Just wanted to encourage anyone else out there suffering
with various forms of depression to take a moment today to quiet your mind,
maybe do a minute or two of breathing or mindfulness meditation if you find
this helpful and take note of something you're grateful for.
This is something I am committing myself to do mostly for
myself, but I hope this may help someone else out there too.
Today, my wife texted me that she loves and always believes
in me, and I know it is true (though at the same time, it is hard to believe).
I have been in a dark, downward spiral for a long, long time now with ups and
downs, but mostly it seems to sink into ever deepening hopelessness.
In my depressed condition, I spend entirely too much time in
despair, anger, hopelessness and other depleting states of emotion. It is part
of the disease. At root, a lot of this is caused be fear and selfishness, which
are actually choices. CBT and related approaches teach that unpleasant life
events happen. Next comes a thought (a mental interpretation, perspective)
about the circumstance. It is after this, that the emotion comes. And then last
the behavior or action. We cannot control feelings--the emotions--directly
(though over time, we can learn to act against and despite them and thus reduce
the constancy or intensity of them). Where we can most effectively improve to a
more positive cycle is in the thought/perspective/interpretation we choose to
have about life's events - simplified, this is called attitude and we have a
choice in the matter if we can pause and be mindful that we are in fact
choosing how to interpret things. It is often hard work, but worth it, and I often
find that it actually takes about the same amount of work and mental energy to
choose to view life hopelessly.
One conscious approach or perspective, interpretation or
thought, is to choose, in advance to be grateful for.....the day, a place to
live, a TV, edible food, a friend or family member.
Today, my oldest daughter turned 5. We have very little and
I spend so much time in regret, disappointment, anger, fear, etc. over how I
have failed to provide more security for them, let alone the poor example of a
good parent and leader I feel I have been. But I am still here, living - and
they are grateful for this, and I choose to be grateful that they are such
wonderful people - and even though it doesn't seem like it, some part of that
is because of me. Regardless, when I am choosing to be grateful, it is
impossible to wallow in the self pity of my learned helplessness.
Here’s wishing everyone out there well today.