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Posted 12/15/2013 5:09 AM (GMT 0)
Oh i am so mad!!!!!!! I spoke to my counselor about my problem and he said that I should not be scared to put a time limit on this decision of his. If he has had a year to think about it and should know what he wants. I have had you all and my family and friends tell me the same thing. So I told him last night that I wanted to know where he was in mind and he called me unreasonable and told me that he has only been thinking about this for a week!!!! He told me that he would never have authority over my son.

We not only text this but I also called him to talk over the phone since we could not be face to face. He said that if I was going to rush him that his answer was no! That he is trying to " Make it okay not to have kids of his own". I have not talked to him today, I have not had the time or the desire to fight with anyone about anything.

I have talked to everyone I know about this and they all say that i am in the right to want a decision sooner rather then later, I also feel this way but he is trying to make me feel like the bad guy.

I am not sure what to do or think right now. Good news is that in the next 2 months i will be fixed and this will be a no brainer for anyone.

Mom and Dad celebrate 34 year together and I am so happy for them! Cant ssay that about many couples anymore.

Well there is the update. Love you all and goodnight. any advice and your opinions are welcome.
Posted 12/15/2013 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
He deserves time to decide. This is not an easy decision. A week isn't much time to decide if you can change all of the plans you had made for his life. I know I had planned on kids being an important factor in my life since I was a teenager. Now he needs to look at his life and see if he can be happy without something that is obviously important to him.

What he said about authority over your son is a valid feeling. As someone who has been a step kid countless times and someone who remarried with kids from a prior relationship I can say being a step parent is hard. Some kids will never give the step parent the chance to be a parent while some biological parents never give the step parent a chance. Think about it, are you and your son going to be comfortable with this man making medical , discipline, academic, and any other decisions pertaining to your son?

My advice, step back and give him time. He needs it and honestly, a quick decision would concern me. Don't rush him. It's a bit insensitive to expect a decision so quickly.
Posted 12/15/2013 10:48 AM (GMT 0)
I feel he has known the situation since he has been with you. He knows you can't have anymore kids, so he should know something by now. I agree, he has had time to think. But if others say he needs more time, maybe he does.

He should be able to love your child like his own. He shouldn't feel the way he does, but I guess he does. I wouldn't necessarily worry about being able to correct your son if I were him. I would just love him. I guess I think differently than others.

Sorry if I make it more complicated...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/15/2013 4:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hello S2S ........

   I'm going to try to speak to you as a father figure type. As I've said once before, I have a 28-year old daughter who I am close to. But I also have a 37-year old daughter who seems to want me out of her life right now. There are two grandchildren there also. And .... we lost what would have been a 32-year old son by now - long ago in pregnancy.

   I was married for 23-years ... before the divorce started. The divorce was at least an 80% communications problem. So not only do I highly respect a long (forever type) marriage, I come from a seriously broken home myself.

   I myself, by the age of 6-years old, had 3 different father figures in my life. As I grew up, two of those father figures remained in my life. I had good feelings for both ... so it can happen.

   My stepfather is the one who raised me from the age of 5 to 6-years old. He was my role model for a man while growing up. While I called or refered to him as my father, and my birth father refered to as Dad .... it was a confusing thing for a child to deal with.

   But ..... I did deal with it! And, my stepfather could not have children, so I never had a chance for a brother or sister. It was not a disaster being an only child - if you've given that any thought for your son!

   So ....... I gave you my brief background - and that was for credibility for what I'm about to say.

   Your counselor was right in being able to put some kind of a time limit on it for your BF. AV was absolutley right in saying that he does need some time for a decision too.

   You and your BF are looking at it from two completely different perspectives though. Now, what kind of time limit?

   First, if you can ....... don't text important stuff like this! Communications do need some time ... some thought ... and some delivery tecniques - if you will.

   It's too easy to text!!!!! A moments decision can come out by either of you .... and the other interprets it the wrong way .... and there's the beginning of a fight! 

   It is so much better to face-to-face talk to someone. You both deserve the honor of the time spent to do that for each other! Maybe, it's a needed sign of respect .... maybe it's because you can look into each others eyes or touch each other. But - save the texting for inconsequential stuff.

   Did it ever come up with the counselor about how much time he should have? Whatever timeframe is used, I think it needs to be a negotiation between the two of you.

   And that's good practice if you do get married .... or simply stay as significant others when it comes time for big decision-making.

   I'm sure you realize that there are a ton of big decisions coming in the future even just regarding your son. And let me just say, from my own experiences, that a son can get really close with his stepfather. So if that's a concern, speak with your counselor about it.

   I hope some of this has helped without intruding on your privacy. You have very big decisions to make .... and it's not only just your BF's decisions.

