Well, that was an utter waste of petrol

Appointment with the psychologist today at 10:30am. Got there about 10:25. Left just after 11, having still not got a parking space. The hospital car park has become an absolute nightmare for parking. It used to be that people parked in 'illegal' places when the car park got completely full; a system that actually worked quite well. So what did the hospital do? They brought in a f$%^ing private parking firm, which must have made a mint out of ticketing the unawares for a few weeks. (I was one of them; refused to pay the fine.)

In theory I should've paid £3 for an exit ticket, since I had been there for over 30 minutes, but there was no way they were getting £3 out of me when I hadn't even parked and been to see the person I came to see. At least the guy over the intercom didn't argue with me and just raised the barrier to let me out.

I drove straight home. Wasn't in the mood for stopping off at a noisy cafe and paying over the odds for a crap coffee and sandwich; I was tired and upset.

And now I feel like s&^t because the guy will think I just didn't turn up. I actually had another thing I wanted to do at the hospital besides see him and of course didn't get that done. He only has a morning clinic once a week; I can't phone anyone at the hospital to let them know why I didn't turn up because nobody knows who he is and his appointments are not in the system: managed to be 20 minutes late for my first appointment - even though I was well early - because of this.

I don't know if I even have a phone number anymore. It depends on if I kept a letter from months ago, because he's certainly nowhere to be found on the hospital's website even though practically every member of staff down to the janitors is listed on there.

To be honest, I was thinking of making this my last appointment anyway, but I did at least want to tell the guy this. Last week's session didn't go well, and I actually nearly walked out then. I just felt like he was not getting how bad I felt. I was trying to be as honest as I could, and he still didn't seem to be getting it. The conversation just kept going round in circles. At some point, he got me to sit still, close my eyes, and concentrate on various parts of the body to calm me down. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't punching walls or anything, but I was obviously sounding a bit agitated. That didn't really work, though, 'cos even the sound of his voice irritated me.

So really I think I may as well give my slot to somebody who may benefit from it more. Because I don't think I'm going to.

Urgh, just what I didn't want to happen :-/

Found the letter, rang the secretary, told her what happened. Same appointment same time next week ¬_¬. Suppose I'll have to go now. I'm seeing my GI at the beginning of November. His is a morning clinic, so parking for that will probably be a nightmare too.

Thanks muchly, Karen. If I saw another psychologist, it would be a private one and definitely not at the hospital. I'm considering it. Money is the main thing holding me back; it's so expensive. If it worked, it would be worth it, but sometimes it's just almost impossible to see how anyone can really help.

Anyway, am having a cup of tea right now. A nice cup of tea... :-/

Hugs back to you.

Hi folks.

Sorry I haven't replied earlier, I am not coping. Utter, utter hopelessness, things are never going to get better because I can't so much as move without the depression coming back. How can I fight that? It's utterly, utterly ruined my life. There is no hope, nothing good whatsoever, I'm just full of hate and anger, don't love anyone, least of all my parents. My life has been a worthless waste of oxygen from the day I was born to whatever day I'll die. This existence is torture, I just want it to be over, I'm useless, an utter waste of space, a disgrace. I shouldn't even be here.

If I knew what I know now, there is no way on earth I'd have had my operation. I'd have let the Crohn's do its thing, which would have hopefully been to have kill me.

Thank you, folks...

I have always been depressed. Even as a small child there were signs. But my parents ignored it. I was bullied every day by my 3 older brothers for years. My mum pretends that she never knew about it; well then, how come her friend managed to spot it? Utterly clueless woman, she should never have had children! And the less said about my dad, the better.

So my childhood was utterly miserable; no love, no kindness, our family was a sham. It's still a sham to this day. My mum wants to pretend we were a 'normal' family; if that's really normal then I think we should scrap the nuclear family system and go back to living in caves or up in trees.

Depression hit when I was 13, has never really left me since then. I got through school; after that I wasn't able to hold it together enough to get a degree or hold down a job for longer than a few months. I'm now 38 and the last decade has the quality of a nightmare. Years of internet addiction, insomnia, terrible rows and atrocious guilt, interwined with all the fun of having Crohn's. As fevers were a large part of my Crohn's, that further added to the hallucinatory quality of some nights.

Theoretically I should be 'happy' right now or at least happier than I was. I had an operation which seems to make everyone joyful; but not me. Oh so not me. And if you're wondering what operation I'm talking about it, it's a colectomy, ie removal of the entire colon. Yes, the Crohn's is gone (until if/when it comes back in the small bowel), but I'm left with a stoma which I really, really did not want. But I could probably accept the stoma if everything else in my life was okay. It isn't. I can't seem to get over what happened; sometimes it's like the past is more vivid than the present; I relive some moments so vividly, it's almost like they were happening again.

Anyway, I've rambled on for so long it's gone way past the time I meant to go to bed. I did read your posts, folks. My apologies for not replying to them individually, I kinda got sidetracked with my biography :-/

I don't even know if I should post this or not. Probably not, but I'm going to. Goodnight, folks; take care of yourselves, better than I am able to of me.

NCOT,

it is always hard to see the light when you are in the darkness. However the darkness does not last forever. It does end and life becomes brighter even for those of us as deep down as you are.

Where there is breath there is hope. Never, ever give up!!

You can do this!

Peace, love and courage
Trina

I cannot believe the time already; how time flies when you're having fun... :-/

I ended up typing a couple of very long posts to somebody on the Crohn's board - for once I feel like my replies might have actually genuinely helped, but it took it out of me and brought back some crappy memories of the recent past. But apart from that, this evening was better than yesterday evening: the beginning of the day did not go so well though - I went a bit mental <_<. (Was alone in the house.)

@Karen - I can't get over what your mum did. That sounds like child abuse. But sadly, I'm less surprised/horrified by children turning on one another; I had my share of bullying at school and had a 'best friend' just stop talking to me for years for no apparent reason.

I hardly knew anyone nice when I was a child; think the only times I was happy was when I was reading a book or daydreaming and in any other world except my own one.

I don't love myself really; I don't feel like I'm one of life's naturally loveable people :-/ But I do appreciate what you said. I had an accident with the stoma today (the bag leaked); lost it a bit over that. But I had the inklings of the inklings of an epiphany tonight: I don't want to make anything of it, in case it's nothing, but I almost thought I detected a brief feeling of acceptance towards the stoma for literally the first time since surgery. It was so faint, I'm not even sure it was real; you know, like when you're not sure if a memory from childhood was a dream or reality; only this was 30 minutes ago, but never mind.

Oh, and I don't mind people knowing my real name.

Again, thank you massively for your kind words. Hugs back to you. *hug* :p

@Trina - Thank you as well. Trouble is the lights always go out for me and I end up plunging back into darkness. Must be a lot of power cuts... :-/

@Angelic Victory - Yeah, that's a fair point of view. I do believe that going through tough times can sometimes make people tougher. However, I think too much suffering does break some people as well. I do sometimes wonder what makes one person able to cope and another person fall apart in an approximately similar situation. Like with most things in life, I suppose it's dependent on a million different variables, most of them unknowable.

I feel like I'm in the falling apart camp to be honest, but that's nothing new at least. I've been falling apart ever since I left school :-/

There is nothing that kids are more ruthless about than physical appearances and looking a bit different. I'm glad you've got more confidence about it now and can wear shorts. Luckily adults do tend to be a lot more mature than children in that respect, so you don't have to worry about dumbarse comments - at least I would like to think so.

I've got to go to bed now, suddenly too tired to think anymore. But goodnight folks and again thank you. Take care.