Childhood to adulthood depression

Hello,
I am a 21 year old female & I am not quite sure if I am going through a belated stage of grief/depression or if I possibly suffer from alexithymia.
While growing up, I first met my "mother" at the age of seven. She was with an abusive man whom would drink daily and try to hit my brother & I often.
After around a year, she married a man named Jack.
He was my very best friend and he passed away May of 2013.
Around Eight years old, or so, she became quite abusive to herself and to me, more so the latter. She, for some off reason, felt compelled to tell me that it was my fault that she and her new husband had a fight, and would go on to tell me that she wanted to kill herself. At the age of nine, She tried to  in front of me, for the first time.
As I grew older, I witnessed her bouts of  tendencies more & more, and had become her main target for her anger relief. She found pleasure in calling me names, including fat, ugly, and stupid, adding that she hated me. I had breakdowns almost daily, while the only person who could help calm me was Jack. At the age of 14, the day before Christmas Eve, she & her husband had a fight, as I tried following him out the door(he was going to stay in a hotel for a few nights); before I could unlock the door, she grabbed me by the back of my shirt and pulled me to the floor, where she kicked me and slapped me.
My real father was in my life, although states away. If I told her that I wanted to move to him, she would tell me that if I was to move, she would never speak to me, nor would my younger brother, or Jack. It broke my heart and so I stayed.
The summer before my senior year of high school, I finally moved to my fathers house. She did not talk to me for nearly the first seven months, and would not allow Jack to talk to me, either.
In 2012, Jack was diagnosed with Stage lll Pancreatic Cancer. He endured vigorous chemo sessions and it soon regressed, not to return after three months.
I am still not completely sure why, maybe it was the thought of seeing her, or just that I didn't want to see him in the state that he was in, but I never visited during all of his battle. I called, but he was naturally a quiet and closed off soul who would only spend five minutes on the phone with you.
Soon after the cancer returned, I received phone calls from numerous people, including the police, that she was on drugs, which I eventually found to be very true months later.
When I received a called, informing me of Jack's current position(he was in a coma, towards the end of his fight), I became so upset that I cried until I vomited. That was the last that I truly cried of the situation.
I boarded a plane, and by the time I was able to reach the house, he had passed away a mere five minutes before I walked into the room. It seemed too surreal. I was so angry with myself for being too late and not coming sooner. It is my biggest regret, and I still think about it every single day.
While I stayed for a few days during the aftermath, I witnessed her buying drugs from a friend, and how her behavior so rapidly changed. She would mop the floors numerous times, very early in the morning(2-3 AM); repeat herself, loudly, in the middle of the store, while quickly becoming angry with each repetition; became quickly concerned with the will.
As a month passed, it became time to spread his ashes. I was able to make the trip for it, but she decided she wasn't ready yet. A week after I left, she became ready and spread them with her friends(drug affiliated friends), against Jack's wishes.
She has also now sold off most of his things(cars, taverns, etc...) and has not paid the estate taxes, and chooses to pay for trips to Hawaii for her friends and herself, bought two new cars(and gave one away to a "friend", while she still pays the note), and spend copious amounts of the money she gets monthly on clothes for herself while neglecting to keep food in the house & buy much needed clothes for my younger brother.
Every other month or so since the passing, I get calls and texts from her, saying that she does not want to talk to me, ever again; using my absenteeism during Jack's death as a way to make me upset/angry, among other things. She has been using peoples empathies for her situation to borrow money from them, all while acting like she is a godly woman and telling people that she has cancer, without an actual diagnosis from a doctor.
I am sickened because of her actions, as four days after Jack's death, she was hitting on a young man on a motorcycle, trying to go home with him; hitting on a group of twelve construction men in a restaurant, all while telling my 13 year old brother that she cheated on his father, Jack, while he was sick, thus making him cry, while calling him names and saying that he had "no right to cry".
I haven't spoken to her in quite a few months, and decided, ultimately, that I would not call home on the holidays(Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years), even though I would like to talk to my younger brother.
I cannot decide what and which of these factors contribute to my every day struggle. It might be my upbringing, or that this is the first year that I haven't called Jack for Christmas; or it might be a delayed reaction to his death, as I am still awaiting for the known steps of grieving. I try to cry, but for some reason, I cannot or will not. At the same time, though, I will tear up at a simple song in the car for no apparent reason.
My body and mind seems so lost of time.
I know that you're supposed to make the most of today, because there might not be a tomorrow, but I can't bring myself to care anymore. I have literally No friends that I speak to, as I do not work at the moment, and so I am plagued with this feeling of being constantly alone, even though I live with my fiancé. He is not much of one for understanding that feelings that I have, somewhat because of my lack of wording for my emotions and also because he doesn't deal with things like I do.
My whole being feels so empty, and I can't shake the feeling whatsoever. I can't go into a place without feeling as of I'm invisible but being laughed at, at the same time. I keep taking hit after hit, and each time, a piece of myself chips off, I feel. My body aches but without reason. My mind races but without thought. I feel more lost than I ever have before.
My childhood, even though I try not to let it effect me in today's time, will always linger, perhaps because it wasn't such a normal time, being as the one person who I always thought was supposed to protect me, was the one who was bullying and abusing me. I know that this is where my depression is rooted from. But as my adulthood comes to surface more with every minute/week/month/year, I can't help but know that something else is contributing to it & I don't know quite how to get over it.
I rarely speak of my life to the people who do know me, and I suppose that is why I am writing it down(for the most part).
How do I get over something that is so deeply engraved inside of my head, that it haunts me every day of my life?

