HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

I'm New (A Few Questions) and want to share my story

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 1/31/2014 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone, my username "the past is gone" has to do with the happy me that I once knew and where she went, what happened to her and will I ever find her again.

So many loved ones have died around me, both my parents are gone, I was an only child and adopted. I had a cancer scare when I was 26, which was in 1992. I started having repeated constant panic attacks and depression when I was 35 following right in the middle of a nasty custody divorce. I have been diagnosed with Depression, Panic Disorder and PTSD.

My life has not been the same as it was when I was younger, I miss those happy carefree days when everything felt good in the world, when things were normal. I can't shake the past and what I have been thru.

Does anyone feel the way that I do?

I see a psychiatrist once every three months, but I have no-one to talk to in my area because I am out in the middle of no-where and there are not any good services around my area.

Are there any good books around that I can read that could help with my situation, as I explained above. I spent most of my day just sitting on the couch caught up in my thoughts and can't get out of the rut and thinking of the past.

Thank you everyone.
Posted 1/31/2014 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
You really need to let the past go. You are still you, you just have different circumstances, more responsibilities. Love who you are. Even if it isn't the same.

Welcome to the forum. Do keep posting.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 1/31/2014 3:46 PM (GMT 0)
There are some good book references in our Resources thread at the top of this forum. There are four pages of information so be sure to look at all the information.

Posting here and perhaps doing some volunteering or joining a book club may be helpful for you.

Peace and courage
Trina
Posted 1/31/2014 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Past .....

   I see some similarities in us.

   I am an only child. While not adopted, I did have three different fathers by the time i was 5-years old.

   My parents and all my other relatives older than me have died .... the most recent was two weeks ago.

   I have been divorced for over 20-years after 23-years of marriage - with two daughters. One of the daughters is close to being estranged.

   I was diagnosed with cancer in 2003 ... thought it was cured for 6-years - then it came back and spread - for the past three years.

   I have been to three different psychologists (not psychiatrists) over the years for very different issues.

   Now ..... I think I have had some of the same feelings as you. There was a time, long ago, when I or we really enjoyed life. Both of us were working and both of us had similar enjoyment from sportscar racing and clubs.

   We took driving trips together - sometimes to sportcar racing events - either as fans or as competitors. We had couple friends who also enjoyed the sme kinds of things.

   I CANNOT relive those years! Nothing wrong with having good memories from those years .... but we can't re-create them again. We must move on.

   I can imagine loneliness may play a big part in your life. I know that feeling well. When I write here, it helps! I have started with two different support groups. My youngest daughter has realized my loneliness and helps a little.

   And i feel that a talk psychologist helps me much more than a psychiatrist could ever likely help me. We do need to change a little as we get older. We need to adapt a little better now to changing situations.

   Maybe ..... you need to be planning some new things for your new self! I hope you can put your good past .... into perspective with today!

Sincerely

Rob & Gizmo

 

Posted 2/1/2014 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for replying to my post. It is appreciated.

Rob & Gizmo, we do have a lot in common. I am so sorry that your cancer came back and I wish you the very best.

I have been stuck in a rut for several years now. Sitting on the couch ruminating all the time doesn't help though, I know. I have often thought of joining a yoga class and doing flylady to make my days better but I just never do it and I don't know why.

Right now I am feeling pretty scared because one of my dogs might have cancer and I am awaiting test results to see if she does. It just seems like one thing on top of another keeps happening to me and I can never focus on the good in life with all the bad that has happened.

Everyone keeps telling me that since my cancer never came back it was a blessing but I just can't see it that way. I see it as something that destroyed me as I worried for years it would come back and I was so young when it happened it took a lot away from me and who I used to be.

Its been almost two years now since I had to move very far away from my hometown and I miss HOME. I lived there for 45 years of my life and it was a very hard move, practically tore me apart, had to leave my daughter behind (she is in college) and I had to be hospitalized because of my depression and anxiety level for a bit.

I'll quit rambling for now…..
Posted 2/1/2014 1:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

Try not to have bad feelings about the past worrying. I lost two years with fibromyalgia being sick in bed. I know, it stinks. And we can't get those years back. But staying depressed or angry about it isn't going to change anything. Focus on the now. That will get you the farthest ahead.

