Holiday Blues

Hello all,

I am a chronic depression sufferer. I lost my father at age 9, 1 of my brothers 6 months later, my mother when I was 12, and then my best friend at age 16. I am the youngest of 6 kids but my siblings and I are not close at all.

I have been off and on antidepressants since I was 19 or 20. I have been in therapy for about 7 years now and I have made progress but there is a subconscious part of my brain that gets depressed around the holidays no matter what I do. I have had problems with alcohol and pain medication trying to numb the sadness that is always just beneath the surface. It is amazing what you can hide from people with just a smile.

I am home alone on a holiday. Will be again on Christmas day. My husband is a firefighter and is working both holidays this year. I have no where to go. I have acquaintances but no real friends. My brothers live far away and my sister (who live in my town) and I are barely speaking. My brothers, who all 10 to 15 years older, have not been involved in my life since mom died. I speak to them 1 or times a year. I lived with my sister and her husband from age 12 to 18, but they dropped me off at college and I have been on my own since. She lost her husband 2 years ago and no matter how much I tried to develop a closer relationship with her, she never respected me as an adult and has said some really cruel and insulting things to me (like I am weak because I need antidepressants and go to therapy and I need to get over the death of my parents). I have limited my contact with her for my own protection.

I just feel apathetic towards everything. I wonder what is the point? To any of this! We develop relationships, work, accumulate stuff and stories, we may affect people through our work (I am a nurse) but then we die. And then the people who loved you die and then it's like you were never here. I am an atheist and believe that when we die- that's it. Lights out.

I refuse to have children. I know my depression would affect them negatively as my mother's depression affected me. I don't think I have enough energy or love for kids. I focus all my love on my pets- more than I should. I have a hard time showing affection with my husband, especially when my depression is worsening. He has a bit of a hero complex and I have come to think I was the ultimate challenge for him to save. He is absolutely wonderful to me and I don't understand why he stays with me. I am distant, moody, and can be a total ***** sometimes. I have very little self-confidence. My husband exudes confidence and is very popular where ever he goes. I feel like Robin to his Batman.

I guess I am here to talk to others who suffer. Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time in my head analyzing things I say, do or think. I need to bounce some of this off other people- I can't go to therapy everyday! Thanks for listening.

J

Hi J...

Welcome to the depression forum. I too am sorry that you are going to be alone for the holidays, but make a different day your celebration and like Michele said, plan something nice for yourself.

Things don't always go the way we want or expect them too. We have to learn to go with the flow. I do that a lot.

You suffered a lot of losses at an early age. That is something you need to work through so you can put it behind you. It is an experience that we cannot change. So we learn to accept it.

Try to look at what you do have as compared to what you don't. Think positive. It takes practice, but it can be. Life is short. We have to enjoy it while we can.

Stay away from mind altering drugs. The alcohol and pain meds aren't the answer. Both of them make you more depressed. So in partaking in them, you are only making it impossible to get better. You may feel good at the time, but in time it takes a toll on your mind and body. So talk to a counselor or a doctor on ways to get off of these substances.

I honestly know what you are going through. It isn't easy. It feels like end of your world. And as long as you are depressed, you feel like you aren't living. There is someone inside though. Desperately trying to get out. You need help. You want help. We will help you as much as we can, but you have to take steps to get better by talking to your doctor or counselor. Please do so, so you can start your healing journey...

Keep posting, know that we care about you.

Hugs, Karen...

HW515 ..........

   You're not alone.

   Your story is yours - but you're not alone.

   I would like to say one thing about alcohol though. I have lived alone for over 20-years ..... result of a divorce after over 20-years of marriage - and the refusal to get re-married!!!!

   During most of those lonely years, I drank too much. A little over three years ago, I stopped smoking ... and all of a sudden, drinking didn't do anything for me at all anymore. I stopped!!!!

   I was delighted to realize I was not an alcoholic ... but more importantly, the drinking just amplified the depression. The temporary relief was always followed by more depression - an endless cycle!

  

   I too have a very dear pet. He is my personal rock. At times, he is my reason for living! Try not to underestimate the value of some of the things in your life - and try not to think too much. Easy to say - not so easy to do. I know - spent much of my life doing that too!

   Keep bouncing things off of us when you feel like it!

Rob and Gizmo

  

Thank you all for the support.

I just want to clarify that my drug and alcohol problems are in the past. I have not used them inappropriately in several years.

I look forward to being able to share my thoughts this holiday season with a group that understands some of how I feel.

J

Oh yes and I challenged myself to make my own Christmas dinner once, that was interesting!! errm should have wrapped the chicken in foil I think!!

Any comments I make on cooking...should be looked up for their validity, as cooking is certainly 'Not' my strong point! :D

Hey J ...

I've hesitated to say much on the boards here but you said some things that hit home for me. When my mother passed away she told us kids that her passing would either bring us all together or tear us apart. How did that turn out? Well, our once-close family is scattered around the world and hasn't been together since we lost her. And only two of us really speak to each other. So I find the holidays difficult, too.

I thought I was at the beginning of a new and incredible relationship with someone but it didn't work out as I had hoped. That has cast me right back into the painful loneliness I've felt for so long and hidden from everyone until now. Well, I guess it's still hidden since we're anonymous here. ;)

So, like many others, I too will probably be spending Christmas by myself. Just don't seem to be winning much right now but I have no doubt things will change when the time is right. Seems to happen that way when I think I can't feel any worse.

There are some good suggestions posted for you to consider. If you can get out you should do so. Try not to be surrounded by the same walls all day. My plan is to do at least one thing that makes me feel good. So weather permitting, I'm going for a long drive - maybe feel the need for speed. After that I think I'll follow in HappyBean's footsteps and make my own Christmas dinner. This can be dangerous given my history of accidental injury when I try new things (hasn't stopped me yet though!).

I'm not an athiest but I'm not very religious either. I don't KNOW that there's something when we leave this world but I also don't know there's not. As far as the life we're living goes; one thing I've learned time and time again is that you never know what's just around the corner. Yes, there will always be good and bad but just when you think you've seen it all and what's the point, that's when surprises can come. Live to see what comes your way - sounds like you're due for some positives!

And I'll check in here throughout the day on Christmas if anyone wants to vent or just chat. :)

Post Edited (zzzhound) : 11/29/2013 11:56:49 PM (GMT-7)