Rob & Gizzy

     

Posted 12/15/2013 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
It is really hard making important decisions like this on both parts. I believe a person can love another person's child like their own. Especially if they are watching them grow up from a very little child. I would try to relax with this. I think we are all trying to solve it, and it is a decision that takes time. I can understand his want to have a child of his own. But I think he loves you and your child, and I really believe that he will stay with you. Just don't let this be used against you. Make it clear to him that he has known this. But that you love him too. This is ultimately for you and him to work out. I wish you all the best. I know that the right thing is going to work out. Try not to make the lists anymore. Unless it is positive things.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/15/2013 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
Have you asked him how much time he would like to have? This is not an argumentative question, but a literal one. What does he need to be able to think clearly and then decide? You ought to be able to give him that.

The rest of the stuff, sorry KAren, AV, and Rob, is, in my opinion, just 'stuff' that clogs up his ability to decision make, and puts pressure on him that has nothing to do with his ability to make a decision. Just my two cents. Arguments have a tendency to make matters unclear, and to get clogged up with a whole bunch of unnecessary info.

Ask him what you can give him in order to be able to make this decision for himself, that you respect his need, and then give him that time without pressure. The rest is the rest, meaning it can come later. One thing at a time.
Posted 12/15/2013 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
I ha e asked about how long he thinks he may need and he says " I dont know"! As most of you know this has been on his mind for a year now. I ha e asked why this is approblem now and he says that for the past week it has been heavily on his mind.

My counselor says no longer than 30 days. I never want to pressure anyone into anything. I also know that I may have to in this case and it makes me sad.

My already wants this man as his father, his sperm donor is not around by the grace of god. So for 8 years he has had no dad at all.

I do agree being face to face is the best way to do anything of this nature.

I hate lists of this sort as feeling become hurt and anger becomes present also.

I am not sure what is what right now but I know my stress level is through the roof as my stomach is upset and my heartburn is very bad.
Posted 12/15/2013 9:58 PM (GMT 0)
We all through rough times. It is hard, but it is how we as humans manage to get along and work together.

Tell him, then, that you will give it until New Year's, and he will have to come to a decision by then. Again, offer your help, and tell him you love him, and make a date on 2 January to have the conversation.

It is hard.

Remember-your child has nothing to do with this. It really doesn't matter what he wants or doesn't want. As his parent, you get to make the decisions for him. No dad at all is better than one that will disappear.
Posted 12/16/2013 12:14 AM (GMT 0)
Try to clear your mind and relax. Worrying about this is only going to be too much stress for you. Learn meditation for things llike this.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/16/2013 4:53 AM (GMT 0)
He ended it tonight. He can't decide so he just ended it. Just wanted to update everyone. I feel a bit better.
Posted 12/16/2013 5:55 AM (GMT 0)
I think he made the right decision. If he couldn't decide then it would be something that bothered him.

My husband can't father children. When we got married I had 2 children so I didn't think it would bother me. Then we had a miracle happen, I was pregnant. We lost that baby in a miscarriage in the first trimester. The dr said it was a miracle and that chances of it ever happening again are almost non existent. Since then, I do have feelings wanting another baby. I thought I'd dealt with it before we married but that miracle opened my mind to the possibility. I love my husband, we are estranged now, but not having more children has been on my mind. I can resign myself to not having more children but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sad sometimes.

My point is, even when you say you can handle something it may bother you. I loved my husband enough to give up that dream but I still was sad about giving it up. I don't know if this helps you but if your bf wanted kids as much as I have then even considering giving that up for you was a big deal. Hopefully, that will help ease any hard feelings and bitterness. Maybe he can remain in your son's life as a friend.
Posted 12/16/2013 10:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi S2S,

I am so sorry to hear this. But you sound like you are handling it very well. We can't be everything to everybody I guess. Take it one day at a time from here. Keep posting, it does help. And know we are all here for you.

Take care hon...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/16/2013 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hey S2S,

Now catching up...
I'm sorry he couldn't decided and ended it. However, it may have happened for the better. He had lots of time to think about it and did not decide yet. This may have kept going on if he did not end it.

I'm glad to hear you say you feel a bit better. I really hope you are okay. We're here for you.

UA
Posted 12/16/2013 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hello S2S .........

   Be brave - and keep venting! Get it all out when needed!

Rob & Gizzy

 

Posted 12/16/2013 6:00 PM (GMT 0)
AV I am so sorry for your miscarriage. I would just be beside myself with pain if that happen to me. I do want another child but the risks far out weigh the benefit. Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry your marriage is not well either.

Karen This sounds bad even as I think it but I am glad it is done. The stress is almost gone from this and my stomach is calming down.

UA This was all for the best. He is a good person but he was not the person for me is all.

Rob Thank you and I will vent as needed. I think once this is all said and done it is what is best for all involved. Thanks hun.

JB1 Yes moving on is what I will be doing. I have so much other stuff to deal with that this was not the added stress needed.

He will not stay in my sons life this is not the kind of man I want to be here for him. My son has is Pa( my dad) for a role model and that is the way God has seen fit to keep it.

Thank you all again, this has been a very big help and I am glad that everyone was able to give advice and I was able to vent without someone trying to "fix" this for me. Thank you again everyone.
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