I am happy the cancer didn't come back. Now you can make up for lost time and do something special for yourself...

I am so sorry to hear about your dog. I have lost a few to different cancers, old age, etc... I love dogs and have always had at least one. I took my girl up for a nail trim, Yes, Rob... I finally got her there. She cries when I am there, so I have to go out to my vehicle, drive away. Then she takes her outside to see I am gone, then Jasmine will let her trim the nails. But if I am there, she will not do it. Any how, I hope that your dog will be okay. They are a part of the family.

I have lived in the same area all of my life. I don't know how well I would do on moving away. Can you go and visit home for a little while? Maybe take a week or so? That would probably help you to feel better, or else move back. Depending how it would go.

I am rambling now, so I will end here.

I hope that both of you have a good night.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/1/2014 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hello again past .........

   One more thing we likley have in common is dogs! So sorry to hear about your fear of one of your dogs. I had a very good friend who's name was "Bear" .... and he did have a testicular tumor at the age of 12-years old a few years ago. It was removed. It was not cancerous. I did worry! And he did live to a very substantial age of 15-years and 2-months for a Norweigan Elkhound.

   I lost "Bear" almost two years ago ... still miss him! BUT ..... I did get a puppy about 2-1/2 years ago. It was the kind of dog i had wanted since I was a kid ... my old neighbor had one.

   His name is Gizmo. So my life for the past two+ years has been so much about Gizzy 'n me. He is my only daily companion. He's a Samoyed ... a small male. I almost lost him to a kidney infection this past Christmas - but I did not. He is my immediate family! I know - that would sound ridiculous to many people ...... but he is! He'll be three years old next month.

   So ..... I can relate to your fear of losing him or her!

   Now about your rut!~!!!! I am retired and did have so many things planned for an active retirement. Around two years ago, after being hospitalized and then starting my first chemo .... I seemed to have lost all of my desire to do all of these things.

   I still think of them as a temporary hold .... which I think is good! I see them happening in the near future. I'm just not quite ready yet! My Mother just passed away after over three years of a declining dementia. I'm still in a gray area regarding my cancer - that is not knowing what's next!

   Your living in a rural-type of an area may not make this very easy - but I would highly suggest you finding a psychologist to talk to on a very regular basis. I think it would be the most effective way to begin the thoughts of your future - whatever that may be!

   I have used support groups several times in my life ... the most recent are two current groups I'm involved with. They can be very helpful - they can help you to not feel as alone as you might feel. It may take a little push to start with one group - but if you do, try to give it some time to work.

  

   Let me finish be saying this ....... when Gizmo had his kidney infection a little over a month ago, he didn't eat for 5-days. He did drink his water though. I was up thru the night several days ... BUT when he finally started to eat again - and when the vet said "keep doing what you've been doing" ...... this HUGE negative became a HUGE positive.

   Can you turn around your former news about your feared cancer from a Negative to a Positive? Please try! It's a growth experience - and it is now a positive!

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

 

Posted 2/2/2014 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen (getting by),

You are right, my dogs are part of the family. I have three dogs and they mean just as much to me as a human does. I am so hoping for the best for my Zoey but my mind always seems to revert to the worst.

Moving away from my home really pushed me over the edge, but I didn't have a choice since my husband got a job here……..he knows how I feel about being here too. I hate it and am still not used to it. I don't think I will ever be the same. My home and heart is not where I am now. I only get to see my daughter a couple of times a year and that is really hard for me, we were very close. I might get to go back to visit this year sometime, I hope so, I need to revisit the place I once knew.

Thank you for your kindness in responding to me.


Hi again Rob and Gizmo,

Yes my doggies are a part of my sanity. I don't know what I would do without them. My Zoey has a nasal obstruction that is causing her discharge from her right nostril and eye. They did a nasal flush this past Tuesday and found nothing, but the X-ray showed some blockage. They sent the discharge off to be tested but I don't know what that is going to show. She will probably end up going to a specialized vet to see what the foreign body is. I am so upset about this. She is 11 years old now. She's my sweet baby and so loving.

