At first, I don't know what to say but, I analyze myself back to the core.
I've grown to self-repression, in which case, I kept my own desires locked and doing things that will please the people around me especially, my family. I know that I'm avoiding things that'll put me at high risk, but it ended up with a depressed state.
I don't know how to be happy anymore (or do I deserve happiness or not). I just don't know how to please myself around my family and I just can't say what I want. I live to fulfill my family's goal, and I've grown in a very authoritarian family system, which is ruled by my grandpa and grandma with their military background.
They'll feel displeased on everything that I did, eventhough I've done my best on it. My parents are away and I just feel sick of living with my grandparents. They tend to be more overprotective since I'm the only granddaughter they have, but I'm 18, preparing myself to be an adult, but they seemed not ready to accept the fact that I've grown up and not a little child any longer.
What I want, is that I can feel what freedom is, the freedom to make my own decision and decide my happiness. I've already said what I want to them, but in return, they accused me for being a rebel, who want to live without any strict rules. I've accustomed to follow every single thing of their rules and still, they're displeased.
And since the complicated problem between my family and bf (I've a thread about
this before), my grandparents get too far by invading my privacy (asking as if my bf texted me, met me, or anything), which I couldn't accept. If I say that I can't accept them invading my privacy, especially my relationship with people or boys, they'll say that I'm a naughty girl who won't bent down to the rules they made. My parents couldn't help with my grandparents doing, which is a very big obstacle for me because I've to face them everyday with those inproper actions.
I just feel like I can't make any decision for myself and I'm living just for obeying their decisions, they won't take a 'no' for it. Everything that I do is wrong in theiir eyes, although my friends and parents already told me that I did the right thing. My minuses are, I'm an over-thinking person and I can't help it. My thoughts are killing me each time and these resulting to worsen my anxiety attack disorder.
Last night, I have a big quarrel with them over something and then the anxiety attack was the worst I've ever had. I got no medication and I had to bear with my grandparents action + my own anxiety. They thought that I'm over-reacting, totally oblivious to my mental state. My days get worsen with this problem. I've had financial issues too, since my grandma always borrows my money and whenever I want it back she always said "I've put so much money to your living and you want your money back? Give me back the money I spend for your living all these years since you were a child."
I was taken aback with those words, and I think that I'm living a burden, to pay them back for the money they've spent for me, back when my parents were jobless, although in my age, I'm still not permitted to take side jobs in my country. I wonder how will this affect my life later on... I just couldn't take it. I have to continue and focus on my college, but what they did is just burdening me with my own goal.
What should I do?
Post Edited (mchle) : 12/22/2013 8:26:34 AM (GMT-7)