Posted 12/29/2013 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,
This is my first post in healingwell forums, so first of all, I wish you a happy new year and want to say hi. I am a 24 years old male as of now, and you are all awesome people!
I have waded through posts, read really valuable posts, shared many others' worries and I wanted to share my problems with you all. I am sure what I'm about to say must've been written many times before but, anyway, I'll give it a go. I am pretty nervous because I have always been shy about sharing my problem so openly, so please forgive me beforehand for any silliness I might cause :)
Since my childhood, I have always been a shy and somewhat awkward person. I've never known a period of time when I could blend into any group of people with ease. I have always felt distant in some way, even as a little kid, I was conscious about my alienation, but, until I started college, I could deal with it in one way or other. Being an introvert wasn't much of an issue for me because eventually I would go back home, and feel safe in my safe home.
I am not sure if it's relevant to my problems today, but during my first year at college, I was involved in a traffic accident, I was just passing across the street and a huge truck crashed its way through other cars waiting for the green light, and hit me and my childhood friend and many others, my right foot got crushed, stitched back and my friend passed away. I never felt like it was a problem that ruined my life or anything, I still feel like it was a tragic accident and that's all but after that accident, I had my first panic attack, and up to this day, I have had a total of 2 panic attacks and 2 migraine attacks which progressively became less and less violent and since 3 years, I haven't had a single attack whatsoever.
The problem is, all my life I tried to improve myself physically and mentally. I started to play the guitar at the age of 7, I participated in many different sport activities ranging from basketball, parkour, volleyball etc. I read a lot, I study English Language and Literature, although I'm not a great philosopher, I think I am above the average. I am 6'4'' tall, I know two foreign languages. Well, for many people, those feats would be enough to feel self-confident, cool and stuff, but I've never felt successful. I could never demonstrate what I can do with confidence, I always fell I'm the worst at what I do and if people say I'm good at something, I immediately think thay do it out of common courtesy. Sometimes I feel like I'm going too hard on myself, but I can't help it.
I can participate in competitive sports, games etc. because I have this never ending feeling in my guts that say "you are going to lose!" The fear of losing prevents me from trying at all. I want to play the game of go, which is like the grandfather of chess, but even in online matches, I feel anxious, I start sweating and can only hold on to my courage like 10 or 15 minutes and then I just let go.
I'm not good at social interactions. If I'm alone with someone, anyone, I can't find a subject to talk about, I sit totally silent and believe me I'm good at it, I can travel 50 miles on foot with a friend without uttering one word. I try to keep away from meetings and if I have to meet, I just sit on a corner like the shadowed unlocked characters in video games. I feel like I occupy no space in the world at all. If I argue with someone, even on a subject that I'm so sure about, I still tend to hold myself back and lose any argument, which later on ends up me chewing myself on the inside, re-enacting the scenario on my mind for hours and hours which even prevent me from sleeping.
Another thing is that I am at loss of any feelings. I can't remember when was the last time I laughed from the bottom of my heart. My laugh are like "hehe" and I can't seem to show sympathy for others. I feel like an actor faking everything and sure am a bad one at it. I can't step up for anything, I don't want to sleep at night and don't want to wake up in the morning, sleeping until 2 or 3 p.m. I have never received any professional help, several times I tried to, but walked away from the hospital with no certain reason.
I am sure you people are willing to help and will do all you can. I can better or worse keep up with my life. So to say, I can't attend classes because I can't wake up in time, but I can turn in my papers and pass finals, so I'm not totally disabled but I feel empty on the inside. I want to have fun, I want to talk like my words will have some kind of effect, at lease will be heard. I don't want to feel like a person who is just passing by. I want to be able to look at a tree and be charmed by its beauty, or look at a picture and admire it. I want to be happy and make people happy. I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I wanted to write so much more, but it will be too long for you to read and I don't want to steal too much of your time. Hopefully I will be able to spill out more if you will be willing to listen. I really want to end my line with a quotation from Dostoevsky's "Notes from Underground" which I think are the combination of words that describe the position that I am in as best as possible: "I am vain, as vain as though my skin were stripped away from my body, and the very air hurts."
Thanks for sparing your time for me ;)