I don't know if I can ever turn that cancer scare from a negative to a positive. Maybe it would help to talk to someone. I remember that the last therapist I had a long time ago didn't give me much feedback, expected me to do all the talking. Is that normal?? I also don't know if I can find anyone worth a crap around here (sorry for the harsh words), but that has been my experience in the past. I also don't know if my husbands insurance will cover it as he has very bad insurance. I am in a very rural area and my psychiatrist is almost 2 hours away.

Please take care of yourself Rob and Gizmo. I will be thinking of you often.
Posted 2/3/2014 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
I see a lot of negativity in your last paragraph. The cancer scare is over. You must think positive that it was just that, a scare. You are healthy now. Be thankful.

I agree, it would help to talk to somebody. A lot of therapists do want you to do most of the talking to work things out. They guide you, but you have to do the work. I have been seeing the same psychologist for years now. It is really easy to talk to her. I have had some I could not communicate with though. I felt very uncomfortable.

Try not to be negative about finding a new therapist. There is just a good chance that you will as apposed to not. Try to be positive. And check with your husband's insurance. Maybe it will cover somebody.

I know about the distance. My psychiatrist and psychologist are both an hour away. It is very tiring to drive an hour, talk an hour and then another hour back home. I am spent by the end of the day. But it is still really worth it.

I remember when I had a lot of dogs. I thought I was going to breed german shepherds. But I am glad I didn't, I don't think I would of been able to handle it. All the work, the expense. Then having to sell the puppies. But I did have two beautiful ones. A male and a female. Then two other dogs also. It was a lot of work but I loved them all so much. I have one now, and she is a spoiled pain in the you know what. But I love her. So I know how you worry. I hope your fur friend Zoey will be okay.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/4/2014 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
One more thing ... past:

   Besides ... best wishes with Zoey - there is a small coincidence. I belong to a Group that's dedicated to placing Samoyeds that have either been abandoned or thru the death of a previous owner. One of the main persons in the group has two Samoyeds that he adopted years ago. The female is named Zoey!!! A small world!!!

   I wanted to tell you about one of the cancer support groups I belong to also. It's for those with metastisized cancer .... or those who had cancer, thought it was cured years ago ... then found out they not only had it again - but it had spread to other areas. It's really a pretty devastating feeling to find out you do have it again - but now it's worse!

   There are about 6 or 7 of us in that group - just 2-men and the rest women. And in each case, none of us were cancer-free or seemingly cancer-free for more than 5 or 6-years .... befored it returned with a vengeance.

   You can probably guess why I'm telling you this true story. Please accept that God has given you a blessing with a threat of cancer a lopng time ago. Whatever you do - try to find a talk therapist to help you realize this .... then move on.

   The future ... and now .... can be a great time. You deserve to be a part of that.

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

P.S. - In a few months, my dear daughter will be moving 1000-miles away from here ........ sadly, another thing we sort of have in common.

 

Posted 2/5/2014 8:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there. I am new here too and I am really struggling with some of things things you are. I spend a lot of time thinking about the past and wishing for not only those times again, but who I was then, too.

I have a dog who means the world to me and right now he is suffering and we don't know what is wrong. We have decided on a course of treatment, but I am not seeing great results and I fear the worst.

Currently, I am having some major health issues that are pending tests at the lab. Some of the biggest concerns are lymphoma or leukemia. I am just terrified right now, not to mention that I feel awful because of the symptoms that are causing the concerns.

I am a military spouse and my husband works long hours and is away from home regularly and we live too far from our families for them to visit regularly, not to mention that they all have major issues of their own so I understand your I feelings of isolation.

I hope that you and I both can get on a better path forward soon and that this trying time will be behind us. I hate to see others in pain and wanted you to know that there are others out there thinking of you.

I've come to the conclusion that once these health issues are behind me (I am hoping and praying that they will be) I need to find something that makes me feel good about myself and I am going to make every effort to do that. I hope you can find something that gives you a little joy, too.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply