relationships

Why are relationships so hard?

I am waiting for my husband to tell me he is leaving me. After my last huge hormonal blow up at him, he has not acted the same. He told me that he was leaving because he couldn't make me happy. Of course, I begged him to stay. He's said he will stay but all of his actions show me that he is just pulling away more and more.

He hasn't said more than 10 words to me all day or any day for that matter. We primarily text because our work hours are so different. I literally didn't see him all week because he's been getting home around 11:30 every night because he's suddenly going to the gym to get healthy and rehabilitate his foot from foot surgery. I KNOW he is going because my son meets him there. I'm usually in bed early for a 5 AM wake up call.

Today he's home but as usual he is in our bedroom watching tv and not communicating with anybody. I've tried talking to him about the problem- how I feel him inching away more day by day and he says everything is "fine" and is "ok". His actions don't show me that. He hasn't even held my hand or touched me for 5 months.

I think he may be waiting for the first nice paycheck he makes in the new year and then he will leave. Believe me, when I was treated different, I enjoyed our marriage. Since he threatened to leave, I've done a 180 turn around. I am very careful with my words and my actions. I am trying to show him and tell him that I care but it feels like it's falling on deaf ears.

I also shared with him recently that I think I'm in peri-menopause. He obviously doesn't know what to do with me right now. Although I'm acting like I am "fine" on the inside I am not. I completely see my life falling apart around me and I don't have any more scotch tape to hold it together. I am just spent. It's all I can do to get up every morning and go to work. Let alone, try and work on our relationship. I've been trying to use the CBT skills that I have learned before I speak- I am also reframing my thoughts.

I am not sure what else I can do. I feel like I am just sitting here waiting for the final ax. This situation is not helping my depression at all. I just spiral down more and more each day.

And kind words or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading-
Michele

Sorry you both feel your relationships are hopeless. Giving up is not really an answer though.

Try some open and honest communication with your spouse. It is not easier and yes it may open you up for more pain. However, it may just open the road to a new and better relationship.

I have been married 24 years now and it has not always been love and sunshine. But we always talked about the hard stuff, how we felt. One time I made my husband talk by threatening to smash the china. I do not reccommend this but it worked for me that time.

Couples counceling is a good recommendation and going to your religious service of choice together is another. sharing times together help.

Never give up hope.

Peace
Trina

I hope that you all can work this out. Both of you.

Try not to read into things that aren't there or spoken. Your train of thought is going to see negative. So if he says he is fine, take it at face value only. You may be borrowing trouble by thinking other wise.

Take it slow, get the lines of communication open. Couples counseling is a good idea.

best wishes to you both.

Hugs, Karen...

Hello Michele:

   I think Trina hit it perfectly ...... and Karen and UA added appropriately.

   While we're not all so lucky to let's say being "married to our best friend" - as I recall Trina saying at least once. And in a perfect world, I think that's just what most would like to have. I know I wanted it!

   But the reality is ..... it's tough living with and "growing" with another person - especially the "growing with" because we all change from time-to-time. And sometimes, the changes are not always better - when viewed by the other person.

   Money problems are always tough .... but communicating is the key regardless of what the problem is. I remember so well, those very quiet days which grew to quiet weeks! Non-communicating just prolongs the inevitable.

   As I'm sure you agree, seeing a counselor once doesn't do a thing for you. I'm sure you have heard enough of the "men from mars vs. women from venus" thing. We often think much differently (men vs. women)! And that makes it very possible, if not likely, to misinterpret much when very little talking is going on.

   The mind wanders ... and it's usually in a negative direction. There's only one way to handle it.

   ya gotta talk!!!! talk him into seeing a counselor - than go with him!@!

Hope you both try it!

Ropb & Gizzy

 

Hey guys...

I am fine. Things still aren't "back to normal" and it really concerns me. BUT, I am trying to reframe those negative thoughts.

Carl some things you said hit home...but not in the way you think. I've only been married a year and a half so we haven't had one experience like you mentioned- no neighbor talking, helping with the kids, etc.....I had all of those experiences with my ex-husband.

This relationship is NOTHING like we used to have and I miss what I used to have. I know relationships evolve as time goes on, but I don't like what we've become. When I try to bring it up to him, he says every thing is "OK". I've tried expressing my feelings and what I want our relationship to be and nothing changes.

I'll continue to go to counseling on my own since he won't come with me.

I'm just going with the flow and not trying to have any expectations......... Can't get let down that way......

Michele

Thanks Carl! :)

Well my friends... every thing is out on the table. He's not happy in our relationship and neither am I. It doesn't look like our relationship is strong enough to survive this. I take full responsibility for my part of this failure.. but I am still devastated.

Gentle hugs sweetheart.

So is it worth giving him time Carl? You know that he's been in sales his whole life so this approach would make sense. I view " needing time" as I'm leaving- just need to get some cash so I can leave. Prolonging the inevitable. But I'll try your approach if you think it is valid.

Now I'm in a similar boat as S2S... How long do you give. I don't want to live in limbo.... I just can't do it anymore....

Try to take it one day at a time and see what happens, you don't want to rush into anything, but you don't want to sit in limbo. I would keep communication open, talk about it a lot and make some definite plans. Let him know you don't have forever but give him a couple of days anyway. This is so hard to put a time limit on, that is why one day at a time is the best thing. Sleep on it and talk about it tomorrow.

I am sorry for what you are going through. This isn't easy. But you aren't fighting, you are talking.

Take it slow...

Hugs, Karen...

Well it's 3:39 in the morning and I am wide awake. Not good. I am usually a sound sleeper, but imagine, I have things on my mind.

My son left me a note that the washer was broken so I think I just fixed it. What else is there to do at this time?

Thanks everyone for their support. It means the world to me right now when I feel so alone.

JB, I'd LOVE to go to counseling together- he won't do it. Why? I don't know.

I am just going to take it a day at a time. But I am not going to continue to act like everything is ok now that I know it isn't.

Thanks again!
Michele

Hugs, kid.

Just because things are messy now doesn't mean they won't be better. But you both have to work at it.

Take it one day at a time Michele. I imagine that the holidays could be depressing for him at this time. It happens to a lot of us. Being that he isn't leaving is a good sign, that is if you want him to stay. I am sure he isn't taking this decision lightly.

I hope for you the best. Keep hanging in there. Don't rush things... This could effect your whole life.

Luv and hugs, Karen...