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Severely Depressed after Divorce

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Posted 10/12/2013 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Everyone,

It has been just over 2 months now since my divorce has been finalized.  Next month it will be a year since we have been living apart.

I have been completely unable to recover emotionally.  I never thought I had emotional problems, until this point in my life.  I am unable to find enjoyment in anything anymore.  I feel like I've lost the ability to laugh and think creatively.  I exist in a constant down state, and I feel powerless to escape. I've lost weight and struggle to find an appetite.  There's not much that motivates me in the morning to get up. It feels like the only solution is to have my wife and family back, and I know that's not possible, which feeds my depression even more.

We got divorced because my wife had been having an affair for nearly two years.  Of our six year relationship, and three years of our marriage, two of the years she spent cheating and lying to me.  I know I wasn't perfect, but I know we could have worked things out... I did everything I could to fight for and restore our marriage, even after finding out about the affair last November.  I signed us up for marriage counseling, and after six weeks, my ex-wife said it wasn't working and we stopped going.  She moved to her parents a week later, and I discovered she had been having a long term affair by reading some of her emails.

We have a four year old son together whom I miss dearly.  I have joint custody, but because of my work schedule, I still don't get to see him as often as I'd like.  I get him every Monday, and every other weekend.  Growing up, I didn't know my father, and I always knew being a father was one of the most important things to me.  I'd have done whatever it takes in order to remain a family. 

This couldn't have come at a worst time in my life.  When my ex had become pregnant, we were in no way financially prepared to raise a child.  She was 20 and I was 23.  I started going to school, and completed my degree in computer information systems, graduating last December... a month after discovering the affair.  I was hired in where I was already interning.  The company was then bought out by another company in january, and the IT department is far from popular because of all of the migration changes. 

With my depression relating to my divorce, it's caused me to hide away at work.  I really have no friends at work, and dread going there.  Everyone in the office is much older than me.  I have nothing to talk about, because I've been trying to cope with my depression and divorce day to day, and I don't want to be a downer at work.  I feel so overwhelmed and unappreciated at work, because everyone only sees what *doesn't* work.   

I am so unbelievably jaded.  I ask myself.... why did I work so hard to complete my degree to be stuck in a field I'm finding I despise,  and only to be left by my wife?  I have a decent paying job, but feel no better off financially than when we were receiving government assistance, because of the child support I pay.  I've had to give up some of my days with my son because of emergencies at work that has caused me to stay late.  It's very hard for me to concentrate at work, and I have to think critically often... My job performance has definitely slipped these last three or four months.  I live with some friends, but the transition from a family life to a single life has been very difficult for me.  I spend much of my time alone in my room.

Life has just lost its purpose for me.  I fantasize about quitting, and just working some factory job where I can punch in and punch out, and not have to worry about some computer failing that prevents a line from running, causing me to stay late and then not see my son... This doesn't feel like the way life should be to me, but now I feel so trapped because of the student loan debt I have, and child support obligations I now have.

I'm so unhappy at work and at home.  While completing my degree, I thought I'd be able to give my family a better life, and now I feel I just give my ex and her boyfriend a better life, while I spend most of my time alone wondering when I am going to feel happy again.  I used to be so motivated.  I know I'd be able to cope with the stresses of work if I didn't have to worry about it impacting the relationship with my son, and I had a core to come home to.

I've become despondent and a person I'm not proud of being.  I just don't give a **** anymore.  I used the last of my PTO Friday, and I don't know if I can stomach going into work Monday.   I just want my wife and family back.  I feel incapable of letting them go.  At times I contemplate , which is something I never even fathomed a year ago.  I used to work out regularly, and was someone people saw as an inspiration... having worked, helped raise a young child, while completing a degree.... but now I just feel like an utter failure. 

Thanks to anyone that's read this.  I know it's a bit of a rant.  I am just so lost.  I'm tempted to drive over to my exes apartment tonight, because I desperately miss her and could use the comfort.... but rationally I know it would only make things worst.  God, I feel so alone... I just want to feel loved and needed....

