Dear Kitt .......
Please .... have a chocolate bar today ..... at least!!!
I would never ever pretend to know what it feels like to lose a child. A good friend of mine did about 15-years ago .... and she blames herself needlessly for it. If I ever lost either of my daughters, I don't know if I could get thru it. You have - at least to a degree. Give yourself some credit between the periods of crying.
I'm hoping this little post will help you feel like you're not alone .... that God is not punishing you for anything. Perhaps, these sometimes seemingly cruel things that happen to us are testing our faith ... for a better time sometime in the future.
Starting in 1995, I lost my step-father (who raised me) - and every year after that I lost my Dad (1996), my Uncle/God-father (1997), my Aunt/Godmother (1998). It was a very small family - no siblings - and I became a part-time caregiver for Mom for the next 19-years after my step-father passed. Yesterday, Mom was buried ... after over 3-years of declining dementia.
I too have cancer - first diagnosed in 2003/2004. After several major treatments, it appeared to be gone. That lasted about 6-years before it returned and had metastisized in 2010. I have been on chemo for the past two years ... currently on my 4th type of chemo.
I can truly empathize with what you've gone thru - except the loss of a child. Any time you need to just complain about your latest cancer test - or anything else .... please let me know. I'm sure we can understand each other. We may be able to help each other.
I am, right now, trying to re-gain my relationship with my oldest daughter - and granddaughters. It has been very tense with my oldest daughter for the past 6-months or more. And of course, I don't want her out of my life.
Kitt ....... while currently I have all of my hair, I do have a bundle of chemo side effects. I don't know how long I will be on chemo - but if I am taken off of it, it probably means the end is near. I try ...... to think - that I still do have my sight. It would be terrifying to me to not be able to see .... so I use that to convince myself (amoung other things) that it could be much worse.
My depression, compared to many others, is what I'll call lightweight. My cancer though, has nearly destroyed my kidneys - with kidney failure three times in the last three years - in the hospital. My kidneys may be on a positive rebound now - will know after the next catscan in two weeks.
Does a chocolate cream pie sound good right now? Mine would probably be Lemon Cream .... but the point is ........ enjoy some things that you might not normally do. We deserve it.
Take care.
Rob & Gizmo