me. That immediately hit me that this was true and I admitted to her that I was guilty of taking her for granted and was so sorry, that wasn't like me.

So we talked in the past few weeks since she left sporadically but it was eventually left up to her to contact me first instead of me sending her a text or call first as she said she needed time to get that feeling back towards me but she constantly insisted no plans for Marriage again even if somehow we were to get back together. I also got off the Wellbutrin after calling and discussing with my psychiatrist and back up to 20mg on the Lexapro. I also put myself in councilling which I've only had one session so far and she said she was proud of me for that and that I needed it and wished that I would have done that before we ever met.

A couple days ago, we had another incident during some texts and a phone call (Rather personal) and while it wasn't anything about "Controlling" this time, it had to do with her accusing me that I don't trust her. That call ended with her telling me she was going "out on the town" with one of her girlfriends and I as I was saying "I Love you" the phone clicked off I think before I even got that out. She knows I'm still in love with her as I always tell her that and she would tell me she knows that in her heart but while she was still saying at times she loved me, she would always stress to me that she just wasn't "In love with me" anymore.

So yesterday, I had texted her about selling a couple of my pet birds later that day since this is something I was supposed to do at the end of her stay as we planned on going to a bird fair that final Sunday together at my home which never happened and I had to make other arrangements with the folks who where buying the birds off me since I was too distraught to drive the 2hrs at that time of the same week she called off the Wedding. I couldn't help myself due to the night before going sour on the phone and wondering how she was feeling about me now, so I texted her saying something to the effect of, " I know you're not in love with me, but do you still love me" of which she replied, "I can't even answer that anymore". So now I'm beside myself not even knowing if she'll ever even want to see me again. Haven't expected to hear from her anymore yesterday after that which I didn't and I hadn't even replied after she texted me that.

I'm at an extreme loss now. I feel like I have totally blew it AGAIN. I still love her and hope for a chance to mend things and move forward with her in any way but now I feel all hope is lost. The one thing I have learned from her is that she seems to have anger issues with men in general and once she feels crossed in any way, she goes into battle mode.

I don't know what else to say, I'm devasted. Any advice is welcome and appreciated.

You time to find you and heal. Get strong in who you are and not need other people to complete to person you think you might be.

Therapy might be a good option for you. Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy sound like it might fit.

Give yourself some loving-kindness, you deserve it.

Peace
Trina

I think that in these types of situations, the best thing you can do is work on yourself, and in time, maybe she will come back to love you again, but work on you. Forget about her for now. She will respect you more for self improvements.


Best wishes, focus on yourself...

Hugs, Karen...

Well you aren't worthless, that is for sure, and I think the depression is making you feel less of a person. Try to remember it is the depression. I think in time she will see that you are a good person. Often when we are use to being treated badly, we don't know how to gracefully accept somebody who is good to us. This sounds like the case. Give her a little time, I am sure that this will work out.

Hugs Karen...

I agree with Rob. My mom has been married 7 times and she had that "I need a man to be happy" mentality. She's missed out on a lot because of this. She missed out on my sister and me graduating high school, getting married, and having kids. She wasn't here when my grandparents health began declining. Her whole life doesn't feel lived unless she's married.

Think about what the relationships have interrupted for you. You could do so much just to find out who you are by yourself. Support groups and counseling are a great way to begin. Volunteer work is a good avenue. Trying new activities or going to sports games with friends. You could even try taking classes to expand your horizons. You have to love you before anyone else can love you.

Hi SinnerLloyd,

Welcome to the depression forum. Feel free to start your own thread if you would like, to tell us a little about yourself.

Have a good day...

Hugs, Karen...

Hopefully by the end of the year, you wont have to see your counselor as much. I go every two months now. You have plenty of time to get frequent sessions in to do you good.

I am glad you are moving on with life, be slow with this new relationship.

Keep posting and know that we care...

Hugs, Karen...

It sounds like the increase is working for you. That is fantastic... Keep up the good work...

One day at a time...

Hugs, Karen...