 

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 10/12/2013 1:41:08 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/12/2013 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
Well sir .............

   First, it sounds as though you've done just about all the right things possible in life so far. Try not to blame yourself for the straying of your wife in really the early years of a marriage. You need to be commended for the sacrifices it takes to go to school (college) while being married - and perhaps while working too. You have acomplished much. What I see, from what you've said here, is that you have done all of the things to be a great role model for your son - as he's growing up.

   I have a few parallels to your story .... and the biggest one was the regret of not being around my youngest daughter during nearly all of her childhood years. She was 3-years old when we separated. Our divorce took 14-months even though it was uncontested. I saw her every other week-end and typically two weeks during the Summer and several day during the Christmas season.

   She is 28-years old now, has a Masters Degree, and is a very well respected young person from everyone I have heard. She doesn't have a relationship with her Mother. I am sorry for that ...... but it is very true ... when a divorced spouse who has primary custody of a child and keeps blasting the ex-spouse to the child .... that child will hold the resentment against the blasting spouse.

   I know this is of no consolation to you.

   The reason I mentioned it, is try to always keep your child's best interest first ... and try to avoid mentioning anything about the ex-wife and her boyfriend to your son - no matter how much a situation may upset you.

   I never did for all those years, and my youngest daughter and I do speak, we see each other, she tells me about her fun things and about her work. Every time we get off the phone or see each other, she's often the first to say  "love you"! It means the WORLD to me!!!

   She hasn't seen her mother for two years!

   I do have an older daughter (who has two children) and there are problems there. I am seeing a psychologist to help me find a way of repairing whatever went wrong.

   Try to believe you can't fix everything by yourself. I think you do need to see a psychologist to help you perhaps gain some self-respect back. A psychologist can put so many things back into perspective for you because there is no emotional attachment for that professional.

   You mentioned "I just want my wife and family back". What I see is that your wife would just keep doing what she's doing ... and you'll keep hurting ..... or getting hurt even more at a later date.

   You do absolutely have every right to have your son be your son. He needs you and you need him. I know no one needs to remind you of that. So you must be around for him. You have the opportunity to be a fine role model for him. He'll love you for it. Trust me!!!!

   In summary ...... you're going thru likely the most difficult thing you may ever go thru in your life. Don't try to repress the emotions of it. You may find that a support group will help you immensely ... one for divorced people.

   I found one .... waited for 5-years before I looked .... but I found one and it helped in so many ways. You do need to go thru a period of mourning. As it was told to me by one support group years ago, the sadness and emptyness of a divorce is just as significant as the mourning of a spouse.

   Should you want to talk further, let me know. Or keep posting. I'm sure others will try to help in many ways.

Rob

  

Posted 10/12/2013 7:40 PM (GMT 0)
HI WhereIsMyMind,

Welcome to the depression forum. The one thing I want to touch on now is the fact that you need to learn to like your job. You really need it right now. Jobs are few and far between, and if you have one that pays good and keeps you going, don't part with it. Especially right now when the economy is so bad. So don't think about leaving for another job, unless you have the other job already.

I agree with Rob. Your ex would continue to do what she has been doing all this time. I for the life of me don't understand why people stay in a marriage when they are cheating. Maybe a short fling, but not two relationships going at the same time. That is so selfish. I don't think she will change either. I think your best bet is to see a psychologist to help you through this. And try to move ahead with your life. I think that the depression is clouding your mind and has removed your self worth. You sound like a very good person, stay that way...

Do spend as much time with your son as you can while he is young, and don't forget to take photos. They are so precious. Memories, they grow up fast, believe me...

I hope that you feel better soon.

Take care and keep posting.

Do check out the first thread on the forum called "resources". There is some good information there, and sites and numbers that you can call if you are in crisis. I am going to remove one word in your post as it could trigger other members.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/12/2013 9:18 PM (GMT 0)
I think you've accomplished a lot. I have 2 children and when they were small I went back to school for my nursing degree. It's hard.