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/1/2014 5:06:56 AM (GMT-7)

When you said you first met your "mother" at the age of 7, who were you living with before then? It sounds like a tragedy you were reunited with her!

I can understand the guilt you feel over not being there for Jack's death. If it's any consolation at all, if he was in a coma he wouldn't have known if you were there or not. I'm sure he would have understood why you didn't come home in those final months; I think one day you have to forgive yourself for that, but I can understand if it would be too difficult to do so now.

Your mother I don't have any words for - well, not printable ones >_>. But seriously, she is obviously a deeply, deeply disturbed woman. (Side note: Karen, if your mother was really about the same, I'm so sorry *hugs* :-/) Who knows why she ended up that way; some people just end up going down a very dark road in life, forever lost to drink, drugs, and abusive relationships. You've done excellently so far in escaping your mother's clutches. Hopefully, when your brother is a bit older, you can help him to leave the poisonous bosom too. Maybe you two can help each other out and be each other's friend.

I'm a bit concerned you feel you can't talk to your fiance or have his emotional support. You do not want to be trapped in a lonely marriage. Really try to talk to him; if you still feel like he doesn't empathise with you, I'd reassess being engaged to him. You deserve to have somebody who is fully there for you and on your side.

I do think you should find a therapist to talk to. There are a lot of duds out there, so keep trying until you find somebody you click with and feel you can work with.

I wouldn't worry yourself with labels like alexithymia: honestly, I would be a lot more surprised if you were emotionally 'normal' after growing up in the most emotionally abnormal environment you can think of. Whatever you're feeling right now (including confusion and emotional stunting) is probably an entirely normal response to prolonged abuse. On the plus side, you're only 21 and at the beginning of your adult life: you don't have to repeat your mother's unspeakable life, you can have a better one. And if ever you have kids, you can be a proper mother to them.

Hello ......

   You asked "what should you do"? I think Karen and A/V both hit it on the head. A therapist (psychologist) in my opinion is the best choice for guidance thru all that you've gone thru .... and also as a personal confidant to listen to you and help get more out of you. It sounds like you've never gone to one - and not surprising at your young age.

   I have been to three different ones in my lifetime ... each for a very different reason or reasons. Please consider finding one, as AV said, that you can feel confortable with.

Example - summary of those I've seen:

   My first experience was due to the passing of my Step-father (who physically raised me). And at the same time, my Mother was taking some of her grief out on me, my little one-person business was having a bad year and my ex-wife was beginning to use my kids against me.

   I went specifically to a female psychologist. She worked on a sliding scale and it was simply the best investment I have ever made in my life.

   During our time together, she discovered something deep inside of me from back in my childhood. Not realized by me, my Mother had for my whole life, been creating this feeling of guilt within me .... that was actually transferred from her own feelings. She had been married three times by the time i was 5-years old - and the second husband did beat me as a toddler. My mind had totally pushed those feelings out. I still don't remember them.

   But, my Mother, many years later, admitted it to me one night on the phone. My situation was not nearly as hurtful as what you've gone thru. But, a psychologist is likely the best type of professional to deal with past (hidden or not) hurtful things.

   My second experience was not really so good - but it was with a relationship counselor. She was no where near as good as my first therapist (counselor or psychologist). After 5 or 6 sessions, my partner and I both gave up on the therapist ... and our relationship ended for good two years later.

   My third or current experience is with a psychologist who works specifically with terminal patients - especially those with cancer. He is good. I don't see him very often - but when I get very down .... he knows how to bring me out of it.

   You sound so very aware of your actual problems and obviously are very intelligent. You deserve to have all of your forced obstacles in life cleared with professional help. And you really should talk some of this out with your fiance. He needs to be aware of as much as possible. And at some point, it would be good for him to accompany you to the psychologist .... but let the therapist decide when that point comes.

The best of wishes to you.

Rob & Gizmo

  

 

@Karen - I'm still so sorry about your mother. *more hugs* :-/

Anyway, you're welcome :p

NCOT,

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I wish you well TST26

Hugs, Karen...

Oops, I did mean to elaborate a bit earlier when I mentioned my fiancé.
We have bee together for three years & he is an amazing man. He works very very very long and hard work that consists of 10-12 hour shifts, six days a week. He is constantly sick from welding on galvanized metal, and so when he isn't at work, he is usually laying down, trying to get past metal fume fever.
He has had a very sheltered life, and isn't too aware of others emotions, especially crying. He will hug me but he isn't the smoothest talker so he will usually sit at the other end of the room(I dislike being touched when I am upset) and stares at me. It's not that it's a bad display of affection, more so, a lack of. He does care about me deeply, as he has always been there and stood up for me whenever he has seen any wrongdoing against me from another.
I did not mean to make him sound as if he's a bad guy, because he is quite a gentleman.
As for the "people pleasing" category, I am most definitely a part of it. I always have an intense urge to make people like me.
I was bullied my senior year after switching schools by one girl especially. She was just so mean and nasty, but to this day, I try to make her like me. It's such an odd thing, to me. I get offended whenever something petty happens, like, a person deletes me from Facebook; I will think about it for weeks and weeks, and it just sets at me. I was never sure why until your comment that made me realize this. I believe that is the most agitating thing, my fight for affection from others, to like me or befriend me.
Thank you all:)

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