Feeling lost need some advice.

Hi my name is Roselina.

I wasn't too sure where to put this or really what to say as it's all swirling around in my head right now. So if it comes out jumbled, I apologise. I'm currently 21 years old, when I turned 16 I became a carer for my mother who has FMD and had her leg amputated. Before my grandmother was her carer however she passed away from cancer. She needs physical support as well as mental support in day to day life. It was hard, draining and isolating. My aunt took over when she moved here to my state last year. Before caring for my mother the only experience in work I ever really had was in a childcare centre for work experience in high school.

I volunteered at an op shop for eight months in order to gain experience and redid my year 12 to gain higher test results. I also acquired one home cleaning job which then branched out into four, although now I have two. I am thankful I have at least for these two jobs but after a year and a half nearly of trying to find contract work without any luck I'm feeling frustrated and anxious that I never will be able to support myself fully. When I look around at everyone else my age, they have steady jobs and certificates in courses they've completed. I know life isn't a competition but it makes me feel like I'm really lagging behind. When I say I worry that I won't ever get a job, I literally sit there when I have nothing to do and think non stop about it. Most of the time I'll be crying and hate to be on my own...which is often now that my aunt is caring for my mum and I'm unemployed basically. I'm the type of person who is happiest when I have a purpose, or I'm being productive.

I've also had a blow to my social life. I had a friend...who wasn't really a friend, turned out she really despised me for being skinnier than her. I told her basically all of my problems...and I don't like to tell many people about my situation with my mother as people either tend to pity or judge me. I used to pour my heart out to her. So she went and back stabbed me and joined a group of girls in this social community who didn't like me. This community is a cosplay one, so it's a bit like modelling only with anime costumes. Photo shoots and such. I'm literally a stick, and from previous experience in an all girl's school...some immature girls tend to not like that. So now this whole community knows about my situation...only my old friend decided to twist to the truth and has been telling people, that there's nothing wrong with my mother and that I just don't want to work.

Whenever I go to a convention (which was my escape from all my home duties and a way to relax and have fun) I have people...sometimes people I don't even know staring at me and looking me up and down, I get the vibe that they don't want me there. They stare at me like I'm some kind of exotic animal. I'm not quite sure what else she has said to them to have that effect. So not only am I crying and fretting about the future, I have all these people I don't even know judging me.

I want normal things, to be able to have friends, go out to these conventions and enjoy myself, have a nice job, meet someone, have a relationship., later on get married and have kids. (I know that's far away from now) but I feel like I'm so far behind that I might never to catch up to anyone else. I've only had one boyfriend, when I was 19 and it didn't last very long. Instead I'm constantly isolated, disliked by most people in this community who know most of my personal business and worried sick I'm not going to get anywhere.

On top of that, I can see my mother is worried she might lose me once I have all the things I want. Since we spent so much time together, it was just me and her for so long. It's a very strong bond. I feel this guilt when I am out with the very few friends I have now, that I should still be there for her. I know her life has been very hard and she gets lonely quite often.

I just don't know how to deal with this all. If someone could just give me some advice or tell me something similar they've been through, so I don't feel as alone in this.

Hi Roselina,

And welcome to the depression forum. I agree with Rob, you need a life of your own too. And don't feel guilty about having one. You are a blessing to your mother, remember that.

It sounds like a lot of people are jealous of you. Maybe it is because you are thin, or pretty, I don't know, but know jealousy causes people to do strange things.

I think you will have a good life. Just keep trying and keep doing the things you need to for yourself and for your mother. Know though at some time, you will need to move on and make a life for yourself. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Keep posting, and know we do care.

Hugs, Karen...

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I apologise for my lengthy message, looks like I wrote a chapter for a book.

I am trying to keep my faith in the hope of better times. It's just disheartening when I receive email after email stating I have been unsuccessful in job roles because others are more experienced. I've tried shops from Target to fast food places like McDonalds. I've had a couple of interviews but I think once again there were people also being interviewed who had more experience and I'm naturally quite a shy person, which may have hindered my progress. I did have a job with a private dog grooming business, but the woman since September has been constantly sending messages about doing training in two weeks time...three weeks time...just repeat that for four months. I did apply for a course next year, I know It won't give me a job but It's something which would make me happy and having a certificate from this campus could only help. It's a certificate in Visual Arts full time.

I don't really know what to do with myself with all this free time. I feel like a bird trapped in a cage right now.

With my old friend and the community, despite cosplay being a hobby some of them take it very seriously. For me it was just fun and a way to relax. I usually get the end of the anorexic or bulimic jokes, so I can only imagine it was because I'm skinny (she also let it slip out once) and my friend was a social climber. Though she blamed her behaviour on her dissociation. Not sure If It was true or not. I don't think that meant she had the right to tell people my business and then twist it.

I'll try to release my feelings of guilt. I'm just not sure how to push it out of my mind. I understand I have a right to live my life but I really feel for her own situation and I know how she gets.