I also was married to a cheater. Not only did he cheat but he did all he could to make sure I though he was the best I could hope for. That it was my fault he cheated. I think being cheated on is one of the worst things. You internalize a lot of hurt and even self loathing. You sound like me and I know I blamed myself for a long time. Eventually I realized that for someone to cheat there has to be something missing inside them. It's not us.

I have been in therapy and I've found it so helpful. It's helped me be more secure. I am not a door mat anymore.

Divorce is so hard when there are children involved. You sound like you're working hard to stay an important person to your son. Children respond to love. He knows you love him but tell him anyway. I always tell my kids that I will love them forever and no matter what. I never speak badly about their dad but he does speak badly about me. The kids hate spending time with him as a result.

You are doing what you need to do. Eventually the hurt will fade. For now, therapy and support groups will help you keep going. Everything you do now is for your son. Keep being such a great dad.
Posted 10/19/2013 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the response everyone.

Does anyone else have difficulty engaging in day to day interactions while depressed? I feel like I am incapable of being in the moment, and finding things to laugh about, something I used to be very good at. What scares me most is the impact I believe it's had on my memory. Not only my short term memory, but my long term memory. I have lost my ability to retrieve details. I'm able to recall a broad view of a memory, but unable to retrieve any details. Is this something that is common? Will my recall return when the depression fades? This is only something I've recognized as a problem in the last year, as I've gone through the divorce. My memory problems are making it difficult for me to escape the depression.

Today my son told me a story about how him, mom, and Cisko... the guy that my wife had the affair with and left me for... picked out pumpkins for Halloween. I find it so hard to share his excitement when I hold so much resentment for Cisko, and my ex wife for doing this to me. How do I learn to accept that this is what happened? How do I learn to accept that this man, who slept with my wife behind my back... who my wife lied to me regularly to go and visit while I stayed home with our son... is a regular part of my sons life?

It makes me so angry that I fought so hard for our marriage, that I was always faithful... that I was the one who stayed home with our son while my wife went to a "friends" and then just didn't end up coming home until the late afternoon the next day... and now I'm the one who gets the short end of the stick.

How come she gets to enjoy family time with my son and this man who betrayed me so badly? I want to be able to trust the people in my sons life... I will never trust this man.

I'm incapable of being the father I used to be. I feel like a broken and defeated man. I struggle to find the will to eat and get out of bed most days. I just don't have anything driving me like I used to be. I wish desperately I could snap out of it and enjoy life. The affair has just consumed me with thoughts of worthlessness... and its a stab in the stomach to hear my son talk about this man. I don't know how someone I loved so much could betray me so badly.

I tell Dylan I love him often, though I know I am not as present for him as I need to be. I am very preoccupied, and I just don't have the energy I used to.

I've never been a believer in God, but tomorrow I am going to church with a friend. I feel so desperate and lost. I need to find meaning again.
Posted 10/19/2013 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
It takes good time to get over these things. Give yourself credit for being a faithful husband and a good father. What comes around goes around. I do believe in karma. It just takes a little time for things to get back on track.

Are you going to any type of counseling? I think that would really help you. You need to get your self esteem back. Once you do, the talk about Cisko will not bother you anymore. You know he is a part of your son's life, and you can't change that. This is unfortunate, but a fact.

Be careful with getting into religion. I am not knocking it in any way. But it isn't always the best thing when we are depressed. I think getting out will be good for you though. And meeting people. There are very nice people that go to church. So I hope that it does you well.

You are grieving the life that you had. I am sorry that you are going through all this. But you will adjust and you will be okay. Talk to a counselor if you aren't already. You may even need an antidepressant to get through this.

Take care...

Feel better soon....

Hugs, Karen.....
Posted 10/19/2013 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
Have you considered going for primary custody of your son? After my divorce, having my kids and hearing their stories about their days has helped me live in the moment. I have recognized that all along all I wanted was to be a good mom. I didn't have that growing up and now I focus on being in tune with their needs. I'm doing my best to raise them to be good people. That's my purpose.

I do think therapy could be helpful or a divorce support group. I've been more down since separating from my husband. I started a new antidepressant and go to therapy. It helps you realize you're not alone with these feelings. My ex is engaged to an 19 year old girl that he met while teaching. I'm upset that she will be a mother figure to my kids. I'm upset that their father is lazy, unwilling to support them, and marrying a former student. I can't fix any of that so I make sure they know they mean the world to me. That's all you can do.
Posted 11/17/2013 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
I can empathize with all you've reported. It hurts like you never could have imagined, and it feel like you are in someone else's body, this could never have happened to you. its not real, it's just a movie. but it is real.

one, you have to tell yourself and have your confidants, friends family remind you several times a day that "what is fair" is not going to help you. none of this is fair, fair is not in the equation. tell yourself several times a day on schedule mantras, such as "dont dwell, dont dwell" and then positive affirmations, such as "one day at a time", and "it will get better, slowly". Telling yourself these things, even out loud, several times a day become reality eventually.

Your kid is your focus. He brings you happiness, he is your relief (and also admittedly reminds you of the sadness, but you have to cope with that part). There is no zero sum. You and your kid get more happiness and benefit by you giving him quality time, then there is sadness that goes with that. Your custody arrangement isn't very equitable, can you renegotiate that

You work in IT - that is a lonely profession in many ways, and very very analytical and challenging. So do I. Fight that loneliness by forcing yourself to have quality conversations with people, even strangers. You will feel like you dont care about what they have to say, you will feel distracted, right now you are so focused on your sadness. But....listening to people talk connects you to other humans, to a group, and right now you need as much as anything to feel connected to other humans and to a group, even if they are strangers and you dont have anything in common with them. stay away from solitude, just be around other people.

Go to the beach, cafe or just walk around stores and streets. Stay amongst people. You may feel like stranger in a sea of people, but its still a lot better than dwelling at home. staying at home or overdoing it online is not going to help you. pubs and bars are fine, possibly, but there's a lot of destructive behavior there that can drive you deeper into depression and do you no good. be very very careful. but they are social, so in moderation, they are probably fine.

Talk to a new person every day or every other day. dont worry if you dont think you have the social skills. talking is all about listening, and listening with interest. people want to tell you about their lives, show interest, even though you are faking it right now. new people fill the emptiness, even if its someone you dont have anything in common with

Stop thinking about the girl who done you wrong. i go through that all the time. it just is. your self esteem is shot, and you gave everything to build a family, and this is what you get for it. it is the worst. But again, you cant think about fair or unfair. think about your son's welfare and your welfare and dig deep to rebuild for those two reasons. you are your son's hero, you need to be his hero, he still sees you as the most important person in his life.

when it's very hard to concentrate, socialize, work or whatever, look at that picture of your kid and you, and remember that you are his hero, and your goal right now is to work, live and rebuild so you can grow him into a great man. He and you are a team. You may not see him much, but you are a team and you need to think about him and lift him up, by lifitng yourself up no matter how hard that is

Love, cheating etc is nothing. there's always another girl out there to love. theres another family possibly out there. Love your child, work one day at a time slwoly to love yourself. the ex wife will be out of your mind soon enough

And stay away from thoughts of revenge, fairness etc. it does your son no good. He needs stability. if your ex doesnt see that, its your job as a man to stand up for that. and stability means a mom and dad -- though separated -- who are civil with each other

good luck.. you are not alone
Posted 11/17/2013 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi landonD,

Welcome to the depression forum. That was a very nice and insightful post. Feel free to start a thread about yourself if you want to. We could get to know you better that way...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/14/2018 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hello!

I know this is an old post but I do am struggling greatly with the depression after divorce from an affair. It has been about the same amount of time as WhereIsMyMind and I was wondering how you are doing now?? Hopefully well?? I would like to hear how you made it through and how long it took for you to feel better??

Hope to hear some good news!
Posted 6/14/2018 5:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christygirl,

Welcome to the depression forum. You are right, this is an old thread, but you never know when somebody will respond. I too am curious how the situation is going.

Feel free to start a thread of your own and we can discuss how things are going for you too. I hope you are doing well.

Keep posting as it really does help.

Hugs, Karen...
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